I brought up the most difficult subject of my life

[Cuddly]

Hey guys..

Apparently I'm getting more used to and comfortable with sharing these deep thoughts. Judge me as you will, all opinions are welcome and I am genuinely interested in what you have to say.

Background story:
At 17 I met my husbear (47) and we've now been together for 10 years. At the very beginning of our relationship my husbear shared his heartbreaking story of how his ex cheated on him, stole from him. That ex has left a serious mental scar on my husbear. They were together for a number of years and for the last while of their relationship the ex was openly cheating on him. Everybody else knew, except my hardworking husbear. He found out eventually and confronted with him and the rest is history.
In part, because of this, my husbear made it crystal clear that our relationship would be purely monogamous and that I would never cheat on him. Ever.
I loved him (I still do!) and it wasn't really a problem, although it did worry me that I made such a commitment at my age. I agreed and we became a couple. He is the only person I have ever had sex with. My "fucked list" is literally just 1 name. His.
We have a great life together. We both love our wonderful dog. We have friends, both separate and mutual. I am very picky with who I find attractive. Large hairy men, only. Not at all the type I bump into every day, if ever. I mean, at times I see somebody I consider attractive on the train, but it's 1 : 10000 guys, it feels like, so I'm not overexposed or at risk of losing my head and being led on by my dick (dicknapped, as they say!). I consider my husbear to be the perfect bear. He has a beautiful hair pattern on his belly. I drool just thinking about it... Etc.etc. I could go on about his wonderland of a body for days, but I'll cut that to keep this relatively short. Suffice to say, he's my Adonis. The perfect man. As I mentioned in my last asking for advice post, I was kicked out of uni and had to rent a room in Copenhagen, where I now live on the weekdays to continue studying at another university. Life there is great and I'm back on track with my studying. We have been living like this (apart for weekdays, together for weekends and holidays) for 14 months now.

