Had a successful date (I think!)

[Flyerboy95]

Hello all, haven't had chance to be very active on here lately, mainly due to the mountain of Uni assignments I've had to do. Anyway, I got talking to a guy on Tinder a few days ago, and to my surprise he didn't send or ask for a d**k pic within the first 5 minutes of chatting. He said he was looking for something long turn, which was refreshing to find. We chatted pretty much non-stop for a couple of days over Text, and soon realised we had a lot in common and both seemed to want the same things from a partner. I knew he was the type of person I wanted to date, but I was unsure if it was too soon to ask him.

Anyway to my complete surprise after speaking a couple of days over text he said he really liked what he knew about me so far and wanted to take me on a date! We went yesterday and met for coffee, it lasted about 2 and a half hours and he was everything I hoped for. He said just before we both had to run off that he knew about 5 minutes into the date that he wants to see me again, and we've arranged a date for next week as we're both busy with work this week and it's a hectic time around Christmas.

Anyway, this isn't a brag post, I actually just wanted to ask for some advice. We were texting after the date, and I somehow worked myself into a really low mood, which I have a habit if doing, of turning something good into a negative thing. Anyway, he picked up on it and assured me I don't have to second guess anything he says and that I was what he was hoping for. Is there anyway I can help to not do this? I don't think the date could have gone any better, yet I still find myself picking it apart, almost like I want to find something negative, and it's really bugging me.

The other thing is, as far as I know from what he's said, he has only recently came out about a year ago and hasn't had a relationship, which is I guess why I'm surprised he took the initiative to ask for a date, and then for a second one! He said he takes things slow but then seems to be moving quite quick, which is fine by me. I don't really even know what question I'm asking you all - I guess just general advice as to any areas I should be careful in not pushing him etc. I've noticed he doesn't really know how to take a compliment, so maybe I should stop telling him how lovely he is.

Just a quick edit to add something in actually - he knows a bit about my past relationship and the bad experience I had, mainly because he wanted to know why I have such little confidence and it is a result of a bad and abusive past relationship. He was really keen to know why I am the person I am today. He keeps saying I should be more confident, and that confidence is attractive, but I really struggle with confidence, which is why I probably question everything and turn positives into negatives. Is there anyway to gradually build confidence?

Anyway, that's enough for now. Thanks for any input, as always

[Cridders88]

Glad to hear you had a good date with someone new . That piece of advice of mine in the Are Things Moving Too Fast thread that you just liked, I could copy and paste it into here essentially. It is so easy to doubt a good thing, especially when you have had bad experiences in the past, and it is not easy to build that confidence to stop yourself doing that. It is not easy to trust someone either if you have been burned before. But, that is the only thing you can do, trust the guy unless he gives you a reason not to. Because if you don't, it won't work. At the same time, it's all very well him saying confidence is attractive (it is ), but he has got to give you time, and I am sure he will if he is a decent person. Good luck! And I hope things continue to go well. Because there is no reason to assume that they definitely won't you know

Oh and about the compliment thing, most people don't know how to take them, unless they are very confident and sure of themselves already. Doesn't mean you should stop giving him compliments, just don't overdo it

[InbetweenDreams]

Well sounds like he likes you, that would be my take. Yeah, don't get too carried away with things, it is easy to overthink things especially when things go well and against all odds. So try to relax, have a positive outlook and let dating be what it is supposed to be, get to know each other.

I myself have a hard time taking compliments, particularly about my looks, but from my perspective when I give compliments to someone else I've noticed several guys who I say are handsome are kind of like, "are you crazy?" Then again, there are guys who are hands down, undeniably handsome and they just don't see it. There's an old silly country song I heard when I was a kid (don't judge me) by Sammy Kershaw called "She Don't Know She's Beautiful" (you can replace the she with he lol).

Lack of self confidence stems from not loving yourself, that is important and in a lot of cases harder to do than it would seem. You have to own yourself basically, you have to accept yourself for the way you are, all of your faults and shortcomings and realize that everyone else has their own as well. There's only one of you and all of the things you might think are flaws might be everything to someone else. The one thing that remains true is if you have a bad outlook on things it is likely that more "bad" things will happen and even if good things happen you won't notice it.

