Am I in Love?

[ClosetCase]

I am not out (reason for the name). I do have a gay friend in a nearby city that I hang out with and visit often for the last year or a little longer. Once he did confess he had feelings for me. It didn't really change our relationship a lot and we are still close friends. I knew then I was not at the place he was because I was still new to the hanging out with a openly gay man. I never had done that before (very conservative family). Now when I am not with him I miss him so much and lately I have even had dreams about him. One he asked me to marry him lol! Of course I said yes! My concern is... Is this love or is this my first gay "friend" and I am just lying to myself? I don't want to end up getting myself hurt and also haven't ever been "in love" to know what I should feel or look for. Any advice would be great!

Thank you!

[meridannight]

loving another man is worth all the damn hurt and pain in the world. i stand by this as firmly as ever.

you are gonna get hurt, no matter what you do in life. trying to purposefully avoid it can lead to a bleak and desolate life that will end up hurting you much much more than anything a man can do to you. hurt is part of the bargain with human relationships, because relationships entail putting yourself out there where you are not comfortable and there where you are most vulnerable.

it does not mean you go out seeking pain. but you go out to be with men, and you do what you have to do to make the relationships with those people you care about work. that means, sometimes you get hurt. but in the end it is all worth it.

[Insertnamehere]

Ok, I don't think people here are going to be able to determine what yor feelings are. Only you can know that.

Love is a very tricky feeling, but it's long lasting and intense. I would dare to say that what you have is an infatuation or a crush.

Now, the question is why is this relevant for you, I mean, to define a certain feeling? Perhaps you shouldn't think too much about the name of the feeling and just ....feel it!

If you feel right, happy when you hang out with him, then do it! If something romantic develops, live it! Experience it!

[MikeW]

I am not out (reason for the name). I do have a gay friend in a nearby city that I hang out with and visit often for the last year or a little longer. Once he did confess he had feelings for me. It didn't really change our relationship a lot and we are still close friends. I knew then I was not at the place he was because I was still new to the hanging out with a openly gay man. I never had done that before (very conservative family). Now when I am not with him I miss him so much and lately I have even had dreams about him. One he asked me to marry him lol! Of course I said yes! My concern is... Is this love or is this my first gay "friend" and I am just lying to myself? I don't want to end up getting myself hurt and also haven't ever been "in love" to know what I should feel or look for. Any advice would be great!

Thank you!

I point out over and over again on this forum that most gay guys do not DATE as teenagers. Consequently, they don't get to discover, go through, and come to understand these many different (often confusing or even conflicting) feelings that young people feel for one another. As [MENTION=21405]meridannight[/MENTION] said, getting hurt is unavoidable. EVERYONE who has feelings and allows themselves to develop them for other people DO get hurt. BUT the good news is, there's nothing wrong with this. It's apart of being alive. It's apart of what it means to be a living, breathing, loving human being.

As [MENTION=23097]Insertnamehere[/MENTION] has suggested, perhaps the best thing for you is to not OVER-think this. You feel what you feel... and it may very well be that your feelings feel confusing. Ok. But, can you let yourself ENJOY any of that? I don't know if you've ever used recreational drugs but sometimes they make us feel all weird... but that 'weirdness' can be kind of fun... even exciting. At least it isn't BORING, right?

SO... you're having these thoughts and feelings and dreams about your friend. What does it mean? Well.. no way we can know. Only you can figure that out... hopefully along with your friend.

If I were in your shoes... I'd tell my friend EXACTLY what is going on with me... all of it... the excitement, the uncertainty, confusion, the whole giddy, silly, mess of it. And see what he has to say.

LOVE??? Love... ahhhh love... Heaven and Hell combined, I tell you. A form of passionate madness that, if you're lucky, takes you somewhere you've never been before... and could never have imagined ever finding.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Love is a chemical imbalance that does not last long - 3-5 years tops for the happy joy-joy type of love, then it declines into other forms of familiarity, sort of like how y9ou love mom, but are not in-love with mom.

I reckon that a few will agree that a mixed relationship, one where one side is closeted, or positive or whatever, and the other is open, or negative or whatever tends not to work well for long.

That chemical imbalance makes the closeted one 'cute and adorable' for about a minute or so, then it becomes annoying and the open one will want... no NEED the affection to be open, honest and proudly displayed.

This means eventually you will most likely have to come out and be honest, or lose him.

When I met my first I was deep in the closet, even hid it well from myself. I had to make clear choices before we went to bed. I chose the option that in for a penny means totally in for a pound. So I came out, and lost a few things/people in the process. BUT, I never looked back nor did I regret my choice.