The subject:
For the past week my desire to sleep around has increased 10 fold. It has been an overpowering need to get attention from random grizzlys. I have not sought to meet anyone or come in contact with anyone, or anything like that. I've always had that lust for other meat, but it has never before been this magnetic. Because of this, I spent the last 4 or so days having difficulty sleeping, as I was thinking about this apparent problem. I feel like I'm fully committed to this relationship, with my husbear and I have no intention of leaving him. But fuck! I really don't think I can stay monogamous. If I imagine my desire to sleep around as a graph, it's growing exponentially and at this rate I'll lose it in less than a year. So, after much thinking and debating back and forth in my mind, I ended up deciding that I would have to talk to him about this. He is my partner. He is my lover. He is my best and truest friend. He loves me. I briefly considered talking to my other friend about it, but quickly dismissed the idea. There's only one person this conversation could ever be had with and that was my husbear. I just knew how badly it would hurt him and I really didn't want to, but on the other hand, I could not contain this any longer. It hurt too much!
So this weekend, while I've been at home (with him, obviously), I've been trying to find the right moment and the right way to put this to him. I worked up the courage after amazing afternoon sex, while we were enjoying the afterburn together. The thing is, I'm not good at this deep feeling sharing discussion type thing, so just forming the words in my mouth made me tear up and my throat clamp shut.
But ok, I managed to get out the starter of the conversation. I went something like this:
"I've been thinking about us. You and me."
Dramatic intro to what could definitely sound like a break-up talk. Right?
After saying that I succumbed to my sobbing and he had to force me to continue "You can't stop there.".
I managed to convey that I've been feeling miserable for the past days and had difficulty sleeping because of these thoughts. And that the reason was that I felt an itch to sleep with other guys. He was understandably flustered, but told me that he deep down knew that this day would come. In spite of my attempts at reassuring him that I loved him and did not want to leave him or damage our relationship, he made it clear that he felt that these my needs were born out of him being inadequate. I told him, and I genuinely believe this, that was not the case. At all. He's amazing and I love him to bits, which exactly why this was such a horrible subject to bring up. I knew how it would hurt him. At this point I felt like I was going to pass out. My vision was blurry around the edges, not just from tears. I was so sickened by myself, my desires, the hurt I was causing and the fact that I was toying with our relationship. I mean, in a sore spot like this, the wrong comment can destroy everything, right?
We talked about it some more and he repeatedly said he had no solution to this. He also mentioned splitting up, that he would never give me a free-pass to sleep around and that it's crazy how sex can ruin things. He asked me what it was that I wanted. What I had in mind. Truth be told, I don't know.
Analyzing myself in this matter is difficult. My state of mind changes noticeably, in this regard and I'm perplexed. On one hand, it could be a case of the grass always being greener on the other side. On the other hand, it could be me fearing that I am missing out on something. Or maybe I feel that I should get to experienced NSA sex and.. just.. other guys. As much as he satisfies me, how can I truly know and appreciate it if I have nothing to compare him to? I don't actually know if I even want to sleep with other men. It has never really seemed like an option before. If I found myself in the situation, on my way to another man's bed, could I even go through with it? I have no idea. To clarify, my cumbersome lust is entirely bodily and not on a spiritual level. I don't feel any need to connect spiritually with another individual. I just want to touch some dicks.
Before I brought up this toxic subject, we were talking about going down to the kitchen to have a late lunch. When the talk died down I went to the bathroom to take a shower. I sat down to cry in the shower, questioning my sanity and humanity for bringing this up and hurting the man I love, all on the account of my restless dick. After the shower I went back to the bedroom to find him in bed. As if sleeping. So I did what I normally do, I laid down on top of him and kissed him, tenderly. He reciprocated. I then asked if he would come down to the kitchen with me and make lunch. So we did. I cleaned up the kitchen while he was cooking. As I was preparing the trash to be taken outside, he started questioning the christmas plans (as he wasn't sure if we were a couple or what was up) and I just lost it and started wailing. He came over to hug me. Bless him, I really wanted him to do that. And I held him tight, while still holding the trashbag in my hand, as I wept into his shoulder. I calmed down and took out the garbage outside to the dumpster. I took a deep revitalizing breath of cold autumn air on my way back in. Once back in the kitchen, he told me that maybe I could go on sextrips and get it out of my system every third month.
Apparently he was getting accustomed to the idea. I did not expect that. My immediate thought was that sex trips are a bit wild and way out of my comfortzone. Not that hooking up with a single stranger wouldn't be, but planning a trip and going away for a weekend or a week to simply fuck seems excessive. All I feel is an itch, not an earthquake. The fact that he came forward with that much showed me something, however. It showed me that he really wanted to make this work. Just like me. So that was a relief. I don't really remember how I responded, but as they day went on I enjoyed his company as we watched some Netflix and cooked dinner. He jokingly said that there's the possibility of medicinal sterilization and I sternly acknowledged that I had considered the option. Many nights with difficulty sleeping weighing my options, it came up.
Sometime after dinner I asked him if he had forgiven me, for bringing it up and told him that the conversation did not change anything. He simply told me that he loves me. I reassured him that I'm not going to go out and cheat on him, and that that was not the point of the conversation. The point of the conversation was that I was feeling an itch and that itch was getting worse and I was not sure if I could resist scratching forever. Or wanted to resist forever. It is my belief that we only have this life and I hate regrets. I don't want to regret my relationship with him, now or ever. Maybe something needs to be done and I'm glad to have discussed it. It gave me peace of mind, but unraveled his. What a mess.
He has gone to bed and is likely already sleeping. I will go snuggle up and hug him tightly as I dose off too.

TL;DR:
Discussed opening up our 10 year monogamous relationship with husbear. The world didn't end, nor did the relationship.

[Insertnamehere]

Yours is a predictable case I think.

Starting up a serious relationship at 17 seems out of place, to say the least. It's not a "standard" progression. This is mere observation of trends on my part, not a hardcore fact, btw.

**Disclaimer: I am fairly unconventional myself and I haven't even gotten around dating another guy (I have tried at some point, though) so anything I say, I'm afraid, comes from observation of other people's experiences and not from my own.**

Nothing wrong with that structure, of course, if you're happy with it, if it worked ok, etc. But it is obvious that at some point you would start at least wondering what it would be like to get on with someone else. That thought only gets stronger if you've never been with anyone else, I think. Again, mere observation.

