Trouble with long term partner - can't stay hard.

[rroepcke]

I've been with my partner for two years now and our sex life has pretty much fizzled out.

Before my partner I wasn't too experienced - I've never been one to go and chase sex and have no interest in having sex with multiple people. Recently, I've felt a huge amount of pressure on me to have sex with my partner. Things start out okay, I'll be hard, but as soon as he puts it in (I'm the bottom) I get flaccid - to be honest I still enjoy the sex, but for some reason don't really have the ability to cum until he's finished and out of me, except for the odd occasion when he's really into it and I get really into it too.

My partner says he feels as though I'm not into it when I'm not hard - but I am into it, just not hard. The pressure of needing to get hard and 'perform' has really screwed with sex and has made the whole thing unenjoyable and daunting for me - so I have been putting it off as much as possible because I don't want him to feel disappointed or unattractive.

I also contracted hpv (genital warts) from my partner, which made anal painful up until everything cleared up, now bottoming feels like more of a chore for me as I anticipate the pain and feel very tense.

I am also, to be honest a bit over being the 'bottom' and often fantasise about topping - but that for him is a no-go as he doesn't enjoy being the bottom.

I guess my biggest fear is that it will become too much for him and he will search for release elsewhere, which also adds pressure to the situation.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and if so what was done to fix it?

[Insertnamehere]

I have no experience in any of this what so ever, but one thing is clear to me. With all this tension, pressure, expectations and other problems you will obviously not be able to enjoy sex.

My advice, with the limited input I can give you, is to be completely honest about this with your partner. About the pressure you feel, about why you're having problems, the pain you anticipate you feel cause of the warts (a massive irresponsibility on both of you but I'd say more on him).

There are several things that need to be adressed here and you'd do well to put it in the open. If you don't give your reason for why these things are happening to you he will make up his own reasons in his mind and that will be worse. Lack of communication and lack of compromise spell death for any relationship.

There are other things to try sexually besides anal, so discuss the possibility.

[Bhp91126]

I have no experience in any of this what so ever, but one thing is clear to me. With all this tension, pressure, expectations and other problems you will obviously not be able to enjoy sex.

My advice, with the limited input I can give you, is to be completely honest about this with your partner. About the pressure you feel, about why you're having problems, the pain you anticipate you feel cause of the warts (a massive irresponsibility on both of you but I'd say more on him).

There are several things that need to be adressed here and you'd do well to put it in the open. If you don't give your reason for why these things are happening to you he will make up his own reasons in his mind and that will be worse. Lack of communication and lack of compromise spell death for any relationship.

There are other things to try sexually besides anal, so discuss the possibility.

for all your claims of being inexperienced your advice is pretty spot-on.

Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!

[meridannight]

for the guy topping it can be a negative feeling to have a partner not get hard and/or able to get off during the act. especially so if it happens on a regular basis. more so if they've had a partner before who had no problem getting off with them. they may be thinking that they're doing something wrong, or that they're not attractive enough, or they simply want you to feel the degree of sexual pleasure to achieve orgasm during the time they are fucking you. or all of that.

it doesn't matter that you say that you enjoy it and that things feel good for you like that (it may be true). it's one of those things. you aren't always convinced by words, even if you don't assume the other to be lying.

i do think different men have different dynamics between them, and there is no one-size-fits-all resolution to these things.

it is important that you express to your partner that he is physically attractive to you, that he is arousing, and that you desire to be with him physically and sexually (not just verbally, but by your actions). this translates out of the bedroom as well. it's in the little and big things you do when you're together.

and if you enjoy having sex with him, you should be the one to initiate it ever so often. (if he's the one doing most of the initiating and additionally you don't get off during sex with him, i can see where he has the problem). if you do initiate things regularly yourself, then he is placing too much emphasis on you being erect during anal sex. for some guys it just does not happen as a general rule. every guys is different. but you have to make yourself understood in a way that he believes it. which means it takes a deeper treatment of the subject than just question-answer type of exchange.

you have to communicate with him honestly in and out of the bedroom (and he with you).

[rroepcke]

Thanks for your feedback guys.

I have communicated with him that it's not something I can control and the pressure is turning it into something daunting. I try to be as loving and as thoughtful as I can be outside of the bedroom, but he says sex is just so important to him and the frequency is making him frustrated. He keeps saying 'I'm a horny guy, I can't help how horny I am' But I don't know how to fix it.

I've considered opening up the relationship - but I am afraid of that. I was completely clean before I met my current partner, in fact I had not had sexual contact with another person for more than four years. Finding out I had hpv when I have literally had two partners in my life has made me frightened of opening the relationship because I don't want to indirectly contract anything else. This time it's HPV, if our relationship is open then isn't there a possibility it could be something worse next time?

How do you guys in open relationships maintain your piece of mind with this?

[TwisttheLeaf]

I try to be as loving and as thoughtful as I can be outside of the bedroom, but he says sex is just so important to him and the frequency is making him frustrated. He keeps saying 'I'm a horny guy, I can't help how horny I am' But I don't know how to fix it.

