Overcoming past feelings and not settling for the 'next man up'

[pman117]

Hey fellas, I've got a bit of an issue that I've probably already got the solution for but I wanted to see if any of you guys have been through a similar scenario and see how you got through it. There's several different things going on here so feel free to pick one or all to comment on (or none haha)!

Long story short, I believe I fell hard in love with a guy that didn't feel the same way. We talked about being more than friends but he was "never ready" and then all of a sudden he ran off with an ex from several years ago and hasn't spoken to me in over a month which I know isn't that long and I probably will never hear from him either.

Anyway, I met another guy that I kind of like. We've hung out a couple times but I had a really terrible thing happen when I left after the last time we got together. We went to lunch, watched a movie and made out. Honestly it was probably too soon for me to do anything intimate and I've since realized that. The issue is after I left I got that heart sinking, pit in your stomach feeling and started thinking, "Why couldn't that have been the other guy" which is miserable. Especially since me and this new guy had a good time. This is the first time I got that feeling and I contribute it solely to the cuddling and making out. Other times we hung out I had no "flashbacks" or bad feelings afterwards. It is definitely nice to have someone want to spend time with me that's for sure. I feel that I've been ready to be in a relationship with one guy for so long that I'm going to settle or take the next available and I know that won't end well.

The obvious answer is I'm not ready to be intimate with someone else and that it's too soon to try and be anything more than just friends with anyone. It's extremely unfair to both of us. I guess my question is: is the only "cure" for getting over someone and then getting comfortable being in a potential relationship again the cliche answer of time? I've read several other posts on here about getting over someone and all that which has helped a bit. But if I keep thinking about someone else or go from having a good time to being sad/depressed after even the most basic forms of intimacy, then I obviously can't keep going.

In another light, what's the best way to tell this guy that I'm not ready. That I'm just looking for a few more friends without sounding like I'm not interested but also not leading him on? Is 100% transparency/honesty the best way to go in this? I don't want him to think I'm holding on to someone else or anything...

Thanks guys and Happy Thanksgiving (for those in the States)!

[pman117]

you never mentioned how long your old boy friend broke up with his X. or how long you dated this old boy friend. If someone left me for his X i would never even a tiny bit consider getting back together with him.

I honestly don't know if we were dating at all. Maybe a month or two before his ex realized how close we were getting and made his move. It had been 4 years since this guy and his ex broke up (and it was a very violent breakup where the ex was cheating which is another reason to forget this guy I know). I know that sounds crazy that Id have such strong feelings in such a short time. And I'm not considering getting back with him, even if he asked. He lied to me about a lot of things and I'm pretty sure he's more of a charmer than anything. Promised a lot then showed no remorse on just running away without any explanation at all. Any guy who can be cheated on and tossed aside, then run back to the same guy years later is only destined to get hurt again. Not the guy I need or want to be with. Which is why it's so weird that I can't get rid of those feelings.

could be you fall in love too fast.
Be open with the new guy and sound confidant what you are doing because well you are that way right?

It could be that for sure. I honestly wouldn't say I'm dating the new guy by any stretch. And I don't feel as strongly for him as I did towards the other guy but it's early.

[meridannight]

Yes, I'd say that to get over a guy, it needs time. That or falling for another guy also helps, but you can't just make that happen at will.

Just talk to him honestly and don't disappear on him because of this. People who need to take some time off can still keep in touch. And if you're interested that's a way to go about it. And ask him how he thinks you two should go about it. Don't make it such a one-sided decision. Involve him. If you're both interested, you should both have a say.

[pman117]

falling for another guy also helps, but you can't just make that happen at will.

Just talk to him honestly and don't disappear on him because of this. People who need to take some time off can still keep in touch. And if you're interested that's a way to go about it. And ask him how he thinks you two should go about it. Don't make it such a one-sided decision. Involve him. If you're both interested, you should both have a say.

I absolutely aware that I cannot force myself into liking another guy, that is definitely clear to me. I just hope that my feelings for another guy that essentially broke my heart and I have no hope or, to be honest, no business being with anyway doesn't cause me to ruin things from the start and keep me from establishing other great frienships/relationships.

Anyway, I did talk to him. We were talking about if we had dated others before and that's when I decided to tell him what I was going through. Unfortunately, the mood immediately changed, he quickly got up and walked out of the room for a minute or two then in no uncertain terms said it was time for me to go. We had planned on going Black Friday shopping and were hanging out beforehand but...clearly the conversation changed his mind on going with me. I did ask him what he was looking for and he said he was looking for a relationship so I'm sure me saying "I'm just not sure I'm ready" after we had been sort of intimate was pretty jarring to say the least. I was equally surprised at him telling me I should go. I understand why, but it was not an outcome I had planned for.

That was Thursday, I haven't heard from him and haven't tried reaching out. I wanted to give him a little space to process everything. Before I left I did ask when he was free next (Sunday) and if he'd be ok doing dinner which he said he would so hopefully we can get together and I can ask him more about his feelings and his take on all this and smooth things out. I do feel guilty and I have been thinking of him since my "confession" and I do like him so hopefully things work out and I didn't F things up by jumping the gun too soon.

Thanks for the comments as always guys. It's always appreciated!