I'm not sure if there is a good solution to all of this. Your desires may die down, get stronger, who knows. As far as I see it, you can either resist or face the alternative in accord with your current partner.

But I have to commend you on something really critical: You were upfront about it, honest, didn't beat around the bush. The fact that you openly admitted to an issue is probably the best course of action you could have taken. So few people do this. We see it, here, whenever someone asks for advice. Lack of communication. It kills relationships more than anything else. You didn't cheat on him and when you feared you might you were open about it. Quite frankly, this very bit will probably save you from being a cheater.

If he is any kind of smart, he knew this too. Right from the second he agreed to a relationship with you. It would be very stupid from him not even thinking about something like this popping up considering he was getting with someone so young. From what you say, he did know. He prepared for this moment. So all in all, I don't think it hit him as hard as it would otherwise have. The truth hurts, it is true, and hurts a lot. But in the long run lies or silence are far more damaging. Don't feel too bad for doing this. In any case, it shows how mature the relationship is, to be able to discuss something like this.

I can only hope you 2 find a way to overcome this, one way or another. It seems you 2 have a solid and wonderful relationship, so I can expect you will


**sigh** and, for the record, I understand you and your concerns.

I'm a closeted piece of sh*t and fairly limited in my field of action because of it, but it won't be like this forever. Once I'm out of here, waving my goodbyes to the family, dropping the gay bomb on them at that moment, I'll certainly want to pursue company with much more unrestrained effort.

But, I often think about this very thing that troubles you. I am and always have been relationship-oriented. If sex was all I wanted from guys I could have done that already, repeteadly. But imagining I get to have a relationship with someone, I wonder if I won't get that same itch as you do.

I make a parallel here because in one way or another, you and me have not "played the field" in the time frame we were supposed to be doing it. I certainly feel like I'm a decade behind everyone else.

Quite often I've heard from older more experienced voices that in these kinds of situations, there is a moment when a person like this will want and try to overcompensate (i.e. turn into a bit of a slut). Not a universal thing, but I can happen.

Not sure if that will be my case, but I just hope, that I am half as mature and honest as you dude if it happens to me. Cheers.

[SilverBullet]

Honestly the best possible thing I can think of happened.
You were both adults, you came together, were honest with each other and you two started to work on about the only solution I can think of.

Bravo!

I think its better to get it out of your system, what you did may have caused him pain but he realizes what you were feeling. After you get some of this out of your system you both will feel better, you will be happier and he will be happy your happy .

Not saying you would have cheated, but feeling that way for many is what causes people to cheat and I feel like that would have crushed him. You did the right thing, be open, talk to him like you have been .

[InbetweenDreams]

Why do you suppose you have had the urge to sleep around? Forgive me for asking, I haven't had the liberty to have been in a relationship for years and be in your situation. Speaking for myself, yeah I would like to shag...right now to be honest but I don't know why I would feel that urge to sleep around with someone else unless there was something wrong...that meaning anything.

[Camfer]

Right around 27 or 29 years of age, you are at your peak. Your brain and body have fully matured, and your hormones are going strong. I spoken with many guys who report just how crazy strong the sex drive is between the ages of 27 and 31. I know I experienced it.

What you do with all that energy is up to you and your partner. He may well have experienced it when he was your age.

Maybe now that you've talked to your partner, you can also share with your trusted friend so you have someone else to use as a sounding board for all the thoughts and possibilities that are presenting themselves.

It seems like you can get more clarity on what you want and have some honest discussions about it. What does "just wanting to touch some dicks" look like for you? A 3-way with your BF present? An evening at a bath house? A random anonymous encounter, or a series of them? Role playing with your BF? "Open relationship" is a very nebulous term. I am not sure that you really want that. You might find some very specific parameters that are acceptable to you both.

