Advice to Stop Feeling Unattractive

[XenoRian]

Hey everyone! First post here, scouring the internet for advice....

So this is my problem; I am 30 and I have a great sex life with my partner. We have been together for two years now. Our sex is nothing like my previous relationships, it really feels like we mutually enjoy each other and have pretty similar sexual preferences.

So This sounds great, what could be wrong?

In all honesty it is, and I know the majority is just a state of mind however... He doesn't initiate. Ever. And when I say ever, I really mean never. We still have sex regularly, 3 or 4 times a week however I am always the one who reaches over, rubs his body, gets the juices flowing... And I honestly feel neglected. I feel myself wanting and desiring this in return. I lay there sometimes after I feel like I made it obvious I am wanting sex, crossing every limb in my body hoping he will touch me. Just TOUCH me!! I scream this to myself as I lie on my side...

But nothing, ever. In the worst moments when I really am in the mood, I will swallow my frustration and turn around and initiate again. He always gets into, he doesn't shy away or tell me he isn't in the mood...

However if he IS in the mood, he will never tell me. He will go and take his phone to the bathroom (which I have nothing against)... But I just wish he would point that desire towards me sometimes. I wish he would hold me, and push HIMSELF against ME so that I feel wanted.

I have tried to talk to him about it but he is not very receptive, unfortunately. He is under the impression that he does initiate. I am not sure what to do or if I should just resolve myself to not receiving this sort of affection for the rest of my life... And even if I do decide this... How do I stop myself from getting so very frustrated some mornings or evenings. I don't want to make him feel bad either if this is just the way it is...

So, does anybody have any experience with this? What do you guys think?

Thanks in advance for the advice

[matty7]

why not just give in to the fact that he is different to you - he is not touchy feely to initiate like you and maybe that just means its part of his personality and/or upbringing - he doesn't shy away though which then I would be concerned about - if having sex 3 to 4 times a week is your only problem then I congratulate you on a great relationship - yes it would be lovely if he initiated butt im guessing that's not who he is - some people are very reserved and that's just who they are

[XenoRian]

Thanks for your input. This is pretty much our only problem however I am not comparing extremes or talking about this being a make or break scenario. I am just looking for some advice.

I know I may have to resolve myself to accepting fhis as the "way things are", I was wondering if others have had a similar experience and had some advice on how to deal with these feelings. To be honest I do pretty well coping by putting my feelings aside, howevrr it definitely feels like there is a vuild up of frustration that I am looking to calm.

Thanks again!

[InbetweenDreams]

How do you bring up his lack of intimacy towards you? Might have to be more direct like tell him to grab your ass if you want your ass grabbed... Guys in foreplay, the brain is going 80 mph and realizing you're not pleasing your partner can come kind of slow. I also would think that it is possible that sex could becoming more...standard...like doing the same thing the same way maybe?

[Camfer]

I had a boyfriend whose idea of initiating sex was to poke his index finger into my side, like two kids might do to each other on on the playground. He even had a little "boop" sound effect utterance that went along with the gesture. It wasn't how I preferred to be approached, but the sex was great and I liked the guy, so I went with it. I never once mentioned how odd it felt to me. It didn't feel odd to him, so I wouldn't make anything out of it. It was a clear signal, and so why change it?

I think you have several issues that you can untangle from each other. One is that you don't feel attractive. One is you don't feel your partner shows you affection the way you want, which is physical. Another is that your partner doesn't initiate sex at all.

I think you could reframe his lack of initiating sex in a positive way. You could think, "My partner is always open and receptive to my advances. I am so lucky to have that, and most guys are not as lucky as I am. So many other guys are complaining they can't get enough sex from their partners, but I can get the sex I want. It's cute the way he is so shy about initiating sex."

For physical affection, maybe you can start by asking for it in the moment when you're at home. Then reinforce it in a positive manner. Say, "Give me a hug." or sit on the couch and ask him to rest his head on your lap. Ask him to rub your shoulders. Then when he does these things tell him how much you love it. Your partner may take some time to feel comfortable with this. Not every guy is touchy feely.

As for your feeling unattractive, you haven't really given much to go on. It seems like your partner's behavior is a trigger for it, but the feeling is probably deeper and his actions just bring it up for you.

[LJay]

Get an old sock and put a pair of dice in it. set up a little game. Tell him to put his finger on one die and take it out of the sock. If his finger is coveing an odd number he gets to start. If it is an even die you get to start. Everybody wins.

Actually I like Camfer's idea better, but anything that works will do.

[Sylph]

Maybe he's insecure or unsure or lacks confidence, in those areas or just in general?

Sometimes, in my admittedly limited experience:

When a guy is attracted to you, but you happen to be the extrovert/the one he finds pretty/handsome or what have you;

Is what can make them less certain and sure, like:

"I wanna push him face down and exert dominance, but will that emasculate him?"

Or "What if I tell him he's gorgeous and he scoffs at me/ looks at me weird"

Because maybe in his mind, because your personalities cleeearly contrast, he doesn't wanna offend or misstep any unseen boundary.


Many guys often don't know how to treat another guy, especially outside of sex, if it is not something they've accustom themselves to.

Guys tend to treat me like a girl or call me "darling" (usually patronizingly), because everything from my voice to my mannerisms to them, is womanly, and I'm so fine with that.
But gay guys who are not like that themselves or are not used to that; tend to treat me in a very similar way; to the point of sexualization like that of Males unto Females:

Carrying my things
Disallowing me into certain things, like doing a hard job
Pointing out my Feminine traits (the fact that I resemble my mother is a common one)


Humans are just complicated gurl.

Maybe just talk to him. Or do something to where he will have to initiate.

[knickerbuck]

less time in the mirror, more time being FABULOUS!!! ... XD~~~ ..

[meridannight]

maybe you two need to talk more, and i mean: talk about things you don't want to talk about.

your issue is well-founded and legitimate. i would feel uncomfortable in a relationship where my partner didn't initiate physical affection as well. it is a big thing, not tiny details.

and don't say that you've talked to him, or tried to talk to him. you have to do it in a way that really sets it all out for him. and if he can't be receptive to your concerns either then you have a problem. it is one thing to feel uncomfortable approaching another man physically -- even a man you already know intimately -- but another to not be open to his issues, and issues with the relationship. even if initiating really is something he can't do, he has to be able to talk to you about it.

you'll never going to be not frustrated with this until you understand why he is this way. it'll only get worse ignoring the problem.

[Sylph]

less time in the mirror, more time being FABULOUS!!! ... XD~~~ ..

Girl yas!

This is what I'm all about!!

One time I walked out of my house with my scolly still tied around my head, in my short little pants to go buy some house spray (damn bugs x.x ) and I got called Fabulous by some old lady, along with fag, bitch and a couple of other things:

But at the end of the day: that fabulous def carried my ass home in high spirits lol.


Tho in retrospect... I shouldn't have gone dressed like that on a Sunday, as that's pretty disrespectful, even for me