At any rate I think you need to address the pink elephant in the room, your self confidence. Why do you lack it and how to attain it.

[Flyerboy95]

Glad to hear you had a good date with someone new . That piece of advice of mine in the Are Things Moving Too Fast thread that you just liked, I could copy and paste it into here essentially. It is so easy to doubt a good thing, especially when you have had bad experiences in the past, and it is not easy to build that confidence to stop yourself doing that. It is not easy to trust someone either if you have been burned before. But, that is the only thing you can do, trust the guy unless he gives you a reason not to. Because if you don't, it won't work. At the same time, it's all very well him saying confidence is attractive (it is ), but he has got to give you time, and I am sure he will if he is a decent person. Good luck! And I hope things continue to go well. Because there is no reason to assume that they definitely won't you know

That advice in the other thread was spot on, and you're right, applies in pretty much the same way to my situation, so thanks for the great advice . You're right, it's not easy to trust someone new, especially after a bad relationship were I was hurt pretty badly by somebody I thought I could trust. I am trying to leave that in the past now and move on from it, I don't particularly like bringing it up again, and have only done so at this new guy's request because he wanted to know about my past - not sure if that's good or bad. He has made a real effort to tell me that he won't treat me that way that my ex did and that he will only ever be honest and open with me, as he feels this is essential to a relationship working, so that was nice of him to say.

If you saw a thread by me about a month ago, where I went on a date with a guy which I thought went well and he said he wanted to see me again, and then never heard back from him and he would never commit to another date when I tried to arrange one, I think that's why I feel this is going to go the same way, despite the fact this guy has much more actively said he wants to see me again and has already got a definite date to see each other, I still just worry it's not going to work out. Which It might not, it's a risk, I guess I just work myself up over the unknown.

Another thing that is a big big problem here, is how low my self-esteem is. I don't consider myself a nice looking person, whereas this guy is really adorable. He said he thinks I'm handsome, but I struggle to believe it. I can never take a compliment, and if I don't stop questioning every single positive thing, I'm setting this up to fail before there's even anything there to go wrong, a self-fulfilling prophecy as I think you mentioned in the other thread. It's a bad habit I need to break free from, easier said than done of course.

[Flyerboy95]

@axle1252

Well sounds like he likes you, that would be my take. Yeah, don't get too carried away with things, it is easy to overthink things especially when things go well and against all odds. So try to relax, have a positive outlook and let dating be what it is supposed to be, get to know each other.

I myself have a hard time taking compliments, particularly about my looks, but from my perspective when I give compliments to someone else I've noticed several guys who I say are handsome are kind of like, "are you crazy?" Then again, there are guys who are hands down, undeniably handsome and they just don't see it. There's an old silly country song I heard when I was a kid (don't judge me) by Sammy Kershaw called "She Don't Know She's Beautiful" (you can replace the she with he lol).

Lack of self confidence stems from not loving yourself, that is important and in a lot of cases harder to do than it would seem. You have to own yourself basically, you have to accept yourself for the way you are, all of your faults and shortcomings and realize that everyone else has their own as well. There's only one of you and all of the things you might think are flaws might be everything to someone else. The one thing that remains true is if you have a bad outlook on things it is likely that more "bad" things will happen and even if good things happen you won't notice it.

At any rate I think you need to address the pink elephant in the room, your self confidence. Why do you lack it and how to attain it.

Interestingly, this guy doesn't seem to quite know how to take compliments. When I told him the other day how adorable his smile is (it really is, d'aww he lights up the room) he said he appreciated having someone say that and genuinely mean it... I get the impression he's maybe had some negative experiences in the past.

I have a real difficult time accepting myself, my self-worth is so low, and part of that stems as I say from a bad relationship. The other part comes from I don't consider myself to be a good looking guy, and despite losing a lot of weight this year, I still have a few extra pounds which are proving difficult to budge - this time of year doesn't help, with the stress of Uni and all that nice Christmas food about. This guy said he also lost a lot of weight, and used to be really overweight himself, one of the many things that we seem to have in common. I have a real battle with my self though, I'm my own worst enemy. When I left that date yesterday I felt euphoric and so happy, and literally as I was driving home my mood gradually deteriorated and by the time I got home I was saying 'Hmm but what if he doesn't like you as much as you like him?' and 'What if he called you handsome but doesn't really mean it?' - it's really, really, REALLY frustrating how I turn positives into negatives.

