Im not sure if its ok to get a girlfriend

[Camfer]

Why not go to Club One and meet a girl there? The night is young!

[Doc]

Haha Camfer me and two of my buddies went there on Saint Patrick's day and I swear all of the guys in there looked like triads I felt like I was in a Rush Hour Movie so we split.

[meridannight]

2. a) My love with my friend was more like a brotherly love, you've never had a friend that you really loved?

I connect with men very strongly. What I feel for them is intense and deep. And yes, of course I also love my friends in a way. Even so, with all that intensity I feel for men, I can't say that I have been in love with any of my friends. I care about my friends, but no, I have not been in love with them. In love, I've only been with guys from whom I want more intimate things that friendship.

It does not mean I can't be in love and settle for friendship if the guy is straight/unavailable, and I have done it. But ideally I'd still want more from such guys.

The feelings you described for your friend, that's is more than friendship.

b) Do that many heterosexual men have sex with other men? Im really curious I never heard that before.

I may have exaggerated on that one. Point was, a lot more than just the homosexual population would be considered homosexual in that case. I should have worded myself more correctly.

No-one's ever done any studies that weren't biased in one way or another (the most famous study on it, that of Kinsey's, was biased).

3. You've got me on this one. Maybe I do have some sugar in my tank, and I know I can be a little prissy sometimes. But how can I get in touch with myself when the only one I can truly talk to without word possibly getting out is my dog.

I don't think you need another person to get in touch with yourself. You need to be able to do self-reflection and think about why it is you want the things you do, and who you are as a person. That usually means you need to be able to put yourself into different contexts and be able to analyze your own motivations and behavior.

[Doc]

Listen Im not saying Im 100% sure about who I am either way we go. What I am saying is that for the most part I really like being with a woman with the exception of the sex which is tolerable.

I like the idea of having a wife and a little house and children and I could go to work my wife could take care of my house. Around the holidays we could do stupid stuff like all families do such as taking your children to the pumpkin patch. And people would say what a beautiful couple we make. Its normal, its acceptable, and its what people expect. Haven't any of you guys ever wanted that?

The same way that little girls imagine their weddings, when I was a kid this is how I thought it would be for me. Maybe I am gay or gayish but I just want what everybody else has. Can you guys see where Im coming from? I may have some personal issues regarding how I identify myself, but I have alot of other issues too. I have a violent streak and a bad temper, I dont like being touched in public. I dont even know how to cry, not since I was real little. I dont even talk about my feelings, Ive written stuff here that I would never talk about with anybody.

All Im saying is that my orientation may be the least of my issues, and if I had somebody like a girlfriend just to talk to about some of this stuff I'd feel alot better, that to me would be more fulfilling than any man that Ive ever known.

And this is the last thing about this, in many places homosexuality is still seen as a weakness and I hate more than anything else to be seen as weak or soft that why I dont let people hug me in public it makes me look soft. I spent my childhood getting into fist fights with everybody just so they would think I was a tough kid, I dont want to throw all that away know. You know gays are tough and so do I, alot of ancient warriors were gay we know this. But alot of people still see just see a weak faggot, its a shame but it is what it is.

I just want you guys to see where Im coming from.

[Insertnamehere]

Listen Im not saying Im 100% sure about who I am either way we go. What I am saying is that for the most part I really like being with a woman with the exception of the sex which is tolerable.

I like the idea of having a wife and a little house and children and I could go to work my wife could take care of my house. Around the holidays we could do stupid stuff like all families do such as taking your children to the pumpkin patch. And people would say what a beautiful couple we make. Its normal, its acceptable, and its what people expect. Haven't any of you guys ever wanted that?

This is all very much ok and you CAN go ahead with that if you want. The part where you plan to still sleep around with men is not ok. You can't have both things and remain a decent person.

Change for a second your sexuality to fully straight and change these potential men with potential women. Do you think it's ok for a man to cheat on his wife, sleep around, damage his family like that?

Why would it be ok for you to do it just because you want sex with men? You can't have it all.

If you're engaging in a relationship of any kind the only way for you to get what you want is to be honest with the woman and see if she can agree with such an arrangement.

Otherwise, you're indulging in deception and that will turn to damage for both you and her and gawd forbid, your children if there are any.

You will turn yourself into a world class asshole and there is already so many of those in the world.

Man, you don't strike me as one. You strike me as troubled, something that many of us are when it comes to dealing with our non-standard sexuality. Don't let the weight of those troubles turn you into something you are not meant to be.

[Doc]

Insertnamehere I am talking about a monogamous relationship, and it would be hard to find a girl who would come to that other arrangement. No good Catholic girl is going to let a man cheat on her on the side, much less with a man.

[Darius]

What insertnamehere said!

I understand completely what you said about wanting what you consider a normal life.
Do you think you can commit to a woman faithfully and forget about gay sex? If you think it's confusing and painful now, imagine how it would be when life got fucked up because you cheated or when she found out you were watching gay porn all the time. When you love someone, you have to be honest with them.
From your last post here, you are right about having so many issue to work through. You have my compassion and understanding. Now give us all a big hug. Haha

[Camfer]

Doc, a lot of the fight for gay rights in the US has been exactly about what you describe. It's couples who just want to have kids, own a house, celebrate holidays, have the same inheritance rights and hospital visitation rights as any other married couple. Honestly I think you could have that with a man easier than with a woman, because a man could probably share more of your interests inside and outside of the bedroom. Going into a relationship knowing that the sex will never be more than tolerable just sounds so unrealistic.

Have you considered counseling? It sounds like there is a lot under the surface with you that you really want to resolve. With the right therapist I bet an hour's talk session would go by in a flash for you. It appears you've put up a huge amount of walls around yourself to try to suppress aspects of who you are, and then you end up being short-tempered, violent, touch-deprived, unable to cry, and having a secret sexuality. It sounds like you need to talk through a lot of stuff and don't feel you can do that with a friend, so a counselor might be exactly what you need right now.

Your situation is not all that uncommon. It is not hopeless. I think you are looking for an authentic life for yourself, but you internalized a lot of societal pressures/norms that upon investigation you might find don't really work for you. You were smart enough to come on here and get some feedback. So keep at it and see what you can do to work through it all.

[Darius]

The question is not whether you are gay or bi, but whether you will be honest about it. Having sex with a woman does not mean you are straight and having sex with a guy doesn't necessarily mean you are gay. But you owe it to yourself and any future relationships to know yourself, then to accept yourself.

You said the sex with women was ok. Was the sex with guys only ok, too?

You see being gay as a shameful thing, but we are trying to show you that lying to a girl just so you can appear normal and not lose face with your friends and family and even strangers is the real shame.

If all the external judgments you feel would come from others was removed from the picture and you were free to be yourself, what and who would you choose?

[Doc]

Going into a relationship knowing that the sex will never be more than tolerable just sounds so unrealistic.
.

I know alot of married women that might disagree with you mile:

Anyway Im going out to meet a girl today, my friend and his wife are having this thing and they already told her I was coming. So I need to at least show her a good time.