Self Esteem

[Darius]

You can't just will yourself to be self-confident. If I were to guess, I would bet that you did not have particularly supportive or affirming parents.
Don't let your past failures define you. You can fail without being a failure. Some of the most successful people have major failures in their lives. One reason I don't believe you are the failure you think you are is that you keep fighting, trying to move forward. Getting knocked down is unimportant. Not getting back up is important.
Let me ask you something about one particular aspect which is an important one, I think. You mention that you are now teaching in China. Were you trained as a teacher? Has anyone every mentored you?
Are the people who assess your work and rewards offering you help or suggestions on how to improve?
Talk to any teacher, they will tell you they grew into it, rather than being overnight successes.
I bet you do relate very well to the students. That is important. Now you need to hone your skills as an educator. You can do it, Sup, because you have the desire.
Look your failures as stepping stones to change. Look at your successes to build your confidence.
Would it help to start a list of where you need to improve and where you have excelled? Please don't tell us you never excel. We won't believe you. You are heading in the right direction.
Keep us update, please?

[supasyd]

wow thanks a lot everyone. So much helpful stuff. I suppose overall im doing well as my life is good, i just feel like i always ruin good things for myself. My parents were great but a little too critical. I was smart and creative so their expextations were always too high. Im not so smart now because i.was pretty much intellectually stagnant through high school and college. I cant think of anything im good at or the last time i excelled at anything. Ive never been a confident person. A few times where i was good at faking it but i just cant keep the mask up these days. I have come a long way, I just want to make everything as good as it can be without falling into the comfortable habit of self sabotage. I definitely will do the list and consider the tai chi. Thanks everyone

[Camfer]

I suppose overall im doing well as my life is good

Yep, it is. Enjoy it.

[drobs]

How long are you contracted to do this teaching job?

A good friend / boss of mine gave me a good perspective on any new job.
It takes 4 months to learn a job.
It takes 4 months to realize you have no idea what you are doing.
It takes the company 4 months to realize that you are clueless and fire your azz.

By then you've already completed a year.

Focus on your successes and learn from your failures. What are some successes?
You left your comfort zone and traveled overseas.
You are challenging yourself.
You are learning new cultures.
You get to see something different everyday.
You get to see your students improve.

So you're not perfect - focus on doing better. Tomorrow is always a new day.
As my step dad says - "keep plugging along." Maybe you need to spend more time on preparing for your classes. Put the time in. Work harder at it.

I like the idea of faking it. That's what most of life is - fake confidence, eventually it will stick. Keep driving forward.

Look for ways to empower others.

[LONDONER]

its a good idea. im dyspraxic though which basically means i have no motor skills or spacial awareness and learn new things really slowly, so i dont know if id be able to do it but id certainly try.

It was good, well intentioned advice given. If you don't try it you will never know whether you can or you can't.

[Jason]

Dude, when I got into the field I'm in I didn't know crap. Frankly, it takes time to get good at what you do for a profession, even if it is something you're passionate about. As far as love and crushes go, yeah I have found myself feeling as you describe. I can't say I have found the secret to dealing with that better but the only thing I know that does seem to help is doing what you're doing which is talking to other people about it. I find that most people at some point feel the same way and deal with the same demons. The guy who appears to be very self confident and strong has his insecurities and perhaps more so than yourself.

[TigerLover]

I have pulled myself out of exactly that sort of downward spiral. I know the feelings you describe very well. Feeling like the worst person in every crowd, all those happy smiley people effortlessly living carefree lives. Like everyone else got the guide to happiness and you just missed the memo.

Developing instant crushes on anyone gay who treats you nicely. Not because they're so appealing to you but because you feel so low about yourself that it's easy to put people on a pedestal.

I'm sure i don't beI have pulled myself out of exactly that sort of downward spiral. I know the feelings you describe very well. Feeling like the worst person in every crowd, all those happy smiley people effortlessly living carefree lives. Like everyone else got the guide to happiness and you just missed the memo.

Developing instant crushes on anyone gay who treats you nicely. Not because they're so appealing to you but because you feel so low about yourself that it's easy to put people on a pedestal.

I'm sure i don't be tempted to ignore your low self-esteem. Low self esteem is a poison it'll just make you sicker over time.

As far as solutions go I salvaged my self-esteem through Cognitive behavioural therapy. It can be self-applied though I went with a therapist. I've no idea what options exist in China. But there are a few good books.

When you have feelings of inferiority among strangers remind yourself of the cliché "you can't judge a book by it's cover

Everyone has failings and everyone has insecurities. You can't judge people by the way they present themselves to society. Most people bear the scars of some unpleasant experiences, they just hide them better.
For god sake don't be tempted to ignore your low self-esteem. Low self esteem is a poison it'll just make you sicker over time.

