What would you do/say/act or feel...

[Ammon]

what would you guys do, when you meet someone and while dating the subject about marriage and having children started and you're both on the same level. And then after 3 years of relationship it turns out that he doesn't want to get married or have children but you still do.

Reason is that he already went through mariage and divorse so he doesn't want to re-live it.
And about children he already has 3 so that's more than enough for him..

What would you do?
Feel free to share your opinion/advise etc..

[deephiance]

If I wanted kids and he didn't, it would be a deal breaker.

If you want kids, I would explore other options or at the very least tell your partner how strongly you feel about being a father.

[cormeum]

I would have a conversation about it. Marriage and kids is not something you can compromise about. It's wrong to make someone who wants kids live without them, just like it's wrong to make someone who doesn't want kids have them. And if he already has 3 then I can understand why he doesn't want any more. Raising a kid is a hard and expensive thing and if he has gone through it 3 times, it makes sense that he doesn't want to do it again.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Because these are topics I don't particularly feel strongly about, it's hard for me to put myself into the shoes of others in this situation.

That said, my main question would be did he feel this way from the start and mislead you? Or are his feelings a change of opinion that happened somewhere along the way?

If he mislead you, I would consider it a deal breaker as it is clearly one of those expectations that you two have built your relationship around. If he changed his mind, I'd be asking a LOT more questions concerning the when and why and how of where the change came from and came about.

[Ammon]

Well I tried so many times to talk to him about these subjects but he simply gives me a short dumb answers.

For example:

Me: Are we ever getting married?
Him: I got married once and look what it got me.

I do understand that what he went through with his ex wife is something to get traumatized over. He never cheated on her, he always said I chose this life and I planned to stay in that life, untill she cheated multiple times. Also his youngest daughter isn't his but the one she cheated with, but her biological father died before she was born.

So offcourse I understand his opinion, but he did mislead me the first year we were together. It was him who asked me "would you wish one day to propose to me or be proposed to." and about having a child he always said I would love to have a child with you and blabla

And he knew from the start that I love the idea of having one child.

I'm 31y old and he is 41y old. I feel like I've waisted 3 years on him and the longer I stay with him the more years I feel are going lost. I told him this, but he really doesn't care because he knows I don't have the heart to break up a relationship. I'm starting to realize that my interests in him is fading quickly. Physically and mentally.

The fact that he doesn't want to get married anymore I can partially accept that, but not to have a child? That I simply can't...

[kindy64]

If it's a deal breaker he needs to know how strongly you feel about it...

[Ammon]

So I just exploded right now!

Last week thursday I had a surgery so I'm home for 2 weeks. And this week we have his kids. So I'm the one bringing them every morning to school. I asked the oldest son who is next month 15 yrs old to wake me up at 6:15AM if I happen to oversleep.

Reason why I asked his son to wake me up was because in January I had for 1 month early shift and my bf complained every day about my alarm that I don't shut it off quick enough... (know that in that month he didn't had to work he only needed to bring his kids to school, that's it.

My bf came this night home from work at 3:30 am
So when he entered the room I woke up and couldn't fall asleep untill 5 am.

Then his son wakes me up at 7:10 AM so he was too late to catch his train which is at 7:24 AM.

Also in 3years time I never brought the kids late to school he did twice, and his sister once. Never did he say a word about it!

I told him about an hour ago that his son probably was too late in school. He asked "how did that happen?!"
I explained that I overslept and he woke me up at 7:10AM
Him: That is typicall you, irresponsible!! I can't even give you the responsibillity over my child!
Me: Excuse me??!! Are you blaming me??
Him: No I should blame him, right? You don't deserve to have a child (laughs) you can't even take care of yourself.
Me: You son of a bitch!!! How about blaming yourself for not being able to take care of your own kids! But I see the gratidude, Never ask me a thing again!
Him: trust me I wont, I was stupid to trust ymy kids to you in the first place.

There was said a lot more but I don't remember everything. I'm just so exhausted.

He even started with racist talks, that my kind is all the same and bla bla.

Pffff I could even punch him :mad:

[Ammon]

Kindy64 I told him that it's over for me that little hope I had left is gone.

[Cridders88]

Your own boyfriend was racist towards you? What the hell are you doing still being with him? About the kid thing, if you want different things and you both want different things strongly then it isn't going to work. You will just be "wasting more time" on him.

You need to get the heart to break off this relationship. Tough for you to do, but, is it worth sacrificing your happiness to be with this man? Only you can answer that.

[InbetweenDreams]

Sounds like a toxic relationship. It is far too easy to tell someone break it off but what I will say is that you need to weigh in what you're really looking to get out of life because it certainly seems you're not getting that with the situation you're in.