Sometimes all a partner is seeking is the freedom but not actually going through the act of being with another guy. Sometimes you are balancing your own desires with the knowledge of how that will affect your partner even if you have his permission, and you decide ultimately not to act on the desire after you weigh the benefit to you with the impact it has on him. Dammit, we really need [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] to chime in here.

I think you are courageous to make this post and courageous to bring your partner into the discussion. Wishing you great insight.

[meridannight]

[MENTION=20359]Cuddly[/MENTION],

I am convinced that not a single man is capable of being with just one sexual partner for their whole life. Men are sexual in the truest sense of the word. We need to play with other men's sexual parts and bodies. It's just something you need to experience. Men can be faithful, and settle down with just one man, but before they do they need to get it out of their system (so to say, because you will never entirely get it out of your system. Guys just learn to live with it, everyone in his own way).

On one side I feel like I have a lot to say on why it is important to be with different sexual partners and experience that, and on the other I feel like it's a knowledge obvious to every man and I would be saying things that are redundant.

I like you Cuddly, as much as I have gotten to interact with you on this site, and I don't mean this with any disrespect -- I don't want to call you naïve, you are a smart, intelligent man, but I do think that anybody who thinks it's possible for a man to go through life and be with just one single sexual partner, is naïve. Your partner as well, he should know better than to think he can pick up an inexperienced 17-year-old boy and live happily in blissful monogamy for the rest of his life from there. It's one thing to settle down into a monogamous relationship and then still want other men on the side, it's a very different thing when your partner has only ever been with you and no-one else.

People say you can do anything if you really want to, and some will even say it's possible for men to be with just one partner sexually. I say, I don't believe in it. I think it's an abstract idealistic belief, detached from reality. You can probably force yourself to be like that, if you really want to. But I think that can only happen at the cost of self-development and growth.

[Gemini]

If you decide to go ahead and experiment, it should be with full knowledge and acceptance of the fact that your partner may weell do the same.

I know a couple who ended up in much the same space, except it was the older guy who was restless. He came out late, and this was his first real relationship. He cheated, a couple random hookups, got caught. He swore that he didn't want an open relationship, but as time went on, couldn't quite keep it in his pants.

Lots of therapy later, he finally admitted that he wanted that freedom for himself, but not for his partner. He couldn't stand the thought of any other guy touching his partner. He went a little nuts and said he'd kill any guy his partner was with.

Obviously, this didn't sit well with his partner, who offered him 3 choices - Stop fucking around, Accept a equal open relationship, or for them to separate. Reasonable, I think. But he's a mess, and the drama continues.

I'm only bringing this up because I think that you need to look at this from all sides and be prepared to accept whatever transpires. Even if he doesn't want other guys now, he may well change his mind if you start to experiment. You need to be sure in your mind and heart that you're fully accepting of that

[matty7]

this is just a quick answer for now...sort of sticking a plaster over it .. When these thoughts come into your mind just masturbate and get it out of your system for the very short term , the true solution if there is one may be hard to find..

Hers another solution to maybe discuss with your partner , its a little out there but what about introducing a 3 party to the bedroom if that will get it out of your system for a while - your husbear will be their and nothing is done behind his back to make him question his manliness or is ability as a partner - just an idea to a difficult situation buddy

[princealbertofb]

Ok, [MENTION=20359]Cuddly[/MENTION], bravo for being brave enough to have that conversation... I can't think of a solution that would be pleasant for your husbear who definitely does not want you to sleep around. Although at his age, he ought to be a little more flexible about sex, because he must know what it's like to be a man and to wish for sex, and being away for such long periods must be difficult for both of you.
Anyway, the only suggestion I could come up with was for you to start a sort of diary. A diary in which you'd write about how it feels for you, because words are difficult when you have to speak them, maybe it would be easier if they were only words that needed writing and then someone could read them. You, to clear your head on what you really want, and him (if you let him read it) to show him how this qualm is distressing you as much as it is tearing you apart.

