Back...in the swing

[deephiance]

So Ok, I am back.

Regrets? Definately not.

I originally joined GS about 5-6 years ago to be a friend as I was happy and confident in who I am, things were ok back then.

about 3 years ago a lot of things were going wrong and I seemed to be taking hit after hit and my perception of the world and the people around me largely became distorted. This is the symptom of not only someone spiralling into depression, but someone denying the fact that they are spiralling in to depression.

I was angry, I was hateful, I was misunderstood and that made me angrier.

18 months ago I hit rock bottom, I simply stopped functioning all together. I was looking at a page of numbers at work and I just could not understand a thing on the page, everything that happened around that time and over the next 2 months are a bit of a blur. I had a breakdown.

It has been a long 18 months and it is only recently that I have ceased all medication and I actually sleep 8 hours a night as opposed to sleeping an hour here and there.

Am I going to apologise for my behaviour? not a chance in hell. This spiral into depression only reassured me that it is OK not to trust anyone.

Let me explain. People reported me, complained, thought I was nothing but a cunt....very very few cared enough to say 'Are you OK'...would it have changed anything? No, I was headed down that road anyway, but the landing on rock bottom would have been softer.

BUT I stand dfiantly not caring how I was misunderstood back then, not just here, but by the people around me at work and trust me, I have told them this exact same thing. You need to ask people who are acting irrationally compared to what is normal behaviour for them 'Are you OK', and keep asking them.

I came back because my second nature is to care and support, that was who I am, that IS who I am.

Life is simple, don't let stereotypes bog you down, you are who you are and if you need help, ask for help...if you can't ask for help then I am one that will be there falling down that prick of a hole throwing cushions on rock bottom.

It's a cunt of a ride.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well we're glad to have you back... I think what matters is that you are here today.

I have had a few run ins with depression and I have for the most part forgone any medication. I really hate pills, I don't even like taking aspirin for headaches (and so I am suffer from a long on going headache).

It is for sure that it is not always easy to have a positive outlook on things. All the crap going on in the world and so on... Certainly and dwell on regret, things in the past, although that is easier said than done. I do regret things, or not doing other things but no matter how much I hate not having done something or that I did something, doesn't change the now. So at any rate I have to deal with what I got. The future is unknown, might be a good future, might be a bad future...then much of the things that will go on my life will very much be beyond my control. For instance, there is the looming possibility a large asteroid will crash into Earth, not much I can do about that...unless I invent a space ship or something.

[Meebs]

Welcome back

[Gemini]

So I'm an EMT, a first responder, and I can't count how many times I've heard people say, "I knew there was something wrong, but I didn't want to say anything." "I felt it wasn't my place to say anything."

Suicides. ODs. Sudden, unexplained violent outbursts. And I hear,"I knew there was something going on, but I didn't want to intrude."

You're so right, ask, "Are you OK?" Like you said, keep asking. Sometimes you need to push it a bit - "I know there's something wrong, and I'm not going away until you talk to me."

I have a big, noisy, intrusive family, and I realize how valuable that is. If I start to unravel, there are going to be people asking. Even if it's my brother with his, "WTF dude? Spill."

I have no personal experience with depression, only what I've seen in others around me, but based on that I'm really glad that it sounds like you've tunneled through and emerged.

[artyboy]

Welcome back, hmmm I know how depression feels.

Big hugs, your not alone while on here.

[deephiance]

Well we're glad to have you back... I think what matters is that you are here today.

I have had a few run ins with depression and I have for the most part forgone any medication. I really hate pills, I don't even like taking aspirin for headaches (and so I am suffer from a long on going headache).

It is for sure that it is not always easy to have a positive outlook on things. All the crap going on in the world and so on... Certainly and dwell on regret, things in the past, although that is easier said than done. I do regret things, or not doing other things but no matter how much I hate not having done something or that I did something, doesn't change the now. So at any rate I have to deal with what I got. The future is unknown, might be a good future, might be a bad future...then much of the things that will go on my life will very much be beyond my control. For instance, there is the looming possibility a large asteroid will crash into Earth, not much I can do about that...unless I invent a space ship or something.

I understand your thinking 100%, avoiding medications like they are the plague as I am the same....BUT sometimes you get to the point (and hopefully like me) where you have a brilliant doctor and you put your faith in him.

There is always going to be side effects which include withdrawal and rebound, but when I look back, the side effects were so minor compared to where I would e if I sought no treatment.

[InbetweenDreams]

I understand your thinking 100%, avoiding medications like they are the plague as I am the same....BUT sometimes you get to the point (and hopefully like me) where you have a brilliant doctor and you put your faith in him.

There is always going to be side effects which include withdrawal and rebound, but when I look back, the side effects were so minor compared to where I would e if I sought no treatment.

Well in my case I wound up with a therapist. I might consider going back at some point. Right now I guess I need to rule out any other medical issues...

My problem here recently might be a developing caffeine sensitivity but also anxiety with occasional depression. Usually does start ramping up this time of year... I don't know that it is Seasonal Affect Disorder per say, I think it is just not having much to do with my free time when I am off and maybe ought to take a vitamin D supplement.

Anxiety... Well in 2014 I had a nasty panic attack, also the first one I ever had, thought I was dying, went to the ER.. Checked my heart and all that stuff, nothing wrong. So they slapped with a Generalized Anxiety Disorder (aka. we don't know why you're freaking out dude). Tried a few medications, either had no effect or caused me to vomit and puke... Lorazapam, which is a benzodiapene did work but they didn't want me to stay on it and I understand why. It was fast acting and did actually relax me with a very small dose. like 0.5 mg or something. Then they tried Zoloft, which turned me into, lets just say a Vulcan, if you watch star trek. It just killed my motivation and wasn't really happy or sad.

