Should I lower the bar and date guys I don't like for the sake of not feeling lonely?

[Peter4822]

I'm gonna make this short: Last night I went to my friend's birthday party. It was at a (straight) bar. She was with some friends. and as soon as I arrived the place I got charmed by one of her friends: He was so handsome, well dressed easy going and happy.

So, right away I asked my friend if he was gay and she said, hell yes! The problem is that I was like invisible, he almost never talked to me or looked at me the whole night, he was all night on his cellphone. I felt so awful because it is always the same, nobody ever looks at me I am like a ghost or something that nobody can see.

This is a never ending situation. I've ever left some places a cause of this situation where I'm around hot guys because I just feel so out of place. Last time I went to a gay bar I couldn't stay longer than 20 minutes. All that couples and hot dudes made me feel depressed. Men on dating apps ignore me also. So, I don't know what to do, I just want to stay at home but it's bad, sometimes I need to go out and give life a try like last night but it is always the same.

Later, I learned the guy I met last night has a boyfriend who lives in another city who he was face-timing with all night. I think he noticed that I was down because he told me: ''why are you so quiet?'' dance, break free...'' I still don't know why he said that.

Then, we went out the bar to eat something and we talked a little bit more, and he's a nice guy, boyfriend material for sure, but unfortunately, he is taken and too much for a guy like me.

Guys like him just make me feel awful because I can't have them and at the same time I will never be that hot or happy.


The worst thing is I've met some guys but they don't ignite that spark inside of me.
Should I then lower the bar and date guys I don't like for the sake of not feeling lonely?
I'm not looking for a Andrew Christian model, but a guy who make me feel,you know, alive, little butterflies, you know, I'm pretty sure you understand what I am talking about.

I want a guy like that but they don't want guys like me.

Honestly I don't really know what to do about my life.
It just break my heart to see how those guys were killed in Orlando, those guys so young full of life and projects, while I am here just filling an space on Earth.
I'd die to make one of them alive again if I could. They had more reasons to live than myself.

[bryyzy]

Don't lower your bar. I'm in the same boat as you, but down lower your bar for the sake of not being lonely because if you end up with someone who doesn't ignite you. You can end up resenting them. Your Mr right is out there. Have some self belief and confidence and he will come along

[InbetweenDreams]

I have a friend who's in his early 40's and is over 300 lbs. Also very insecure due to his family's view on being gay so he pretty much hates himself and there's just nothing I can do to try helping him. He wants a BF and forth but he can't really change his life around due to his family -- long story short.

Anyway, we're all pretty much in the same boat, that goes for me as well. I think sometimes being humbled is good know that one's self isn't necessarily the best thing since ever but also knowing neither is anyone else. Being good looking, sexy doesn't mean you get a backstage pass, unfortunately neither does having a good personality or being stable either.

Hang in there, just keep talking to guys might not meet the man of your dreams but you always have a chance of meeting a life long friend which is something a lot of people in general can't say they have.

[kindy64]

Always be yourself, but learn some confidence. Shy and quiet are one thing. Nervous and guarded come across very differently. If people are treating you like you are invisible, it's likely because you are just sitting there and not engaging them.

You need to get out of your shell and meet more people. That doesn't mean just going to gay bars, or being on gay apps. Means go do stuff you like to do, and meet friends along the way. Either those friends, or friends of friends are going to be the ones to connect with on a deeper level.

Try meetup.com and search for gay groups in your area.

[TigerLover]

Dude you gotta stop comparing yourself to other people like this, it's not healthy.

For all you know some of those people in the pulse nightclub that you're so eager to die for were drug dealers. Or suicidaly depressed.

You can't judge a person's happiness based on their appearance alone.

While we're on the subject of judgements that hot guy didn't pass any judgement on you, he didn't look at you, find you lacking then decide not to date you. For all you know if he was single he might've been all over you. You're making a mountain out of a molehill with that incident.

As for settling. If you don't find someone attractive then a relationship with them is going to be unsatisfying.

As for attracting guys.
1.Get thee to a gym. If you're that desperate you should be desperate enough to work out.
2.Work on your self-esteem issues. Confidence is sexy.

Buddy you have every bit as much potential as those guys in the pulse nightclub did.