As others have said, there's other ways to satisfy your partner than offering up your ass every time, yeah? I would say start mixing things up.

I've considered opening up the relationship - but I am afraid of that. I was completely clean before I met my current partner, in fact I had not had sexual contact with another person for more than four years. Finding out I had hpv when I have literally had two partners in my life has made me frightened of opening the relationship because I don't want to indirectly contract anything else. This time it's HPV, if our relationship is open then isn't there a possibility it could be something worse next time?

I don't blame you. Clearly he hasn't been safe in the past and from what you've expressed his attitude to be, I'm not sure I'd trust him to be if the relationship was opened.

Just as important as the STD risks, though, is something else you need to consider. Emotionally and psychologically are YOU okay with an open relationship? When you think about it, does it make your stomach or heart hurt? Does it make you feel bad inside?

If so? It's not for you and opening the relationship will only bring on a new set of problems to join the spectrum of those you are already dealing with.

How do you guys in open relationships maintain your piece of mind with this?

I can't answer this one for you because I'm not in an open relationship. The fact is? If I was, I wouldn't be giving as much of myself to my partner as I do with him in a closed, monogamous relationship. [MENTION=20938]Gideon[/MENTION] likes that I give 100% without worrying about other people's agendas or getting hurt by them. It's just not something I could feel so secure in doing if he was fucking others.

[LJay]

All of the above. There is some excellent advice here, OP.

Just one small thing. Are both you and your partner aware that it is very common for the bottom to lose an erection during anal sex? It is some sort of physiological thing that has nothing to do with signalling lack of engagement. Maybe the two of you would benefit from a few talks with a sex therapist. It might help sort out some of the stresses you are feeling.

Still, read through the postings above one more time. And good luck with your relationship. The fact that you are trying to work things out is a very good sign.

[Jake]

Finding out I had hpv when I have literally had two partners in my life has made me frightened of opening the relationship because I don't want to indirectly contract anything else. This time it's HPV, if our relationship is open then isn't there a possibility it could be something worse next time?

Unless you truly want to try the open relationship, if you have any doubts don't it will just deteriorate your relationship. 2 years is not a whole lot into a relationship, which make your relationship a little fragile and adding a third wheel could just be the breaking point.

My only questions related to your concern in bold... beside the part that it's quite normal to have difficulties to have an erection if anal penetration is painful, it's not like a wanted pain such as BDSM and yes, it will indeed affect your ability to fully enjoy anal sex. But, is there more than just that? Not only the pain, but finding out that you contracted HPV from him, doesn't that contribute a little to lower a bit your libido? Find the actual roots of the problem and have a good conversation with him and a therapist if necessary. Personally, I'd feel a bit down from it... but that's me, I don't know for you.

[meridannight]

How do you guys in open relationships maintain your piece of mind with this?

i am currently in an open relationship only because it's how it works between my partner and me. like i said, different guys, different dynamics. it does not mean i am specifically for open relationships, or that that's what i want with every guy. in fact, it is not. i am more on the monogamous side overall.

being in an open relationship does not mean it is a given the other guy is getting something on the side. i have only been with one other man besides my partner during this whole time we've been together (3 years, give or take), and it was a one-night-stand.

as for him, i know he has been with a few guys. i know him though, and i trust him to be safe, and own up to it when he has not been safe and thinks there can be a problem. if you can't trust your partner like that, then you're gonna have a problem. this one is an absolute must if ever there was such a thing. people make mistakes and fuck up, that much is understandable, and you shouldn't assume to be 100% safe even in a monogamous relationship. in a relationship you have to be able to come clean when your actions negatively affect your partner.

I can't answer this one for you because I'm not in an open relationship. The fact is? If I was, I wouldn't be giving as much of myself to my partner as I do with him in a closed, monogamous relationship. @Gideon likes that I give 100% without worrying about other people's agendas or getting hurt by them. It's just not something I could feel so secure in doing if he was fucking others.

you are right about giving. guys in monogamous relationships have to give to their partner rather than go out and find other ways to go about it. it is overall more conducive to the relationship than the one where you don't have to make that effort.

of course, if the two guys just don't fit together then neither monogamy or an open setting is gonna solve that problem. and some men can sustain open relationships and stay wholly oriented to their partner. but on general terms, i agree that a monogamous relationship is a better climate for an intimate and involved commitment than an open one.

[Darius]

I don't think an open relationship is the answer.

From what I have read, your not staying hard while bottoming is not that uncommon and also something you shouldn't worry about since you are enjoying it. Is your cock getting any attention either from your partner or yourself during the sex? If your dick is being jacked during it, do you stay hard?

As far as I am concerned, your partner refusing to bottom for you, while expecting you to bottom all the time for him, is just plain selfish. Sex between two people who love each other shouldn't work that way. It's so one-side, it's like he's using your ass to masturbate with. LOL