Not sure if there's something that can help mute the negative emotions and anxiety but still so I can actually feel that I enjoy things. Also would be nice to still have a sex life (although I guess might as well not worry about that as I will probably be single for some time)... Anyway, after I became pretty much dead against medication, started talking to a therapist and that seemed to help after some time. I stopped seeing her because of my job, yeah the old job I had basically prevented me from seeing a therapist. So That was pretty much it.

Anyway, now my underarms sweat a lot, doesn't matter if it is hot or cold in the room, sweat anyway. But... I don't sweat when I'm asleep, and the sweating usually stops after I get out of work... So I think either it is a caffeine issue or I am somehow more stressed than I think...and right now I wouldn't really classify my job being all that stressful right now, but maybe I am conditioned to it and don't realize it? I don't know. I also have a hard time trying to avoid coffee long enough to see whether that is the issue... You'd think being able to quit smoking for over 2 years, coffee wouldn't be a big deal lol

Anyway, that my quick short story... I didn't feel the need to go in about my depression or anything... I think I have made a thread about all that as well so no need to hijack your thread with all my baggage lol

[TwisttheLeaf]

I don't remember your first go-round. It's possible it was before my time. I'm glad you sought treatment, and found your balance. Welcome back.

[deephiance]

I don't remember your first go-round. It's possible it was before my time. I'm glad you sought treatment, and found your balance. Welcome back.

we would have missed each other by mere days given your join date....and a nice date you have there Smile

[deephiance]

Well in my case I wound up with a therapist. I might consider going back at some point. Right now I guess I need to rule out any other medical issues...

My problem here recently might be a developing caffeine sensitivity but also anxiety with occasional depression. Usually does start ramping up this time of year... I don't know that it is Seasonal Affect Disorder per say, I think it is just not having much to do with my free time when I am off and maybe ought to take a vitamin D supplement.

Anxiety... Well in 2014 I had a nasty panic attack, also the first one I ever had, thought I was dying, went to the ER.. Checked my heart and all that stuff, nothing wrong. So they slapped with a Generalized Anxiety Disorder (aka. we don't know why you're freaking out dude). Tried a few medications, either had no effect or caused me to vomit and puke... Lorazapam, which is a benzodiapene did work but they didn't want me to stay on it and I understand why. It was fast acting and did actually relax me with a very small dose. like 0.5 mg or something. Then they tried Zoloft, which turned me into, lets just say a Vulcan, if you watch star trek. It just killed my motivation and wasn't really happy or sad.

Not sure if there's something that can help mute the negative emotions and anxiety but still so I can actually feel that I enjoy things. Also would be nice to still have a sex life (although I guess might as well not worry about that as I will probably be single for some time)... Anyway, after I became pretty much dead against medication, started talking to a therapist and that seemed to help after some time. I stopped seeing her because of my job, yeah the old job I had basically prevented me from seeing a therapist. So That was pretty much it.

Anyway, now my underarms sweat a lot, doesn't matter if it is hot or cold in the room, sweat anyway. But... I don't sweat when I'm asleep, and the sweating usually stops after I get out of work... So I think either it is a caffeine issue or I am somehow more stressed than I think...and right now I wouldn't really classify my job being all that stressful right now, but maybe I am conditioned to it and don't realize it? I don't know. I also have a hard time trying to avoid coffee long enough to see whether that is the issue... You'd think being able to quit smoking for over 2 years, coffee wouldn't be a big deal lol

Anyway, that my quick short story... I didn't feel the need to go in about my depression or anything... I think I have made a thread about all that as well so no need to hijack your thread with all my baggage lol

This is what I learned...I also suffered from anxiety pretty badly which exacerbated my insomnia, here is a break down of what went wrong.

1) Was have a full time job, often worked 60+ hours a week.
2) I was studying Horticulture as I didn't finish my studies in my youth and that took 2-3 hours of my day.
3) I was trying to establish my hobby of fishing rod crafting, repairs and refurbishments and that was consuming 40 hours a week in a quiet week.
4) I am our family's historian, something I have been doing for 35 years, so I was spending and hour or 2 a day researching family, locations and historically significant events that involved my family, or occurred around my family.
5) I had quit smoking cold turkey after 33 years of smoking 30 cigs a day.
6) I was drinking 10-15 cups of coffee a day.

As a result of all this, I was sleeping less than 2 hours a day. The catalyst to my downfall was I was at the end of a 17 hour shift at work (Midnight to 5pm), when I was threatened by a group of males with various weapons including a baseball bat.

I literally shut down and could not function, I couldn't recognise things that you instinctively recognise...like looking at your watch and without a thought recognising the time....I couldn't do that, my watch confused me.

Added to the fact that I was old school when it came to depression...toughen the fuck up is the Aussie way, which is not always a good thing.

I could probably add another 10 things to this list, but most of those are private matters and still a progress in work.

2 things I learned :-
1) Who my friends where
2) When you walk into a room ask yourself 'Do I like these people' rather than wonder 'Do these people like me'...If you don't like people in your life but you are clinging on to them for what ever reason, you are doing yourself a massive disservice....family and friends alike, if you don't like them, fuck them off.