[Flyerboy95]

Interestingly, this guy doesn't seem to quite know how to take compliments. When I told him the other day how adorable his smile is (it really is, d'aww he lights up the room) he said he appreciated having someone say that and genuinely mean it... I get the impression he's maybe had some negative experiences in the past.

[Flyerboy95]

Hmm, it's really hard to reply as it just keeps wanting Mod approval

[Flyerboy95]

I have a real difficult time accepting myself, my self-worth is so low, and part of that stems as I say from a bad relationship. The other part comes from I don't consider myself to be a good looking guy, and despite losing a lot of weight this year, I still have a few extra pounds which are proving difficult to budge - this time of year doesn't help, with the stress of Uni and all that nice Christmas food about. This guy said he also lost a lot of weight, and used to be really overweight himself, one of the many things that we seem to have in common. I have a real battle with my self though, I'm my own worst enemy. When I left that date yesterday I felt euphoric and so happy, and literally as I was driving home my mood gradually deteriorated and by the time I got home I was saying 'Hmm but what if he doesn't like you as much as you like him?' and 'What if he called you handsome but doesn't really mean it?' - it's really, really, REALLY frustrating how I turn positives into negatives.

[Cridders88]

That advice in the other thread was spot on, and you're right, applies in pretty much the same way to my situation, so thanks for the great advice . You're right, it's not easy to trust someone new, especially after a bad relationship were I was hurt pretty badly by somebody I thought I could trust. I am trying to leave that in the past now and move on from it, I don't particularly like bringing it up again, and have only done so at this new guy's request because he wanted to know about my past - not sure if that's good or bad. He has made a real effort to tell me that he won't treat me that way that my ex did and that he will only ever be honest and open with me, as he feels this is essential to a relationship working, so that was nice of him to say.

If you saw a thread by me about a month ago, where I went on a date with a guy which I thought went well and he said he wanted to see me again, and then never heard back from him and he would never commit to another date when I tried to arrange one, I think that's why I feel this is going to go the same way, despite the fact this guy has much more actively said he wants to see me again and has already got a definite date to see each other, I still just worry it's not going to work out. Which It might not, it's a risk, I guess I just work myself up over the unknown.

Another thing that is a big big problem here, is how low my self-esteem is. I don't consider myself a nice looking person, whereas this guy is really adorable. He said he thinks I'm handsome, but I struggle to believe it. I can never take a compliment, and if I don't stop questioning every single positive thing, I'm setting this up to fail before there's even anything there to go wrong, a self-fulfilling prophecy as I think you mentioned in the other thread. It's a bad habit I need to break free from, easier said than done of course.

I think it is a good thing that he is interested in you and to know the reason behind your doubts. It shows that he is interested in getting to know you, and therefore interested on something on a deeper level. It is probably best not to bring it up again now if you can - focus on this guy, and try not to let these past experiences rule your expectations. Saying all this, I know exactly where you are coming from in regards to the lack of confidence, Axle hit the nail on the head, you have got to learn to love yourself a bit more. It is a very hard thing to do for sure, and something that I haven't really mastered yet either.

I do remember your original thread yeah. Sorry that guy was an arse and wasn't upfront with you that he wasn't interested. But hey, then you wouldn't have met this guy eh? . But as you say, this guy seems to be completely different, more committed to seeing you again, so, so far so good. You seem to know where you stand with him, which is all you can hope for at this stage

Yeah, I'm not good at taking compliments either. I like hearing them (who wouldn't ), but I don't know how to react. And I doubt you'll find anyone that hasn't had negative experiences in the past. Everyone has a history to make them who they are today. It seems this guy may have some insecurities too, most do, but you've got to try to not let them rule you.

And I think I said before, spam the gaming threads! Get over 50 posts, and viola, you'll have no moderating problems

[Flyerboy95]

*heads over to the gaming threads*