I can't trust my friends because they do drugs (I'm not). Am I unfair?

[Darius]

You can't control what your friends do. I doubt most people who play around with illegal drugs thinking they are just for fun and recreation plan on getting addicted and ruining their lives, but that is where it inevitably leads. The most you might be able to do is talk to them calmly when they are sober.
In the meantime, you might want to look around for a new group of friends because most of us are not social drug users or drug users of any kind.

[kindy64]

[MENTION=22879]kindy64[/MENTION]

This is what I don't get at all.
I'm not saying that you are wrong, but I wonder if anything or what's wrong with me.
Don't you want to protect your loved one from dangers?
Don't you care about him?
Or what is wrong with me?

I really suffer from these thoughts and would like to be able to work on it without going to a therapy, cos clearly it isn't a reason enough for me to go to therapy for that, because it's me thinking that the others are wrong. But maybe something is wrong with me instead.

Where do I get it all wrong really? I really need to work on this because I have sleepless nights about it so so often.

The answer to both these questions is yes, emphatically YES.

However, I'm not his mother, or father. I'm his partner, and want him to experience life to the fullest. Sometimes that will mean letting him be his own person, whether that's "letting" him bungee jump, or go to a party where drugs will be used. I trust he will do his best to stay safe. If he thinks the bungee jump operation is unsafe, I expect he will bow out of doing it there.

To me, trying to prevent him will cause more harm in our relationship then letting him do his own thing. I certainly give my input, but there's nothing to prevent him from doing what he wants anyway. There is a point he would cross, like abusing hard drugs, where I give him an ultimatum, get help or leave. I would still love him, I just couldn't support or enable him any further.

It comes down to trust and respect.

If this issue is causing harm to your personal relationships, or causing you to not have personal relationships with others, then it certainly is something you could go to therapy about. That's not saying you should or shouldn't, that's up to you to decide. My therapist used to tell me, if it's causing me distress then it's something to talk about.

One thing a therapist could help you dig into would be why you have the issue. Most likely because something in your upbringing causes you to have these trust issues.

[Anonymous]

[MENTION=22879]kindy64[/MENTION]

Thanks for taking the time and effort to discuss this with me, I appreciate it a lot.

I want to avoid therapy, because I already had mo much therapy in my life, but it can never cover all my issues and questions.

My mother was overprotective, and my father was overly pressuring me to become a real man.
However I was a weak and soft kid with diseases and early decided for mum and rejected dad. As did she, because she had trouble with him. In the end it was my overprotective mum and me being the team within the family. My mum survived world war II as a small child, so I can totally understand where she is coming from.

Anyway, it is indeed a factor in my social fear. I don't want to talk about this in therapy though, and if I reveal why, then it would probably also reveal my identity and I'd rather remain anonymous in this thread.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Dude, just saying? Meth is the root of all fucking evil, IMO. And I'm not saying it anonymously. That and heroin destroy so many lives that it's just unreal, and turn people into fucking lunatics along the way. I speak from personal experience as the party that had to deal with those going through the process.

Do all the cool people really do drugs?

This question makes me think you're still in high school. Seriously. Mature adults do not worry about what's "cool" and "looking cool" in such a juvenile manner.

How can I feel well with them if I'm both worried about their and about my safety?

Nope. Which makes me wonder why you'd bother.

Am I taking this way more serious than it is?
Am I unfair in seeing them as untrustable?

Again, no you're not. Let me tell you a little story, yeah? A true story.

Once upon a time, I had a friends-with-benefits thing going with a friend of mine. We hung out all the time, fucked when either of us were horney. Went long stretches without contact then would hang out again. He was a good guy, had a decent moral compass, etc.

He started doing meth. He then started acting erratically... and then possessively as well. I broke shit off with him, because I didn't like the erratic behavior and couldn't trust him not to steal my shit.

He proceeded to stalk me, repeatedly break into my house, rape me on my bathroom floor (and I'm a violent motherfucker, so that didn't go easy on either of us), go to jail where he hired someone to come invade my home and "have fun with me". I died and was resuscitated on my kitchen floor.... and he is now in prison.

Drugs fuck up people's sense of right and wrong, loosening the inhibitions on ones moral compass and fucking with their heads. You are NOT overreacting.

And if they all do drugs except of me, that should probably mean they look down on me and that I don't belong to them, right?

In my experience, yep... they do. I can't speak for them, personally. But in all of my observations, that is how it usually plays out.

Or how the fuck can you be a non-druggie among druggies, that's just impossible right?

It's possible, but uncomfortable.

It sounds to me like you need to find yourself some new friends. Sorry to say it, but there you have it. Stop worrying so much about what other people think of you and find people who share your own values.

And honestly? If those guys are your only options? Being alone can be just all around -better- than some of the shit you have to deal with if those are the only options open to you.

[InbetweenDreams]

I agree with [MENTION=20738]TwisttheLeaf[/MENTION]

Said it better than I can... Like I said smoking a joint or whatever is one thing... But all this other shit is more than just it being a risk like sky diving. I mean being around someone who tweaking is a danger to yourself, not just them, never know when they're going to south... Or wait until you see someone OD and you got to either take them to the hospital or let them die... you know the cops are going to be drilling you because they're not going to believe that you're not a user. I mean even with pot I mean someone at some point is going to ask you for a ride to someone's house so they can get a bag, get caught, now your car is impounded or in some cases confiscated, which would suck if you have a loan.

Do as you please, but hanging out with folks who are druggies is bad news, not just for them but for you too, just a matter of time.

[drobs]

I have a couple friends that are pot smokers. I tried it a long time ago and really didn't care for it. These friends are all older (50's / 60's) who will go outside and smoke. As far as I know they aren't "total potheads" - smoking all day long.

My issue is - I don't want to find myself driving somewhere with them, getting stopped for speeding, and getting in trouble for their pot. As these friends are older and adults I doubt it would be an issue but at some point I'll have to let them know - No Illegal Drugs in my vehicle.

The last 10 / 15 years I've found I either have a job that drug tests or am looking for a job that might drug test and that has prevented me from messing with it.

Back in my single days, I met a guy for a date who was a big 420 guy. Met him at his retail job. 1st thing after work he did was smoke pot in his car while I waited in my car. I waited around for about 10 minutes and then ended the date right there.

No thanks.

[Anonymous]

[MENTION=14205]drobs[/MENTION] Yeah pot smoking eh, special occasion at best, or really why bother. I wasted 10 years smoking pot, at times pretty heavy with it and didn't do me any good, frankly the smoke is worse than the cigarettes and cigarettes are pretty damn bad for you. Yeah folks who are wreckless with that aren't my cup of tea either and you can imagine if there are people smoking pot in their car people who do others things will be equally wreckless and lack judgement with hard drugs. So yeah life lesson, really don't do that crap, it's a waste of time, money and in the end after all the fun it's just not worth the toll it takes on your body and mind... I mean I was severely depressed from chronic use and yeah just bad times.

[TigerLover]

Ok so your friend uses meth and you stop trusting your friend.

Yep that's about right, anything else would moronic.

But you're making the mistake of lumping all these drugs together. Reasonable use of regular cocaine, LSD and cannabis produce few side effects and have a very low chance of addiction.

Meth and crack cocaine are massively addictive and horribly dangerous. They're like opening your skull and taking a lighter to your brain. If your friends take either then you need to distance yourself from them A.S.A.P