Sounds familiar, a bit like a voice I've heard recently, doesn't it, Sean??? lol... You seem to be getting to know yourself well and if Jay is a Taurus he will likely also be quite pigheaded... so, give yourselves both a break from it all. Better luck with someone who can and will requite your love and devotion... 
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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^^
Jay, I'm gonna be real honest with you.
This is probably the first message from me, sober! And its an apology so please read all the way through. (Its not as bad as you think!)
I think I have over-reacted a little.
I don't hate you, and never have.
You may have frustrated me and irritated me the last 12 months, but that's it.
I told you I loved you, and that is the truth, whether you choose to accept it or not.
Because I didn't get the response I wanted from you, whatever that was meant to be, I got disappointed. I suppose I tried to hurt you because you didn't live up to my fantasy.
In my life I want so much intimacy and closeness, and because you have been my fantasy for so long, I've wanted those things from you, therefore I haven't been able to let you go. Maybe I'm not in love with you, maybe I'm in love with my fantasy of you. I'm not sure.
I've had trouble distinguishing between reality and fantasy, so therefore I've been confused, and of course, I have opened myself up to disappointment. As a result I've made myself feel so sorry for myself, and rejected, so therefore I have cast you in the role of an unloving villain who is selfish and who doesn't care about what I want. I have thrown a sulk. Yes you are right what you said, I should learn to let go, it has been too long.
I have, without realising it, tried to manipulate you into remaining close to me, or at least to get more close to me. And as a result I have made you react angry and hurtfully towards me, in self-defense.
Maybe, you did like me, once. But what I've come to realise is that different people, simply act differently. I shouldn't expect other people to behave in the same way as me.
I'm not a vindictive person. I don't like to hurt people. I don't like to hold petty grudges towards people.
I'm apologising to you for making you feel the way you have towards me, because of my own selfishness.
If I had never said sorry to you, if I had never faced my own fears and admitted to myself what I've been doing, without realising (and its taken months to figure it all out), then
1) it would simply have done my head in for a long time, and
2) i would have ended up a bitter man.
Yes, I'm a complicated person. And personal relationships have never ran smooth for me. Other people are so terribly important to me, whether you realise it or not, therefore I'm frightened of losing them. So I end up manipulating them to get what I want, and to keep them by my side. But in the end I just drive them away, and in the end I make myself out to be some kind of victim. And that victim image doesn't really suit me to be fair.
And maybe I've answered my own question to the last message I sent you. What lesson am I meant to be learning by knowing you. Maybe this message has spoke for itself.
Looking at myself once in a while, and realising I'm the cause of all my own problems. Realising that life is not a battlefield all the time, and can be as exciting and enjoyable
as I want it to be. And maybe loving and accepting myself, too, might help, instead of acting like a fucking idiot all the time, and wallowing in self-pity. lol
The last message I sent you was rather pathetic if I say so myself (the so-called goodbye one, not the feeling-sorry-for-myself apology one lol), but x-amounts of cider at home when you're depressed ain't fucking good. Not that I'm blaming drink, but when I drink I act without thinking, and none of us think properly when we've had a drink.
I don't know how that night 12 months ago has changed you, maybe you can enlighten me, but I think if it hadn't have happened I might not have had the chance to sit down (12 months later) and think about what I'm doing to myself and other people.
And that lesson can never be unwelcome. So maybe it wasn't so bad after all 
Well, I think thats a big enough apology, plus I gotta be up at 5.30 lol.
xxx
I think that's the most honest thing I've ever said in my life 
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I shouldn't even be replying to this since i have zero experiance with
anything even related to relationships...one of my many big fears
being that i'd get too close/fall in love with someone who really isn't
interested..
But anyway seemes like a nice/well thought out apology...weather
or not you should send it - i just can't say...hell i don't even know
_if_ you should apologise? maybe he should be the one doing it to?
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You've given it a lot of thought Sean... He ought to be grateful, but if he still goes off steaming, don't thrash yourself about it. Good luck. Have you posted it yet?
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Yea I sent it Monday night, but I don't think he's been online and read it yet, the sent message still says "unread"... I'm waiting impatiently lol...
And of course I've been in two minds about whether I should have sent it or not, but I think that may be based on he's last response to me.
I'm still confused as to why he's so angry, it don't make sense. Its not something that it would get you so fired up. Maybe there's more to it. Who knows. Maybe I'll never know.
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you definetley put your heart into that letter sean and i hope he appreciates it, only thing with supposedly straight lads is they dont show emotion to each other - an appology from my friends would be a friendly punch on the shoulder and maybe a strong hand shake and thats it - i hope he reads your letter and understands it fully mate - good luck
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Well he's read it, well i hope he's read it and not just opened it and decided not to read it lol. But I've had no response, not that I was expecting one. We'll see what happens next week at work... again I ain't expecting anything. I apologised for my own benefit really cos I felt guilty, and I'd certainly feel better for it. Of course, we all want our apologies accepted, especially when we really really mean them. Someone not accepting my apology like that would be like not accpeting me for the way I am. And deep down we all want to be accepted. But, I still have my family, my friends. I still have by my side, my true blue pals, including those that accept me for my good and bad side, and my petty vanities (which are numerous). And I'm gonna try not to let one loss poison the rest of my life. I feel alright at the moment, but I think the real hurt, the one where you realise its gone, is yet to come. Hopefully, I'll be prepared. In the meantime, life goes on. Moving on to the next hurdle, the next big lesson in life to learn.
No more falling for str8 men, or even confused men. If you're confused, leave me alone. Sort your head out first, then come to me. Don't use me as your experiment, only come to me if you genuinely want to create something significant between us.
No more emotionally damaging relationships. Recognise more potentially healthy ones. Be more expressive and open with my feelings - from the start, not bottling them up for months on end until I end up exploding and driving people away with my dramas.
Recognise my actions more, and recognise other people's too. Recognise when someone is blatantly playing games with me and taking me for a fool. And if such thing happens, or I think its happening, confront the person face-to-face straight away, and talk about it. Not wandering if he is or not, then end up putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5 - or 10 lol.
Love myself a bit more. Realise that I ain't actually as bad as I think I am. And when people say nice things to me, they might actually mean them, and they might not be "trying to make me feel better". Love myself more, and maybe other people will start loving me too, the way I've always wanted. Be good to myself, and other people will too. Be good, and good will start coming to me.
Accept things as they are, instead of wishing how things could have been, or could be. If someone tells me "no", live with it, and move on, let go, and find someone else. Make it plain and clear between each other, what exactly is going on, and what is going to happen, aswell as what is not. Instead of being told "after" something has happened. If its a bit of fun, keep it that way, and don't get myself too involved. Take things serious, but not too serious.
Plus, for the sake of my own head and for my speculative nature, limit myself to who I tell people about my personal dilemmas and problems. Only the people I really, really trust, and maybe then I won't wonder if other people are making things worse.
I've learned a lot these last few weeks, it hasn't been easy, and it has certainly been painful (and still is really), but it has been essential to my own growth. If something similar was to happen again, without me learning my lesson, it could have been a lot, lot worse, the next time, and I'd probably be 6ft under!
*sigh* what a life!
Thanks to all that has expressed their advice and opinions, I am grateful honestly. And maybe the next time you hear from me, it'll be under a lot more "happier" times!
Here's to the good times xxx
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Here's to the good times, Sean!!! Cheers!!  mile:
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Oh man, I really have never been in a situation like yours. Maybe you should just try and forget him( I know it's very easy for me to say that!), but you'll feel much better with a guy who respects you and loves you. And as far as the texts are concerned, just delete his number from your phone memory so that you won't be able to send him any messages.
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