SHOULD you try to maintain this relationship, I strongly suggest you consider coming out and be that which you are. I don't care how conservative your family is. IF they cannot accept the real you and will disown you or something, fine, perfect... There are many in the world who don't care and will be your family.

Besides, how can you honestly relate to your family if you are always lying and hiding a fundamental aspect of yourself? Sooner (most likely than later) you will tip your own hand and reveal what you are and then shit will hit the fan, not because you are gay, but that you lied about it for so long.

I know plenty of gay folk who had conservative parents that turned around and loved their kid. I also know several liberal parents who were open about homosexuality being a good thing until their own kid turned gay, then the truth of just how dishonest those parents were about LGBT matters.

There is no telling exactly how one's parents will go on the matter. Until the truth is told.

Yes there is a risk, however living in shame/fear or whatever and living a lie never ends well for that person.

It is your choice, but I ask you to look at Craigslist or other Pick-up sites and see how many middle aged, married with kids closeted gays are out there who, like you declined to come out and now seek sex on the side - so called "discrete" relationships/fuck-buddies or what ever.

Do you want that to be you 20+ years from now???

Rhetorical, I don't need to know, but it is a question you need to ask yourself.

[ClosetCase]

loving another man is worth all the damn hurt and pain in the world. i stand by this as firmly as ever.



you are gonna get hurt, no matter what you do in life. trying to purposefully avoid it can lead to a bleak and desolate life that will end up hurting you much much more than anything a man can do to you. hurt is part of the bargain with human relationships, because relationships entail putting yourself out there where you are not comfortable and there where you are most vulnerable.



it does not mean you go out seeking pain. but you go out to be with men, and you do what you have to do to make the relationships with those people you care about work. that means, sometimes you get hurt. but in the end it is all worth it.

Thank you for the advice! The whole time I was reading your reply I kept thinking of this Fault In Our Stars quote that says "You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.” So, with that being said I agree. What's holding me back and what I need to work through with myself is if it doesn't work out, then is it worth possibly loosing the best friend I have ever had too?

[ClosetCase]

Ok, I don't think people here are going to be able to determine what yor feelings are. Only you can know that.

Love is a very tricky feeling, but it's long lasting and intense. I would dare to say that what you have is an infatuation or a crush.

Now, the question is why is this relevant for you, I mean, to define a certain feeling? Perhaps you shouldn't think too much about the name of the feeling and just ....feel it!

If you feel right, happy when you hang out with him, then do it! If something romantic develops, live it! Experience it!

Thank you! I know I am a labeler so I will give the just feeling it a try!

[ClosetCase]

I point out over and over again on this forum that most gay guys do not DATE as teenagers. Consequently, they don't get to discover, go through, and come to understand these many different (often confusing or even conflicting) feelings that young people feel for one another. As [MENTION=21405]meridannight[/MENTION] said, getting hurt is unavoidable. EVERYONE who has feelings and allows themselves to develop them for other people DO get hurt. BUT the good news is, there's nothing wrong with this. It's apart of being alive. It's apart of what it means to be a living, breathing, loving human being.

As [MENTION=23097]Insertnamehere[/MENTION] has suggested, perhaps the best thing for you is to not OVER-think this. You feel what you feel... and it may very well be that your feelings feel confusing. Ok. But, can you let yourself ENJOY any of that? I don't know if you've ever used recreational drugs but sometimes they make us feel all weird... but that 'weirdness' can be kind of fun... even exciting. At least it isn't BORING, right?

SO... you're having these thoughts and feelings and dreams about your friend. What does it mean? Well.. no way we can know. Only you can figure that out... hopefully along with your friend.

If I were in your shoes... I'd tell my friend EXACTLY what is going on with me... all of it... the excitement, the uncertainty, confusion, the whole giddy, silly, mess of it. And see what he has to say.

LOVE??? Love... ahhhh love... Heaven and Hell combined, I tell you. A form of passionate madness that, if you're lucky, takes you somewhere you've never been before... and could never have imagined ever finding.

Thank you for the advice! Sorry I will decline to drug use offer but the rest was great stuff! I will definitely focus on the feeling and more importantly courage!

[ClosetCase]

Love is a chemical imbalance that does not last long - 3-5 years tops for the happy joy-joy type of love, then it declines into other forms of familiarity, sort of like how y9ou love mom, but are not in-love with mom.

I reckon that a few will agree that a mixed relationship, one where one side is closeted, or positive or whatever, and the other is open, or negative or whatever tends not to work well for long.

