A Huge Mistake

[abcd1234]

I need advice. I have a good female friend I know for almost 40 years. A couple of weeks ago her mother died,95 years old. Her wake was in an area I'm not familiar with.She came to my mom's wake 3 years ago. I really don't know if I had a bad lapse in judgement but I didn't go to the wake.I got a beautiful card and put a $50.00 check in it. The day of the wake was also the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing.I don't know if I was down about that or what. Anyway when I contacted her she didn't respond so I wrote her an email with a heartfelt apology for not attending the wake. She responded with a nasty email about how I was selfish and self centered,how it's always about me, how she wants to snap my head off. She also said that she supported me when my mom passed and added, 3 fucking years ago.She told me how everyone else showed up even the sick ones.She also criticized me for not having a big enough funeral for my mom. She said she helped me when I was down but it was never enough.She failed to mention that we also had a lot of great times together and plenty of laughs. She also said that if I go running to my family to tell them how she's treating me to also tell them how I'm letting my closeted gay tenant sleep with my innocent cousin {both middle aged.} giving her God knows what.She was pulling out all the stops.She told me to get my shit together and she has no desire to talk to me right now.

So today I get a thank you card in the mail from her and believe it or not she sent the check back. I felt bad for not going so I sent a gift because I know her so long.I know I'm totally at fault here.I should have went to support her.I'm not debating that.I must have had a brain fart the day of the wake.Unfortunately I can't undo it. Maybe in time when she cools of she'll forgive me but I think I shouldn't make any further contact.Only she'll know when and if she wants to speak to me again.I feel terribly because on kind of my stupid judgement I might lose a good friend.At times I thought she was a little too harsh.I know she's hurt but I didn't commit a crime either.If it was the other way around I would forgive her.What do you think?

[TwisttheLeaf]

To obtain forgiveness, there first has to be a sincere apology. And she's not going to let you do that until she's calmed down, from the sound of it.

[NativeSon]

I have a really hard time with funerals so I can sort of understand why you didn't attend. You have to keep in mind that losing someone is always a traumatic experience and people will react to it in ways that you might not be prepared for. In this situation it seems the frustration and anger expressed by your close friend is to be expected.

If it were me I would do my best to express my remorse and try to explain exactly why I did what I did. That sounds like precisely what you've already done. I would hope the friend would eventually forgive, but I certainly wouldn't press the issue. Not right away at the very least.

It's probably also a good idea to consider if you are at all guilty of the unpleasant accusations the friend made. She may be wright, she may be wrong, but such strong feelings don't usually come out of nowhere. Especially after 40 years of history. Only you and she would know.

[deephiance]

I don't understand what you did wrong?

I understand your friend is grieving and as you should know, grieving such a precious part of your life changes you.

Leave it alone, she will get back to you when she has grieved.

[Bookworm]

People can be cruel sometimes when their expectations are not met, or they feel let down in a particular way. She's hurting right now due to her recent loss, which is totally understandable, but as you say, you've been friends for almost 40 years now, so she should know you better than most.
She should eventually come around and see that perhaps you had your own very personal reasons for not attending, which you've mentioned.

You compensated by sending a card and a cheque, which in her view, didn't cut it for her but at least you reached out to her in some way.

You've not committed any crime, no, so lets hope in time her anger will subside and you can both talk about it like adults and put it behind you. Life happens, you know, and sometimes we can't be there for someone close in their time of need no matter how much we want to.

[meridannight]

It's a funeral of a family member of a friend of yours. You are not obligated to go.

I think what you did was nice, sending the card (although, I would argue money was a very bad choice there. Next time do something more thoughtful. Money is a very tacky choice when what was lost was another human being. I'm not surprised she sent the cheque back, I would do the same. And wakes/funerals in general are not the time to be sending gifts. Just plain regards, if you can't come up with anything better. But this isn't what you were asking about). You showed her you cared and were thinking of her. That was a considerate way to handle this situation. She overreacted completely. Whether out of grief or who knows what, but she was in the wrong, not the other way around.