Your husbear needs confirmation that you do not want to give him up. But at the same time I think he needs to understand the true nature of your desire. So, could putting it into written words be the solution? I'm just wondering whether this is a diary that you could both write (each in his own corner) to share with each other when you see each other and to keep the difficult conversation going, until, maybe, one day, he can give you a bit of that freedom you need to explore (because, to be honest, you've never ever had the opportunity of a teenager and young adult to sow your wild oats, have you? ) and maybe it would give him some peace of mind to know how you really feel about endangering your relationship.

If open relationships exist so much more in the gay world, it must be because we are more honest and far more understanding of each other's needs. I think knowing you have his authorisation to use your body as you please in terms of sexual gratification might make you think twice about what you actually do with this authorisation. I am not convinced that you'd end up being a slut, it just doesn't sound like you. Anyway, even if you do start having sex with other men, just to see what it's like, it wouldn't necessarily mean you were a slut.

You really just need to start thinking up a set of rules about personal safety that you will both stick to in order not to endanger each other's sexual lives. These rules could also apply to the mental sphere. Would he want to know that you'd had sex outside home, or would he prefer for you to keep it private? Would you be wanting to share these experiences with him, or not? Would it be something you write in your diary?

Your husbear, being much older than you, should also realise that he will most likely, one day, make you a widower... That's just statistical, isn't it? Would he expect you to give up your best years (your prime) for his own pride and selfishness. I understand that it wouldn't feel good for him to know you are having sex with other guys, but maybe he needs to acknowledge that it won't necessarily endanger your relationship as a couple. It might, in fact, make it even steadier and more durable. It is not as if you were light headed and stupid about whom you would choose to have sex with, is it? I think once you start doing this casual sex, you might start thinking that it isn't what you are looking for. You seem to be the kind that loves to be in a strong and steady relationship. And then a bit like an itch that needs scratching, after you'd had that scratch, you feel much better, less jumpy and truly in a state to enjoy the relationship you already share together.

I'm wondering, how does he cope with you being away for such long times, sexually speaking? Does he just use porn? Or is he just not very sexual?

[Cuddly]

Wow, thanks for the replies and attention guys. I told my husbear about this post and had him read through it and the replies that were there at the time. I believe Meridannight's reply was the last one, at the time. I am back in Copenhagen, so we have a couple of days apart now. There was absolutely no malice or ill will as he dropped me off or before, at home. In fact we had amazing sex when we woke up this morning.

[MENTION=23097]Insertnamehere[/MENTION]
Aww, thanks
Your guess is as good as mine. My gut feeling is that these unwelcome urges are here to stay, though. Until sated, anyway.
As for becoming a bit of a slut; I don't know if that will happen to either of us. I mean, I'm very sexually driven, but I am also calculated and reflective. I don't think I'm likely to be dicknapped and you don't strike me as the type either.
And by the way dicknapping (which I found out about while making the thread yesterday), is an easier way of saying that the regions of the brain responsible for our reasoning, decision making, inhibitions etc are dulled, by the arousal and sexual desire. Basically, when you go fuck your secretary and immediately regret it upon climax, you were dicknapped. Kidnapped by your dick.
And yeah, I am kind of feeling like I'm a decade behind everyone else too. Even though I am absolutely not a virgin, I kind of feel like one. Utter nonsense, but those are my feelings nonetheless.

[MENTION=19807]SilverBullet[/MENTION]
Thank you. I tried very hard to do what I believed was the right thing. I am glad you agree with my course of action. I sincerely hope it will turn out to improve our relationship, rather than tear it a part. So far, I think it has improved it. We will see.

[MENTION=23180]axle2152[/MENTION]
I don't know for sure. Maybe it's a basic instinct thing? I feel a need to spread my genes far and wide, or if my being gay means I have stronger maternal instincts, that my inability to get pregnant with my current alpha means I must find another to ensure procreation?
Maybe it's because I feel like I'm the only person to have never used a hookup app. Or had No-Strings-Attached sex.
It seems absurd that I would feel a need to have sex with others, if my long term partner truly satisfies me. But he does satisfy me. He's not as sexually driven as I am and our love-making is most often initiated by me, but he's ready to play ball when I introduce new ideas or.. toys.. in bed. Nevertheless, the itch is there. I HATE making my husbear feel inadequate and I know that's how this whole thing makes him feel. He truly is amazing.

[MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION]
Thank you very much. I will not talk to my friend about it, without asking my husbear's permission to do so. I can understand if this feels emasculating to him and I am content with having discussed it with him. I will share it with my friend if he gives his explicit consent.
I suppose I would enjoy a 3-way with my BF, but he and I desire very different types, so that would be difficult. Additionally, I don't think he'd be comfortable with it, at all. I believe he has stated that he would not be able to bear the sight of somebody touching me sexually.
When my husbear talked about letting me go on sex trips to other countries, for weekends or holidays, he did that because he did not want to be made to feel that fool again, being cheated on, while everybody in his circle of friends are aware of it. He has a lot of friends in Copenhagen and I know some of them too. Copenhagen is not that big and gay Copenhagen is even smaller, so the odds of me bumping into somebody who knows somebody are rather high, I suppose. That is why he did not like the idea of me hooking up in Copenhagen. Now, I don't know what hooking up really entails - I have never tried it - but he seemed to think that I'd go meet my meat for a cup of coffee or whatever at a cafe or restaurant. That was never my plan. I don't want to date other men, at all. Maybe that changes things, but I didn't push the matter. Frankly, I was stunned that he suggested I go on sex trips (to bathhouses and stuff..), so I couldn't contribute much to the discussion after that.
As I understand it, the concept of open relationships is malleable. We would establish a set of rules and compromises that we could both accept. To me, our relationship would be defined as open as soon as either of us get off with somebody else, be it on sex trips, threesomes or random hookups in town.
And yes, I thought a lot about [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] when I made this post. I'm waiting for him to come a long and say "Ha, I told you so.".

[MENTION=21405]meridannight[/MENTION]
Thanks for the input. What you're describing fits how I'm feeling too, but I'm convinced my husbear does not feel the same way. He appears to be entirely content with just me. I would let him throw the first stone, if that would make him more comfortable with the idea of my sexcapades.
I genuinely appreciate the input, but I believe it to be equally naïve to assume that your assumptions apply to every man ever born. People are different, in colour, shape, size, sexuality and everything else imaginable.
I will, however, concede that the monogamous norm of our western society appears to fail more often than not, going by the divorce rate. According to wiki the danish %divorce:marriage is 46.

[MENTION=23954]Gemini[/MENTION]
Thank you for bringing another angle to the discussion Gemini. I have already thought about this and I believe I would be ok with it. In fact I might even like it. I believe I wrote this somewhere in one of the replies to the other people above, but my husbear does not appear to be interested in fucking around.
A couple of years ago I had a nightmare in which my husbear cheated on me with a very lean olympic medalist archer, which hurt me deeply, even after I woke up. I was angry with him all day, which was amusing at the same time. So maybe I'm not as OK with it as I think I am.

[MENTION=18997]matty7[/MENTION]
Thanks for the tip, but I'm afraid that doesn't stop the itch. This goes deeper than that. I have tried.

[MENTION=1766]princealbertofb[/MENTION]
Thank you. It was not an easy conversation to initiate. What makes you say that he should be more flexible about sex at his age?
I have put things into words by making this post, which I showed to him. The diary is a great idea, although I'm not sure how to make it work logistically. Also, I have some childhood mental trauma linked to naughty secrets kept in writing on paper being found and viewed by unintended readers, so the idea immediatly hit me negatively.
This: " I think once you start doing this casual sex, you might start thinking that it isn't what you are looking for." is exactly what I'm leaning towards. My husbear's concern is that I'll find that those random encounters turned out to be better lovers than him and that I would thus prefer them, over him (he voiced this concern sometime today). Which is just absurd. I can't stress this enough, he is absolutely amazing and an A-list bear. In the countless hours of bear porn I have watched, I have never come across one as attractive as him. I mean, sure, Jack Radcliffe comes close, but can he even cook?
He rarely uses porn. If I'm gone for a week he'll get off maybe once. I would consider that as just not being very sexual.