Lost Best Friend by Blowing Him

[BeCool]

I am a middle-age guy who is attracted to younger guys (college age). I have met a few over the years, mostly from Craigs-List. I am not out and not very familiar with any gay scene. Not promiscuous, very selective, and frequently celibate for long periods.

I have never needed to ask for outside help with my relationships before. I just found your forum, and here is my first post to any gay internet forum. Not really asking for advice so much, as for insights as to what might have happened.

A few months ago, I met a young man half my age, sort of by accident. We quickly became good friends. Honestly, it felt like I had know him all my life. He said he felt the same way. Platonic friends, but I have to admit I had other plans. Anyhow, it got to where he would come to my place everyday. I have lots of hobbies, and loved learning about all of them. We worked-out together, and he was not shy about us feeling each other's muscles, or hugging each other. It was pretty obvious that he liked me as much as I liked him. I don't mean sexually, but as a brother, friend, uncle. He obviously enjoyed sitting close together and letting me rub his back, hair, and leg. He did say a few times that this was all OK, but told me not to grab his package. Fine - I was in it for the long haul.

I love him on so many levels. Best friend I've had in years. he helped me with my lawn and wash car etc. He kept telling me how cool I was.

Anyhow - we went camping in my RV at a big event (like a festival) a few weeks ago. We both had some drinks, and right before bed he started sending clear signals. I gave him a backrub that turned into an ass-rub, that turned into a blow job. I asked if he was OK with it, and he said yes. (in case it's important, he had shaved pubes, a sort of small dick, and could not come even though I tried for a while). SO - we wake up next day.

Right away, things are cold and awkward. No big surprise, thought it would wear off with the hangover. Told me that he was going on vacation for 2 weeks (suspect now that was a complete fabrication). Texted him after a week and he said he would be too busy to visit for a while. Texted him a week later and he said "please don't text me anymore".

I am devastated. I would gladly never have sex with him if we could just be friends again.
I also worry that I did significant damage to his mind (psyche, ego, whatever). I'm fairly sure that he never did anything with a guy before. Even though he talked about girls, I suspect he actually could have been a complete virgin.

So - I don't really need advice. The damage is done. I just want insight as to what his thought process was/is. I already feel bad about loosing my friend, and now I feel guilty of possibly screwing him up bad.

[kindy64]

A few months ago, I met a young man half my age, sort of by accident. We quickly became good friends. Honestly, it felt like I had know him all my life. He said he felt the same way. Platonic friends, but I have to admit I had other plans. Anyhow, it got to where he would come to my place everyday. I have lots of hobbies, and loved learning about all of them. We worked-out together, and he was not shy about us feeling each other's muscles, or hugging each other. It was pretty obvious that he liked me as much as I liked him. I don't mean sexually, but as a brother, friend, uncle. He obviously enjoyed sitting close together and letting me rub his back, hair, and leg. He did say a few times that this was all OK, but told me not to grab his package. Fine - I was in it for the long haul.

I love him on so many levels. Best friend I've had in years. he helped me with my lawn and wash car etc. He kept telling me how cool I was.

Anyhow - we went camping in my RV at a big event (like a festival) a few weeks ago. We both had some drinks, and right before bed he started sending clear signals. I gave him a backrub that turned into an ass-rub, that turned into a blow job. I asked if he was OK with it, and he said yes. (in case it's important, he had shaved pubes, a sort of small dick, and could not come even though I tried for a while). SO - we wake up next day.

Right away, things are cold and awkward. No big surprise, thought it would wear off with the hangover. Told me that he was going on vacation for 2 weeks (suspect now that was a complete fabrication). Texted him after a week and he said he would be too busy to visit for a while. Texted him a week later and he said "please don't text me anymore".

I am devastated. I would gladly never have sex with him if we could just be friends again.
I also worry that I did significant damage to his mind (psyche, ego, whatever). I'm fairly sure that he never did anything with a guy before. Even though he talked about girls, I suspect he actually could have been a complete virgin.

So - I don't really need advice. The damage is done. I just want insight as to what his thought process was/is. I already feel bad about loosing my friend, and now I feel guilty of possibly screwing him up bad.

His thought process...

1 - He thought you were his brother, friend, uncle
2 - He did say a few times that this was all OK, but told me not to grab his package.
3 - You guys got drunk and you gave him a blow job
4 - How is he supposed to trust you now

You put your own needs and desires before his. Bad mistake on your part.

[Genersis]

This whole next-day-regret thing seems to happen a lot when alcohol is involved.

All you can do is make your feelings clear to him, and then it's up to him if he wants anything to do with you.

I wouldn't hold your breath.

[Darius]

You know you did wrong, so there is no point linger on that here. You ask about his mindset, so we can only guess and there might be many answers. For one thing, he is young enough to be your son, so for him perhaps he feels you broke trust with him, he feels betrayed. With alcohol or drugs, people often do things they regret, too. Regret is not something you necessarily get over in a day or when the hangover passed, as is obviously his case. Another guess is that he feels deeply hurt, not only by you, but because he did something that is not in his nature to do, meaning sex with a guy.
It could be shame, too. Again, it is really too many possibilities to know for sure.
I know you don't want advice, but just in case you haven't apologized, then you should send one last text and include the offer of restoring the friendship sometime in the future along with a promise to never molest him again.
Like Genesis said, I wouldn't hold your breath, however.