I don't even go to the funerals of my own family members, let alone someone else's. But I'm a bit of a different character, I guess. Funerals (or wakes, what have you) just aren't my scene. I don't feel I belong there, so I never attend. Only if it was my lover who died, would I attend. That's the only funeral I will ever go to, if that ever happens to me.

[princealbertofb]

Send her some flowers. This is probably what you should have done for the wake and funeral. It can be done online. She'd have thanked you for the gesture. You can always have some flowers sent to go to her mother's gave at some later point. Everyone is around you at the time of a funeral but maybe a friend in the later months and weeks is what she will need. I think she may appreciate your thoughts and presence at some later stage of her mourning.
What exactly was the reason for you not going? Was it because you were afraid of not finding it? The area? Or was it because you were feeling depressed, remembering your own mother's passing? What good reasons could you possibly give for not going?
Good luck with rekindling this fraught relationship.

[princealbertofb]

I need advice. I have a good female friend I know for almost 40 years. A couple of weeks ago her mother died,95 years old. Her wake was in an area I'm not familiar with.She came to my mom's wake 3 years ago. I really don't know if I had a bad lapse in judgement but I didn't go to the wake.I got a beautiful card and put a $50.00 check in it. The day of the wake was also the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing.I don't know if I was down about that or what. Anyway when I contacted her she didn't respond so I wrote her an email with a heartfelt apology for not attending the wake. She responded with a nasty email about how I was selfish and self centered,how it's always about me, how she wants to snap my head off. She also said that she supported me when my mom passed and added, 3 fucking years ago.She told me how everyone else showed up even the sick ones.She also criticized me for not having a big enough funeral for my mom. She said she helped me when I was down but it was never enough.She failed to mention that we also had a lot of great times together and plenty of laughs. She also said that if I go running to my family to tell them how she's treating me to also tell them how I'm letting my closeted gay tenant sleep with my innocent cousin {both middle aged.} giving her God knows what.She was pulling out all the stops.She told me to get my shit together and she has no desire to talk to me right now.

So today I get a thank you card in the mail from her and believe it or not she sent the check back. I felt bad for not going so I sent a gift because I know her so long.I know I'm totally at fault here.I should have went to support her.I'm not debating that.I must have had a brain fart the day of the wake.Unfortunately I can't undo it. Maybe in time when she cools of she'll forgive me but I think I shouldn't make any further contact.Only she'll know when and if she wants to speak to me again.I feel terribly because on kind of my stupid judgement I might lose a good friend.At times I thought she was a little too harsh.I know she's hurt but I didn't commit a crime either.If it was the other way around I would forgive her.What do you think?

Exactly how good a friend is that who would call you all these things and be mean to you after you've acted in the only way could handle it? I know a family member's death is hard to take (even if the deceased reached an honourable age to part with the living. Yes, she had expectations of you, probably on a you-scratch-my-back, I'll-scratch-yours basis, but that's not how real friendship works, not in my book anyway; If, as she said, you were so self-centered and selfish, how come she didn't expect something like that of you? She seems to be harbouring hopes like a wife who thinks she can change her husband. Maybe this is a woman's thing ? In any case maybe she was hurting -- she probably was -- but I do think her reaction was out of line. Is there something she's bearing a grudge about that you don't know of? It would be interesting to pierce that bubble and find out.
I hope she'll let you know in due course, otherwise how can you ever make amends? I think she was counting on your sense of duty and of guilt. In fact she's just giving you a guilt trip. I'm not sure that's what friends are for.

[Darius]

Hopefully she is just hurt because she values your friendship and really wanted you there. She lashed out at you in that hurt and her grief. Give her the benefit of the doubt. You know her well, so try to think of what would help and just how much space you need to give her until she calms down.

[abcd1234]

I think at this point I should just let her be. The fact that she sent my check back shows she's still pissed. I'll just play it by ear.Time will tell.