[VirgoMasquerade]

In the world of acting if you're given a role that's not always leading your pretty fucked, But you have to do something to make that character standout from all the rest. Now its your turn to make yourself stand out! Be bold go up to guys and talk to them, Buy them a drink, Go and up and ask them to dance (dry hump) You have to take charge sometimes and be the leader and not the follower

[Darius]

There is more to attraction then looks and hotness. Personality goes a long way, but you have to let people see it. You can't be a wallflower. Be friendly and outgoing, don't be overly serious, have a good sense of humor and show interest in the other person. You can do.

You do have to be realistic, however. Find guys that you feel more equal with

[Borg69]

Most of your statement in your OP seemed to be lamenting because guys aren't coming to you. You're perfectly able to get up off your ass and go introduce yourself and talk to guys yourself. Show some initiative. Mr. Right isn't going to drop out of the sky in your lap!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Depends on what lower the bar really means.

I met my latest flame (Towering Inferno) By walking the dog down the street one evening. Well hobbling on my cane, while begging my dog to please stop pulling and trying to trip me up. Inferno walked up, grabbed the leash gently and said he would help. And he did.

We talked for a while, and things just sorta took off, at the speed of a snail hopped up on morphine. We became friends first, well actually he started to walking in the evening to "accidentally" meet Andi and I. See he thinks he has the wool pulled over my eyes. I'm not that blind.

Is he my "type" Oh god yes... Is he the type of guy I would expect to find at a party, on social media, at a club - not really. Is the type that a decade or two ago I would have sworn he was way out of my league... well actually I still do.

Did I lower my bar? Nah. I failed to put the bar up, I just gave up on the whole nonsense of finding "The One" or for that matter just a one... and when I was least prepared for it, least willing to be dragged into one more relationship, God just up and decided to hit me with a two by four, or larger plank of wood to remind me that no, I can't get out of this that easily.

The reality is that the 6 other relationships I have been in have happened when I wasn't looking, wasn't set on my feet all the way, wasn't interested in dating or romance. Not saying that they were all horror stories that unfolded like a nightmare. There were good times, and yes a few turned out to be nice tales you don't tell to little children unless you really want to muck up the kid's heads for life. But a few were good for the most part, until the end.

The moral of this is that once you stop looking (honestly, truly to goodness stop) something unexpected (and most likely unwanted if you are doing it right) will happen.

oh and it gets better. Now that I found "one" I have found several - I literally have my pick of guys to choose from. That is something else that the invisible man in the sky loves to do, causing droughts or floods.

[Peter4822]

Depends on what lower the bar really means.

I met my latest flame (Towering Inferno) By walking the dog down the street one evening. Well hobbling on my cane, while begging my dog to please stop pulling and trying to trip me up. Inferno walked up, grabbed the leash gently and said he would help. And he did.

We talked for a while, and things just sorta took off, at the speed of a snail hopped up on morphine. We became friends first, well actually he started to walking in the evening to "accidentally" meet Andi and I. See he thinks he has the wool pulled over my eyes. I'm not that blind.

Is he my "type" Oh god yes... Is he the type of guy I would expect to find at a party, on social media, at a club - not really. Is the type that a decade or two ago I would have sworn he was way out of my league... well actually I still do.

Did I lower my bar? Nah. I failed to put the bar up, I just gave up on the whole nonsense of finding "The One" or for that matter just a one... and when I was least prepared for it, least willing to be dragged into one more relationship, God just up and decided to hit me with a two by four, or larger plank of wood to remind me that no, I can't get out of this that easily.

The reality is that the 6 other relationships I have been in have happened when I wasn't looking, wasn't set on my feet all the way, wasn't interested in dating or romance. Not saying that they were all horror stories that unfolded like a nightmare. There were good times, and yes a few turned out to be nice tales you don't tell to little children unless you really want to muck up the kid's heads for life. But a few were good for the most part, until the end.

The moral of this is that once you stop looking (honestly, truly to goodness stop) something unexpected (and most likely unwanted if you are doing it right) will happen.

oh and it gets better. Now that I found "one" I have found several - I literally have my pick of guys to choose from. That is something else that the invisible man in the sky loves to do, causing droughts or floods.

What if the problem is being too ugly?