[TwisttheLeaf]

If it were me, I would feel used, betrayed, taken advantage of, preyed upon, and molested.

There is a VERY good chance that he saw you in the context of a big brother or father figure.

Yes, there IS a possibility in that if that was the case, you may have caused psychological damage that he will need to work through at some point.... but not necessarily work through -with you- (in other words, don't use it as an excuse to insert yourself back into his life if he's decided to remove you from it).

And, I just need to put this out there.... During the partaking of alcohol or drugs is the WRONG time to try putting the moves on -anyone- who has expressed -any- type of discomfort in going physical. You should know better.

[tnfunmagnet]

I am a middle-age guy who is attracted to younger guys (college age). I have met a few over the years, mostly from Craigs-List. I am not out and not very familiar with any gay scene. Not promiscuous, very selective, and frequently celibate for long periods.

I have never needed to ask for outside help with my relationships before. I just found your forum, and here is my first post to any gay internet forum. Not really asking for advice so much, as for insights as to what might have happened.

A few months ago, I met a young man half my age, sort of by accident. We quickly became good friends. Honestly, it felt like I had know him all my life. He said he felt the same way. Platonic friends, but I have to admit I had other plans. Anyhow, it got to where he would come to my place everyday. I have lots of hobbies, and loved learning about all of them. We worked-out together, and he was not shy about us feeling each other's muscles, or hugging each other. It was pretty obvious that he liked me as much as I liked him. I don't mean sexually, but as a brother, friend, uncle. He obviously enjoyed sitting close together and letting me rub his back, hair, and leg. He did say a few times that this was all OK, but told me not to grab his package. Fine - I was in it for the long haul.

I love him on so many levels. Best friend I've had in years. he helped me with my lawn and wash car etc. He kept telling me how cool I was.

Anyhow - we went camping in my RV at a big event (like a festival) a few weeks ago. We both had some drinks, and right before bed he started sending clear signals. I gave him a backrub that turned into an ass-rub, that turned into a blow job. I asked if he was OK with it, and he said yes. (in case it's important, he had shaved pubes, a sort of small dick, and could not come even though I tried for a while). SO - we wake up next day.

Right away, things are cold and awkward. No big surprise, thought it would wear off with the hangover. Told me that he was going on vacation for 2 weeks (suspect now that was a complete fabrication). Texted him after a week and he said he would be too busy to visit for a while. Texted him a week later and he said "please don't text me anymore".

I am devastated. I would gladly never have sex with him if we could just be friends again.
I also worry that I did significant damage to his mind (psyche, ego, whatever). I'm fairly sure that he never did anything with a guy before. Even though he talked about girls, I suspect he actually could have been a complete virgin.

So - I don't really need advice. The damage is done. I just want insight as to what his thought process was/is. I already feel bad about loosing my friend, and now I feel guilty of possibly screwing him up bad.

To me, this is a pretty obvious sign that he wasn't into it.

[VirgoMasquerade]

Sounds like this young guy isn't at a point where he knows what he wants, But that shouldn't mean guys show try to "turn" him to having sex with him like you did. Should have waited dude! He was a fresh hot thing that got ya going yet you couldn't keep them nasty thoughts away? Next guy like that you really need to keep your mind clear and calm! Take things slower and try to to force yourself into doing low key homoerotic things to them till you are 100% sure this is what they truly want

[NativeSon]

He did say a few times that this was all OK, but told me not to grab his package. Fine - I was in it for the long haul.

Why would that even come up? Some people are inherently touchy feely, but hair pat, shoulder rub, cock grab--doesn't really sound like the most natural progression. I've never heard of such a stipulation between "friends," so I'm at a loss.

If any of this is true, sounds like you took a gamble, crossed a line, and now he's upset. What's to analyze?

[Cridders88]

You took advantage of a platonic friendship which was very clearly defined as platonic, with boundaries set. People don't like being taken advantage of. Hence, is it really surprising you have lost his friendship?

[BeCool]

Thanks for all your comments. Pretty much on target - didn't really expect to hear much that I didn't already know. Just to clarify a couple things though: Someone mentioned alcohol or drugs - no drugs involved, just beer. The word "molest" was used - I understand the context, but want to point out that he is over 21, in case anyone is wondering. Somebody mentioned he couldn't get hard - that's not true, not at all.

I'm not convinced that he is having a trust or betrayal issue. I think it may be more like an "Oh my God - what did I do?" thing.

I've heard, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.”

So, that's where I'm at.

-One more thing: He gave me two art pieces that he made in art class (college) while he knew me. They are both really cool. Unfortunately, they are in my living room on prominent display. I see them daily and it is a reminder. I'd feel stupid taking down cool art from my gallery just because I'm mad at him, but leaving them will make it harder to let go.