That chemical imbalance makes the closeted one 'cute and adorable' for about a minute or so, then it becomes annoying and the open one will want... no NEED the affection to be open, honest and proudly displayed.

This means eventually you will most likely have to come out and be honest, or lose him.

When I met my first I was deep in the closet, even hid it well from myself. I had to make clear choices before we went to bed. I chose the option that in for a penny means totally in for a pound. So I came out, and lost a few things/people in the process. BUT, I never looked back nor did I regret my choice.

SHOULD you try to maintain this relationship, I strongly suggest you consider coming out and be that which you are. I don't care how conservative your family is. IF they cannot accept the real you and will disown you or something, fine, perfect... There are many in the world who don't care and will be your family.

Besides, how can you honestly relate to your family if you are always lying and hiding a fundamental aspect of yourself? Sooner (most likely than later) you will tip your own hand and reveal what you are and then shit will hit the fan, not because you are gay, but that you lied about it for so long.

I know plenty of gay folk who had conservative parents that turned around and loved their kid. I also know several liberal parents who were open about homosexuality being a good thing until their own kid turned gay, then the truth of just how dishonest those parents were about LGBT matters.

There is no telling exactly how one's parents will go on the matter. Until the truth is told.

Yes there is a risk, however living in shame/fear or whatever and living a lie never ends well for that person.

It is your choice, but I ask you to look at Craigslist or other Pick-up sites and see how many middle aged, married with kids closeted gays are out there who, like you declined to come out and now seek sex on the side - so called "discrete" relationships/fuck-buddies or what ever.

Do you want that to be you 20+ years from now???

Rhetorical, I don't need to know, but it is a question you need to ask yourself.

Wow! Great insight! I have considered coming out. I just want to do it in a respectful and professional way and I haven't come up with a good plan for that yet. I can think of the easy ways like text or email but sometimes we have to do hard things and I want my parents to know I respect that 100% and that they mean the world to me. I feel like they already know honestly (at least my mom anyway).

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Wow! Great insight! I have considered coming out. I just want to do it in a respectful and professional way and I haven't come up with a good plan for that yet. I can think of the easy ways like text or email but sometimes we have to do hard things and I want my parents to know I respect that 100% and that they mean the world to me. I feel like they already know honestly (at least my mom anyway).

There is no "good" way to actual break the news. Approaching it from a business road makes it souless. Granted, breaking the news to the family over christmas dinner is not the best of ways, but breaking the news leads to the "five stages of greif" process in those who have considered homosexuality as wrong.

Those stages, while applies to grief for death apply to many things.

Denial will be the first "You can't be gay" or "You don't look gay"

Then bargaining, often followed by resentment and/or anger... then there comes acceptance in many instances.

I broke the news to my father when I was 24.... that is 26 years ago... He still hasn't found the acceptance. Which is ironic considering he has a couple of gay friends, and a couple of black friends, and Jewish friends. Just say my father likes to collect tokens, but not because he actually likes them.

I say that to demonstrate how the ones you expect to react one way react another way.

Formal letters tend to work only if you don't want to see them react, or if you fear for your life.

The best method in the case of family is to approach the more "reasonable" or nurturing member. This isn't always Mom...

Letting that person know first, and telling them before hand that they are the first shows that you trust them and need/want their help to take the next step.

I know a guy who decorated his apartment with rainbows and posters of scantily dressed men and threw a dinner party. The funny part is that with all of these "clues" just one person he invited which included parents, siblings and "grandma" the stout and traditional Catholic who never accepted Vatican II got the "hint". According to him grand ma kept on chuckling as each course of the meal was a specific color (it was a six course meal) and had other "clues" as to it being a really, really gay meal.

IT didn't work well, especially since grandma finally couldn't stop laughing and called everyone present "idiots" for not understanding what was going on, and what kind of dinner they were attending. Its my understanding that Grandma had many vices, one of them was the ability to swear like a sailor.

Eventually the family came around, the best part was that Grandma, for all of her Catholic Morality was the first one to totally accept (She knew along time ago) him for what and who he is.

Whilst I wouldn't suggest this sort of dinner party (Come on, dinner parties are the height of social and civil discourse), its not well suited for most people.

If you have friends who don't know, perhaps try out different verbal approaches. Verbal is better than letter, because letters are impersonal and makes it feel like you are not open to discussion, or worse, you already know the person's reaction. While you most likely know their reaction, a person who knows you know will go into denial and then they claim that they would have accepted whatever had you only given them the chance.

Ultimately it boils down to short and simple. Just say "I'm gay."

Then let what ever happens happen.