Im not sure if its ok to get a girlfriend

[Dan1980]

I guess Im happy enough, I plan on moving in 8 or so months, out to Arizona in the white mountains. My dream is to build a little adobe hut and spending the rest of my life shooting with nobody to bother me, I figure on being alone. As far as pretending Im someone Im not, Ive been doing it a while I couldnt even admit who I was while I was having my first fling with another man, I was sort of ashamed like it was my little peccadillo thats why I broke it off.

It's good that your following your dreams. No one should ever be alone, I am not just talking about having a partner but people need people around them. If you ever want to chat send me a PM.

[meridannight]

I live in the deep south, I was in the Army and Im a combat veteran of Iraq and so are most of my friends and its a very macho environment, Im an avid shooter and gun collector, Im a practicing Catholic, I drive an old truck, and Im a dyed in the wool republican. Basically all signs point to straight. I think people have this image of me that is definitely not gay.

Different people have a slightly different understanding of what gay means. To some, it's not just who you desire sexually, it's a whole personality, taste, and behavior. It is not a true perception, because being gay means that a man likes other men, and the rest can go whichever way as for any other random man in the population.

Being gay does not mean a man has a certain personality, walks a certain way, talks a certain way, and likes some certain things. It's unfortunate people still cling to such idiotic preconceptions. The fact that they do, however, does not change who you are, and you shouldn't let that get to you so much.

Can't say that I get it, though. I've known about myself since day one, been happy that I like men from day one, and could never care for other people's opinion much less let it influence my actions. But my point is, you can be who you are and live a genuine life without lies like a pretend girlfriend. A man your age does not have to be in a relationship. In fact, many guys your age enjoy bachelorhood. So your friends think it's weird you don't have a girlfriend? They can mind their own business, and you're within right to tell them so. Since when do you need their approval and permission on how to conduct your life? Maybe it's not so much the fact that you don't have a girlfriend, but the fact that your friends don't see you hooking up with (i.e. banging) chicks? That's problematic on its own, if your friends are the types to publicly discuss and brag. But even so, you don't have to start lying about it. You can tell them you're not interested or you're dealing with other things, and that should be enough. If they try to push something on you beyond that, I gotta tell you, you're not in a good company to begin with, homophobia aside.

I plan on moving in 8 or so months, out to Arizona in the white mountains. My dream is to build a little adobe hut and spending the rest of my life shooting with nobody to bother me, I figure on being alone.

You think that now. After a while, after having spent years alone, it starts to grind on a man. And there will be no-one else to fill that void but another man. You can't do it without becoming hopelessly lost and miserable. It's not worth it.

I may not be that far along in life, but when I was in my 20s I also thought I'd be alone and wouldn't need anybody in my life (for entirely different reasons, but the point is the same). It hit me in late 20s and now in my early 30s just how much I want and need to be with other men. There is a learning curve, so to say, to this, I've found out. When you're young you think one thing, and as you get more experience you learn to prove your younger self wrong.


I hope you can figure something out. And yeah, if you need to talk, I'll listen, though my experience and approach may be different.

[Cridders88]

In answer to your question, NO, it is certainly not OK to get a girlfriend. Unless, of course, you found someone who was willing to pose as your girlfriend, who actually knew the truth. But to deceive someone, not be able to give them all of you, allow them to fall for you when you can never truly, genuinely love them in return? No-one deserves to be subjected to that just so you can cover your sexuality.

[Doc]

I really appreciate everyone's opinions I guess you guys are right,.

[MikeW]

I live in the deep south, I was in the Army and Im a combat veteran of Iraq and so are most of my friends and its a very macho environment, Im an avid shooter and gun collector, Im a practicing Catholic, I drive an old truck, and Im a dyed in the wool republican. Basically all signs point to straight. I think people have this image of me that is definitely not gay. More or less Im in a very right wing conservative environment and I know that I would not be well received, if that makes sense.

You're the kind of gay man who SHOULD come out, precisely because you break most of the stereotypes a lot of straight people have about what gay men are "like". Given you are such a macho fucker, why the hell do you even CARE what *anyone* else thinks? It is a serious question. You don't think of yourself as a coward, do you? A man has a right to be whoever he is and if anyone else has a problem with it, that's their problem.

And BTW, I know several gay men like you. In fact, there is a whole 'genre' of gay men who live that kind of "macho" lifestyle (and many of them are or have been in the military).

I'm not that "macho" myself, but neither am I at all effeminate. Many straight men are surprised to learn I'm gay. I don't go around broadcasting the fact. Not because I'm ashamed of being gay, it's just that there needs to be some reason for me to tell them. If I'm becoming friends with a straight man, for example, I put it out there because I'll be damned if I'm going to keep that fact hidden. If they can't live with it, then we can't be friends. Otherwise, it isn't anyone's business what I do or with whom I do it.

[Doc]

You really lay it out MikeW hard truth, Maybe when I move I'll come out in my new community, seems easiers if that would be the only way everybody knew me.

[Cridders88]

You really lay it out MikeW hard truth, Maybe when I move I'll come out in my new community, seems easiers if that would be the only way everybody knew me.

That sounds like a much better plan than your original two suggestions, and you would be a lot happier for it, I bet

[Insertnamehere]

I understand being closeted (I am myself) and all the reasons why you are. You get absolutely no judgement for that on my part.

But, let me tell you one thing.

Far too often in this forum we get the story of the 40-50 year old man/woman who just can't take it anymore, can't hide it in because it has become unbareable. Turns out, though, that earlier, in order to build a facade, he/she married, he/she had children. Care to guess how messy that situation becomes? Care to guess how miserable a life he/she lead? Care to guess what happens to the other party who was pretty much deceived for years?

Don't do that. Just don't. No person deserves to be lured into a lie on account of you.

The thing is, first, that you would be involving someone else into this mess who is not responsible for anything, someone who sooner or later will be hurt by you because of it. And that hurt will have multiple aspects. "he lied to me", "he is leaving me", etc.

The second aspect is that you won't be able to keep the facade going on forever. It will being to erode you, you will feel like shit. Eventually it WILL explode in your face and things will be worse.

Again, I'm not saying that you should blatanly come out right where you are, because as you say, the environment that sorrounds you is not the friendliest. But don't give into this pressure.

Quite frankly, straight, gay or bi no one should have a say in the amount of dating you do or don't do. Even if you were straight and for some reason you don't date, people don't get a say in that. My sister is straight and she doesn't get into relationships because she enjoys her freedom and her career way too much.

I would agree with you in your later idea. Moving out to this new place and starting from scratch so to speak is better. Even when this happens, not everyone needs to know. The people back at Georgia don't need to know either. Be smart about it.

All the best to you man. You sound kick ass and I'm pretty sure you can find your bit of happiness.

[Doc]

Im not against the idea of having a companion man or woman, it doesnt need to be a sexual thing. look at Gus and Woodrow in Lonesome Dove They were companions and they were just friends, its fictional but still. My only real problem with women is that they are too damn smart

[Darius]

Hi Doc, I know you are in a tough spot in you part of the country. But you are not alone. There all plenty of horny, southern boys jacking off to gay porn with soldiers and cowboys in it. You just have to find them.