Gay friends keep hitting on me. No me gusta.

[Gideon]

I say friends who come with conditions aren't friends at all. And if they -are- a friend, then there's no reason you can't tell them that you're not comfortable with the advances, teasing or not. If they are truly a friend worth having, then they'll be okay with that. If they're not? Well then they aren't really worth your time, man.

[InbetweenDreams]

You guys think I'm talking bullshit but I'm not. Don't say I told you so.

That's kind of how it is out here. Although it is rural, like it is 25 miles to the nearest Wal-Mart, there is the gay clique. Mostly which consists of all the guy who screwed each other. You know they're part of the clique when you start hearing rumors about other guys. I'm not really into that drama myself, other people feed off of it.

[Sylph]

You guys think I'm talking bullshit but I'm not. Don't say I told you so.

I don't think what you said was entirely bullshit, a similar scenario happens here i guess you can say to an extent;

However I just find it all so boring

The Cliques and "tryouts" and all the needless effort and who gets asked out and who doesn't...


I suppose I get easily bored and Gay dilemmas like these typically bore me, because it's usually extraneous and more often than not superfluous


Now if only this had more to do with the dichotomous nature of male homosexuality and the proclivity for the divergence between amiable friendships and carnal lust, then that would be fairly interesting for light conversation

[kindy64]

That's kind of how it is out here. Although it is rural, like it is 25 miles to the nearest Wal-Mart, there is the gay clique. Mostly which consists of all the guy who screwed each other. You know they're part of the clique when you start hearing rumors about other guys. I'm not really into that drama myself, other people feed off of it.

I think there are cliques like that here in Indiana, mostly fueled through hookup apps, colleges, and a limited pool of guys. There are also a lot of guys who aren't connected to those cliques at all.

Best advice is to be yourself.

[drobs]

Living in the Chicago suburbs I had 2 maybe 3 decent gay friends in my 20's. One (Greg) I met on gay.com - we met for drinks and it turned out he wasn't in to me. We eventually became friends that would meet once a week for drinks. Go to gay events (Pride, Gay Rodeo, Market Days) together and have a good time w/ no sex ever.

It took a bit for me to realize that we were never going to hook up. At 1st I felt a little hurt by that to the point of trying to set him up with other guys that I found unattractive. Turns out his type was older hairy muscle men. Where my type was young skinny guys like me.

We'd even cruise the bars (Boys Town Chicago) together and occasionally find ourselves in the local bathhouse - Steamworks, sleeping off too much alcohol. I've seen him in just a towel but we never hooked up. Odd huh?

Now that I'm older 41, and my partner (my best friend & lover) and I have moved out to rural S. Missouri - it turns out we have a big group of older gay friends. We have more gay friends living in the sticks than we ever had in the Chicago area.

What's my point with all this? You have see it from their perspective. They think they have a chance with you. Expect them to possibly have their feelings hurt when they find out that they don't / won't hook up.

You really need to be up front with them and tell them you are not looking to hook up. Understand that that is not going to prevent them from having a crush on you.

Lastly I agree with everyone else here - chatting on the web is not the same as hanging out with someone in person.

[Starman]

Wow. Thanks for that reply. I really appreciate your insight into how the other guy feels.

I've had a friendship before where we would both get over a hangover at a bathhouse too. Surprisingly there wasn't much tension between us at the time and afterwards. Those kind of relationships were awesome! I could be myself instead of worrying if 'being myself' was crossing the line or leading the other person on. Those kind of relationships really are priceless.

Going back to your point though: you're absolutely right and I don't think there's any room for an argument there. If your friend is hurt to the point where they don't want to talk to you or feel uncomfortable hanging out with you, that's their choice. In a sense, they're acknowledging your choice to make decisions (hopefully) and exercising their right to make decisions as well. I understand that this definitely isn't easy for either party.

That being said, there's still the problem of calling your friends out when they step over your boundaries. But mostly because everyone's boundaries will be different and relationships are almost always complicated.

Also I like the bit at the end where you suggest being straightforward. That you're not looking to hookup. But at the same time, acknowledge that this isn't going to stop the other party from having a crush on you. Kind of a paradox mate. But I understand completely. I'm sure, like everything else, this is going to take some time and experience getting used to.

Thanks for your advice! I feel like I'm ready to have the difficult conversation with the last of my friends. It's been overdue but now I have a good idea of what I have to say. Thanks again for giving some insight into my problems, hopefully you can help others as well? Either way, you're awesome! Thanks (x3) !