As far as solutions go I salvaged my self-esteem through Cognitive behavioural therapy. It can be self-applied though I went with a therapist. I've no idea what options exist in China. But there are a few good books.

When you have feelings of inferiority among strangers remind yourself of the cliché "you can't judge a book by it's cover" it applies for positive judgments as well as negative."

Everyone has failings and everyone has insecurities. You can't judge people by the way they present themselves to society. Most people bear the scars of some unpleasant experiences, they just hide them better.

[princealbertofb]

Hello [MENTION=21120]supasyd[/MENTION], I was going to suggest therapy in the guise of counselling. My partner went through a bout of counselling when he was having mental issues leading to depression and he finally managed to talk most of his anxieties and shortcomings out; I'm afraid it might be difficult to find a counsellor in Beijing, though, although it is a very big city and maybe someone does exist who can speak English or who is a native speaker practising in China. The problem might be the cost. At least in Great Britain this may be on the NHS. Maybe you can find out from the British embassy?
Sending you a couple of Supasyd.

[supasyd]

I am experienced with counselling and dont know how much more i can gain from it. Mental health services exist in China but finding the time for it would be tough.
[MENTION=22948]TigerLover[/MENTION] The feelings you describe accurately match the extreme ones i had a few months ago. I dont feel it as badly or strongly now but I know those toxic feelings are still there.

I just feel like im waiting for something to happen that will flicker some switch and make me confident...but truthfully building confidence is a like climbing everest for me. It takes so long to get a little higher and so little time to fall to the botton

[InbetweenDreams]

I am writing this as I am hoping you guys can give me some insight that might help me reform my mindset.

I have come on a bit of a personal journey of late. Backstory is i was the most hated kid in school and my first bf killed himself, then recently had a difficult three years studying in Manchester, dealing with suicidal tendencies, depression, anxiety, loneliness, a really poor standard of living and heartbreak, followed by longterm unemployment. As you can imagine self esteem has never come naturally.

I'm not the best when it comes to self esteem but, look at what you have accomplished. Something I haven't. You're in China, teaching English... I don't know about you but sounds pretty rad to me. So there's something to be proud of. I mean I would be a big ball of anxiety being in a country where not too many people speak my language and different laws and so on... So I think that alone is something to be happy about.

Loneliness is a state of mind and you can be friends and so on with many people and still feel lonely. When I talked to people about dealing with anxiety because it is something I have a problem with is that it is like teaching your self to behave and react differently and it is a slow process but can be done if you can change your mind about what you think about. When I start getting upset I have already been playing things out in my head, this is going to happen, then that's going to happen and so on. It is a hard process to control and to stop. It is something that has cost me a lot of happiness and actually tested some friendships and no still got a long way to go. But you can apply the same to loneliness, find a distraction, something to do a new hobby....chat people up on here...heck you can even talk to this yank.

In the beginning of January, I decided to accept a job teaching english in Beijing. The pay is miles higher than anything i could get home, the city is great and full of new experiences. The gay scene is surprisingly well developed and im loving living here.

Let's see job teaching english, in another country, making good money, loving where you live... You should feel good about yourself. Most people dream of being able to do stuff like that. I think you're an attractive guy and if the gay scene is what it is I think you'll be fine in that regard too, just don't be impatient.

But my problem is the feelings of self hatred from my life at home still linger behind me. My life is better, I feel like everything in my life is great except for one thing：me. I have so much being handed to me now, yet i find i still mess everything up. I am still doing typical unwise things like comparing myself to other people, who always invariably are better than me at everything and dont have to try. Ive tried my best with everything, and out of all the international teachers im the only one who still gets lost, andturns up late for work. im great with the kids but still not so good at actually teaching, reflected in the fact my performance bonus in my wage was the lowest....i feel like im just naturally not as good as otherpeople. A feeling i want to leave at home. Even my teaching mentor says i just need more confidence but its hard when youre conditioned to hate yourself.

When I started working in IT, I thought I was a big expert...and no I wasn't. My work was the only thing I was somewhat confident in, until I ran into something new and had no idea what to do. I remember running into a place that was running Windows Server 2003 and was on a domain, what the fuck is a domain? What is active directory? I mean I had to figure out why people couldn't log in and connect to their network drives and all this and I had never come across this stuff at that point. I did stick to my guns and I did a lot of research and slowly I became more skilled, I got better at my job and thus I became more confident. Now as for the rest of my life, eh... yeah I need to be more confident. I'm not as fat or bad looking as I think I am and I do think I offer enough to bring to a future relationship to make someone happy. I just need to find someone who likes me enough and will respect me enough instead of feeling like I ought to be subservient.

