Not sleeping when sleeping over

[SkinnyGuy123]

Does anyone have any helpful advice to offer? I find myself struggling to sleep when I stay over with someone. It's the first person I've slept over with but this is someone I'm seeing rather than just a one-nighter, so there is no issue with trust or feeling comfortable sleeping with them.

I've tried all sorts so far, from cuddling close so there's lots of body contact for reassurance, to keeping distance so it's more like being in my own bed alone, concentrating on breathing in time with him to relax, duvet off so I don’t overheat, counting, etc. etc. but I invariably just end up lying there not able to drop off. And on the rare occasion I do fall asleep, I end up waking in the night with a full bladder and having to get out to the toilet, and then not being able to get back to sleep again afterwards.

At home alone in my own bed I don’t often have problems with falling asleep and rarely wake in the night. I have dreamt about sharing a bed with somebody I like for so long, and really love everything about it, so it's just so frustrating ending up not being able to sleep! The last couple of times I have been no good for anything else at all the whole rest of the weekend because I've been so tired afterwards (lack of sleep really doesn't suit me!) plus after a mainly sleepless night my morning wood is less sensitive which doesn't help with early morning fun the next day.

Aside from just putting up with it until sharing a bed becomes more of “the norm” for me and hoping my body adapts, is there anything I could do to help myself?

[TigerLover]

Only generic sleep advice.

Don't drink coffee, tea or booze before bed.
A healthy well balanced diet
regular exercise
Don't use digital devices for a half-hour before bed time.

[Darius]

Hi, SG, I think your last sentence is really your answer. It just takes time learning how to share a bed with someone. Once it becomes a regular occurance, I think you will fall into a normal rhythm. The problem might continue if sharing a bed remains an irregular routine. I'd be willing to bet you are a light sleeper at the best of times, however.

One other thing: are you having sex before you go to sleep? Personally, sex wakes me up, whereas most people claim it makes them sleepy. I need to get out of bed until I become sleepy.

[SkinnyGuy123]

The problem might continue if sharing a bed remains an irregular routine. I'd be willing to bet you are a light sleeper at the best of times, however.

I don't think I would consider myself a light sleeper - have slept completely through enormous thunderstorms before and even a light earthquake once!

One other thing: are you having sex before you go to sleep? Personally, sex wakes me up, whereas most people claim it makes them sleepy. I need to get out of bed until I become sleepy.

Scientifically, I think you are supposed to feel sleepier after having sex, but it sometimes put me on an adrenaline high instead. With regards the situation at hand, it depends. To be honest, most often it is a lot of kissing/cuddling/spooning leading on to things, but not always to full completion (if you get what I mean).

[jeremyst]

These are the ones that worked for me:

1) Meditate
2) Chamomile Tea
3) ZMA - it's a supplement
4) Lavender oil/scent
5) Those things TigerLover mentioned above
6) If you can, play something soothing in the background, but not loud. Could be like ocean waves, cricket sounds, raindrops, fireplace etc.

[Cuddly]

You could take sleeping pills to help yourself adjust to sharing a bed. It should not be a permanent solution, ofcourse.

[Thundanton]

I will definitely go with what jeremyst says,
calming sounds always works for me.

I know what you are going through, I had the same problem with my ex, he always liked to cuddle too which made it worse for me. I could feel his heart beat which was like double the speed of mine and hear him breath, it kept me up, really hard getting used to sleeping with someone when your used to sleeping on your own. try sleeping a little bit away from him once he fals asleep, see if that helps.

[Borg69]

Jerk off before bed. You'll be asleep in no time.

[LJay]

Tried talking through it with your partner?

You haven't mentioned it, but I am wondering if you are not sure just what your partner likes in the way of a bedmate's behavior. Consciously or not, that could make you unsettled.

Maybe he can help you relax before sleep with a massage.

The lavender oil thing is a long known recipe for relaxing. Try it. It can't hurt.

I find that if I do wake at night it is better to just get up and do something calm. Read, draw, have a glass of wine, just think out the day. Avoid TV or computer because they can encourage wakefulness. Then go back to bed in a calm mood. If your partner likes it you could have sex and concentrate on relaxing and feeling secure.

The main thing is to get used to your surroundings and your friend's presence. I imagine that beneath the surface, you just don't quite feel at home yet.

[Anocxu]

it's just a bit of >anxiety< throwing you off...

You are not the first person i've heard of with this issue..

It's really an adjustment period...
You'll get comfortable eventually.