[pman117]

As an update, we had a quick lunch on this past Sunday. It was pretty awkward, he didn't say much unless I actively asked him a question. I did ask him how he felt about the previous conversation and he said he "still didn't know how to react or respond." Which is fair. His main point was he didn't understand why I "pursued" him so much if I wasn't ready (I actually felt he pursued me since he was the one that said let's cuddle and initiated the make out session but that's not important). I told him I didn't plan on having feelings for someone else creep back in and if I had known that would happen I would not have done those things with him. I explained that I didn't want to lead him on and waste his time but that I also didn't want to close any doors (which I understand puts both us in limbo) and I didn't expect him to wait on me.

As we were leaving he asked what was next and I said that I still wanted to hang out, do stuff together and see where things went. That I just needed a little time to figure out what I want and what I can or cannot handle at this point. He seemed ok with it. We did text a bit later that night and I visited him at his restaurant yesterday which he later texted me saying "It was really good to see you " so hopefully things work out. I'm obviously still going through some personal struggles and I do want to give this guy a chance as I do like him.
I just need to stop letting a past "potential" relationship that cannot and will never happen affect my ability to make and enter into new ones!

Feelings suck sometimes lol.

[Lexington]

People aren't interchangeable. You're ready for a relationship (and to go to bed) with this one guy who got back with his ex...but that doesn't mean you're ready for a relationship (or to go to bed) with this other guy, or anybody else.

As far as I'm concerned, you HAVE given this guy a chance. You went out with him a few times, and you even made out with him. And you're still in the "well, you're nice and all, but..." realm. Personally, I'd say that would be that.

Lex

[pman117]

As far as I'm concerned, you HAVE given this guy a chance. You went out with him a few times, and you even made out with him. And you're still in the "well, you're nice and all, but..." realm. Personally, I'd say that would be that.

Thanks Lex, I much appreciate your input. That's kinds what I was thinking, just needed someone else to sort of affirm it i guess. I definitely don't feel the same way about him as I did about the first guy I wanted to be with. I enjoy hanging out with him but I definitely don't feel a "desire" to be with him or anything if that makes sense. The biggest thing about this situation I think is that I'm finding it really enjoyable that someone actually thinks I'm attractive, wants to spend time with me and so on and then is willing to act on it as well. Kinda helps in the self esteem department yea? Especially after hearing that from one guy and then finding out that it might've all been a lie. But I know that's a slippery slope if I don't feel the same way or at least to the same extent.

The ironic thing is that I think I'm in the same situation I was in with the new guy except the roles are reversed. This time it's me that's not ready for a relationship and it's him who's enamored with me and wants to be more. Life is quite surreal sometimes and damn does mine suck right now. UGH!

[Shawn]

Hey fellas, I've got a bit of an issue that I've probably already got the solution for but I wanted to see if any of you guys have been through a similar scenario and see how you got through it. There's several different things going on here so feel free to pick one or all to comment on (or none haha)!

Long story short, I believe I fell hard in love with a guy that didn't feel the same way. We talked about being more than friends but he was "never ready" and then all of a sudden he ran off with an ex from several years ago and hasn't spoken to me in over a month which I know isn't that long and I probably will never hear from him either.

Anyway, I met another guy that I kind of like. We've hung out a couple times but I had a really terrible thing happen when I left after the last time we got together. We went to lunch, watched a movie and made out. Honestly it was probably too soon for me to do anything intimate and I've since realized that. The issue is after I left I got that heart sinking, pit in your stomach feeling and started thinking, "Why couldn't that have been the other guy" which is miserable. Especially since me and this new guy had a good time. This is the first time I got that feeling and I contribute it solely to the cuddling and making out. Other times we hung out I had no "flashbacks" or bad feelings afterwards. It is definitely nice to have someone want to spend time with me that's for sure. I feel that I've been ready to be in a relationship with one guy for so long that I'm going to settle or take the next available and I know that won't end well.

The obvious answer is I'm not ready to be intimate with someone else and that it's too soon to try and be anything more than just friends with anyone. It's extremely unfair to both of us. I guess my question is: is the only "cure" for getting over someone and then getting comfortable being in a potential relationship again the cliche answer of time? I've read several other posts on here about getting over someone and all that which has helped a bit. But if I keep thinking about someone else or go from having a good time to being sad/depressed after even the most basic forms of intimacy, then I obviously can't keep going.

In another light, what's the best way to tell this guy that I'm not ready. That I'm just looking for a few more friends without sounding like I'm not interested but also not leading him on? Is 100% transparency/honesty the best way to go in this? I don't want him to think I'm holding on to someone else or anything...

Thanks guys and Happy Thanksgiving (for those in the States)!

We Celebrate the thanksgiving holiday in Panamá too... so thank you.

Ok. I was trough something very similar in the last year and I get depressed by that. I think that I hadn't explain exactly what happened in any post, but I'm gonna give you a short version of it, so you will get straight to the helping answer more than the sadness story. lol

I ended any posibility with my ex so I decided to met someone new, but I didn't wanted to have any relationship, just have fun... in certain moment, I fell in-love with this new dude but he decided to go to another country for studying, so I get sad... I tried to met someone a few months later but when I was with him I just kept thinking in the other dude. we had a crash in his car meanwhile we was on a beach traveling and he didn't say sorry for that so I stoped talking with him. my ex tried to have a relationship again with me but he get bored and stoped talking to me and I get upset so I didn't talked to him anymore.

that's the solution I found, stoping talking to people.