Anyway, my point is you will get better. Six months from now after you get through a semester (or quarter if you're on the quarter system over there -- frankly I haven't a clue how school systems work there). You should be able to say you're better than you were when you came into the door.

My first performance review when I first started my job wasn't all rosie, I mean my supervisor was honest and fair, wasn't bullshitting me nor was he harsh. I mean I was worried I might get terminated. This system we have here is insane compared to anything else I have worked on in my 10 years of working IT.

So believe in yourself that you will get better, don't compare yourself, who is new, to someone who has been teaching for 10 years.

I also am repeating another mistake which i feel is linked to my self Esteem：i have a really bad crush on this other gay Chinese guy in the office. i cant stop thinking about him...but hes the quiet type. We flirt in the office a bit until i learned he had a bf. last night the whole office went to a korean bar for drinks...theres this other gay guy in the office from america who is literally like a character from mean girls who started touching him up and for some reason i still feel super super hurt...we were all drunk but i am so mad at myself for being so weak. My experience of love is falling fast and hard and getting hurt.

I do the same thing. I crush on all the wrong guys, not that they're bad guys. Just either guys who aren't looking for what I'm looking for and well being in a crush you kind of have your blinders on. I don't know how to tell myself how to keep it cool or to slow it down and be patient but that is very much the solution...but I haven't figured it out myself. Just try to approach things slowly, be honest with yourself. Communicate, if you want to know what they're looking for, ask. The worst thing that can happen with asking is that you get the answer you were hoping to get. That's what I think we get all worked up about. We meet someone who's handsome, nice, has a lot of good things about their personality...we get twitterpated.

At any rate, regardless of the outcome you should not feel badly about yourself or that you are somehow inadequate, or not good enough. I sure have posted a lot about my problems and so on and all I can say it is a journey. Learn not to feel bad and waste time on people who don't care or who don't value you.

I am scared i have flown all this way just to repeat the same mistakes. The root issue im sure is all the baggage and self hatred i have built up and being in Beijing wont vanish it away. I feel like i have struggled with this for so long and its like an ultimate obstacle to my happiness. I want to love myself so bad but i still really cant stand me. Im loving life here i just need to fix the one weak link to be happy.

I think you need to look at the good. I mean really take a look at where you were and where you're going. I think you're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for. Start thinking about the bright side of things.

[/quote]Has anyone managed to get out of a many-years-long downward spiral like this？Can anyone give me some insight or advice on how to repair myself？[/QUOTE]

Yes. I have. I graduated high school in 2005. I was going to go to a university. So when I get to college I was pretty much unprepared, mentally mostly. I wasn't mature enough and so forth. Hated my classes too. Also didn't have a roommate and I pretty much isolated myself. In short I set myself up for failure early on. I didn't do well in classes, I basically bombed nearly everything. Well you can say I felt like a loser. I had to go back working fast food and living at home and well still do for that matter. I had figured I had blew my one and only chance at doing something with my life, plus dealing with my sexuality issues and so on. I've identified as gay but not 100% sure about that anymore.

I finally got the gal to go seek out an internship and got one at a local computer shop, ended up getting hired, got out of the fast food crap. I later on ran my own gig for almost 2 years doing PC repair, then an IT manager and now a System Administrator. No, not making bookoo bucks or anything but I am comfortable with my job, I like the people I work with. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, debt and so on.... Of course I would love to date more often and maybe get lucky with a nice guy, but things take a lot of time and something Neil Degrasse Tyson said really stuck me and made me understand why we strive so much to love and be around people.

Thanks both, i suppose i know what i have to do （become confident）but.dont know how to do it, or even if i am capable of it, as i have tried for so long. im not an assertive personality and find being a take-no-prisoners kind of person impossible. If i cant do it then what can i expect from life and how can i make it good for myself？It always seems i have to try so much harder for everything. I feel like i have tried everything and dont know what else i can do. im just not confident. I thought.it would happen naturally doing this, but i still dont like myself at all. I didnt take shit with me, shit has just followed me. And it really stinks.

Don't think of self confidence as something say tangible. It is like dealing with any other state of mind. You literally have to stop the thought process. You have to both want to and be more aware about your thinking habits. Hopefully that makes some sense. It isn't like you can, say, change everything about yourself but you can change a lot about how you go about thinking about things. It is almost like if you were learning how to play the piano. I don't know how to play the piano, but just like learning it I will be very bad at it and I tend to go ahh hell I can't do this shit and quit, but don't quit, so when you try to train yourself to not have negative thoughts don't give up, you will get better at it and when you get better at it you will feel better about yourself. Hope that makes some sense, it is hard to explain.