[meridannight]

i've been looking at this thread for a while, and i'm convinced that the problem lies more with you [MENTION=23468]Starman[/MENTION], and not so much with those ''friends'' you speak of.

it is your responsibility to set boundaries with people. thus, it is your responsibility to let a friend (or anybody else, a non-friend, too) who might be interested in slightly more than friendship know where you stand on that subject.

people also are not fucking mind readers. and circumstances change, emotions flare up, people live and do what they feel they have to do at any given moment in time. just because a guy is your friend, does not mean that at some future point he might not want to try something more physical with you. it might happen, especially when you're both homosexual. you have to be able to communicate what it is you want and what it is you can't do. and problems such as this one don't even end up jeopardizing the friendship if they are handled correctly.

it is in the capacity of an adult man to negotiate the emotional and physical realities of his relationships with other men. this falls under that.

this is your main problem:

but I'll usually not reciprocate and hope that my friend gets the message that I'm not interested.

you have to actively participate in your relationships and speak up when people cross the lines. and you are not doing that. hoping things will fall into place on their own is about the most useless thing you can do. keep that up, but don't complain when things don't go the way you want them to then.

[kindy64]

Yep, you have to communicate boundaries and expectations.

Not reciprocating could just as easily be seen as playing hard to get.

I think a lot of young guys have no clue that being gay only means ONE THING, we like guys. Doesn't mean we are automatically promiscuous, flamboyant, or any of the other stereotypes commonly thrown about. I would hazard a guess that the football player who is gay has a harder time with his sexuality then the bent-wrist, lisping feminine boy in drama club (to use a stereotype.)

Being "gay" just means you are into other guys. There isn't one standard of conduct for gays, just like there isn't one standard of conduct for straight boys. You have guys who just want to hook up with as many guys as possible, and then you have guys who want a relationship and go out steady with just one guy, or even (SHOCKER) wait to have sex until they get to know someone.

I was just talking about this with my 16yo son. Asked him how school was this year, today is his last day for his sophomore year. He said his biggest issue was these "gay" guys in his 6th period. He said one of them was always talking about licking balls and sucking cock within his little group of pals. I told my son the same thing, the kid could just be joking around with his pals, not serious at all. Could even be that he's not gay at all, maybe he saw it in a movie or porn or something and is just repeating what he heard to be funny. Told him that he can just tell them to keep it quiet, as it was disrupting class. And if they give him any trouble to just play the "well my dad and his boyfriend don't talk like that, so just STFU" card.

Of course, we do talk like that, between the two of us, and mostly privately because we're adults and into each other.

[questioning9]

Okay, so hopefully this isn't a problem that isn't that unique here

I prefer having strictly gay friends. I feel I can relate more to gay men more so than straight guys or gals. But believe me, I've burned a LOT of bridges along the way keeping my friends strictly gay. The biggest problem is when someone essential to the group I'm hanging out with starts becoming way too forward and begins blatantly hitting on me. I mean a close friend grabbing the inside of my leg, squeezing my arms or just making inappropriate sexual jokes that don't really have a punchline. All of these things make me extremely uncomfortable, but I'll usually not reciprocate and hope that my friend gets the message that I'm not interested. For some reason this NEVER happens, which usually ends up in one of us breaking ties with the other. Either because I feel I'm not really a friend in that person's eyes anymore or because they feel insulted and come up with some excuse not to talk to me anymore.

You are a friend in their eyes. You just don't like what they did to you, and you made it clear taht you didn't want that. But they refused to listen to you so the sensible thing for you to do is to end the relationships. Good choices. I applaud you

[questioning9]

Living in the Chicago suburbs I had 2 maybe 3 decent gay friends in my 20's. One (Greg) I met on gay.com - we met for drinks and it turned out he wasn't in to me. We eventually became friends that would meet once a week for drinks. Go to gay events (Pride, Gay Rodeo, Market Days) together and have a good time w/ no sex ever.

It took a bit for me to realize that we were never going to hook up. At 1st I felt a little hurt by that to the point of trying to set him up with other guys that I found unattractive. Turns out his type was older hairy muscle men. Where my type was young skinny guys like me.

We'd even cruise the bars (Boys Town Chicago) together and occasionally find ourselves in the local bathhouse - Steamworks, sleeping off too much alcohol. I've seen him in just a towel but we never hooked up. Odd huh?

Now that I'm older 41, and my partner (my best friend & lover) and I have moved out to rural S. Missouri - it turns out we have a big group of older gay friends. We have more gay friends living in the sticks than we ever had in the Chicago area.

What's my point with all this? You have see it from their perspective. They think they have a chance with you. Expect them to possibly have their feelings hurt when they find out that they don't / won't hook up.

You really need to be up front with them and tell them you are not looking to hook up. Understand that that is not going to prevent them from having a crush on you.

Lastly I agree with everyone else here - chatting on the web is not the same as hanging out with someone in person.

Yeah, especially when the individuals use lol and you're thinking is he laughing at or with me? Just saying. If you talk to som eone in public, there is some sort of emotional connection and stuff. I don't know. those are just stuff that I am repeating from other sources. I personally feel that talking in public is very different.