Boyfriend doesn't (want) work. I'm paying for everything. Sick of it.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm not a doctor so I might be mistaken about the signs of depression but he doesn't seem depressed to me. He's cheerful, smiling and laughing all the time unless I speak about job. Then he does turn into a big black, angry cloud and glares at me as if I would be his enemy. I also wouldn't say he has confidence issues, he's open and comunicable with people, unlike me. I could say I have low confidence but not him That's what I see from my point of view, he doesn't look like he's depressed or feels bad.

I understand that starting a new job for the first time in your life can be scary but we've all been there. It's been like that for me too, first days in new job always meant stress and worries to me but after that you become used to your duties and it's not that bad anymore. Every person has had their first day of job and everyone has survived.

I don't know what else to do to help him. Everytime I talk about job he either doesn't talk to md or becomes angry. I might try to find some job offers for him but I think there's a line as to how far I can help him. Like, I cannot come to the job interview with him or the employer will think that he's a total imbecile if he cannot come alone. There are some things he must do himself and I think that might scare him-the fact that he has to make desicions of his own, that he must take on some responsibility.

Why do I still put up with this? He's still important to me. In all other matters he's a very nice person, he's sweet and caring. And if only he worked, he'd be a good boyfriend to me. From one side he understands I get tired from working so much, when I come home, he's good to me. From the other side he acts as if that wouldn't be his problem, as if he had nothing to do with this.

[LJay]

There are always jobs available in food service and hospitals. I once even considered applying at a funeral home to help pick up people who had just died.

[kindy64]

In the name of reducing expenses, you could just get rid of cable, internet, and any other luxury item in the apartment.

If he wants to act like a child, maybe you should treat him as one. Lock up the video game console (or just the controllers as I've done with my 16yo son a time or two.) Change the passwords on the router, and streaming services.

He's not contributing to your partnership in a meaningful way, so he either needs to buck up or move along.

[Shouten]

1) Just because someone is cheerful and happy, doesn't mean he's not depressed. Actually, many people realize their problem with depression and try to hide it. When you poke the cause of it/no job/, however, there's no hiding anymore - that's why he get's dark and angry. In my view, at least. This is a typical behavior for someone with depression. /P.S. not a specialist here, that's just my opinion/

2) It'd be interesting to see his reaction when you tell him you want to split. He gets angry when you talk about him finding a job, right? So add to that his reaction to you "probably breaking up with him" and voila! That's how you find out his true colors. There are two scenarios:
a) He gets angry, and does not see his desire to remain jobless for ever as a good argument for separation. This shows a deep disconnection with reality. Dump him afterwards.
b) He gets upset and starts feeling really bad. This means he's aware of his problem, deep inside. He doesn't want to lose you and furthermore, try to establish if his unwillingness to lose you ise bigger than his unwillingness to work. If so - keep searching for a way to help your bae!

[Darius]

I don't think you should hold the threat of breaking up with him over his head or any other threat for that matter. Before you guys started living together, who did he live with? Did his parents take care of everything for him? Maybe he is used to being dependent on others and has not grown up because of that. That could be a reason but not an excuse. If he is used to someone else always taking responsibility for him rather than him taking responsibility for himself, that could be deeply ingrained in him. He may have just switched from Mommy and Daddy to bf as his provider.
The question is how to get him to grow up and take responsibility for his own life? The big problem is not just that he won't work, but that he won't talk about it. At this point, you might be the wrong person to do that. Would he be willing to talk to a job/career counselor? I don't know where you live, but in the US, ever county has offices that help with employment.
If he is spoiled, then life will not be easy. You are not a sugar daddy.

Personally, I think it is a very good thing that he has to see how hard you work to support the two of you. If you were independently wealthy and could afford to "keep" him, that would still not be what he needs.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he was living together with his parents and not long before before graduation he moved in with me. He's an only child in his family so he has been pampered as hell his whole life. I believe his parents took care of everything possible for him and raised him like a flower in a greenhouse, always overprotecting from everything. In my opinion this does much more bad than good.

But then again on the other hand, when he was a student, I actually never had any suspicion that he might have problems in life. He was a really good student, I saw that he was working hard for good grades and scholarship, he took his studies very seriously. That's why I never thought he might have problems when it comes to working.

[Cuddly]

If he liked studying I don't understand why he isn't motivated to get a job in the field that he studied.
Finishing an education just to go jobless is a complete waste of time and effort...

[Cobalt]

I'll put my two cents in, not sure if you're still needing this thread or not as I haven't checked the replies.

But anyway, I'm essentially your boyfriend in our relationship. My partner works full time, we live together, I stay at home. Come June, the situation will be what it has been for three years. We've worked through it and realized we're okay with how the situation is. I went to college and got my associates degree in general studies a few years ago but could never figure what sort of career I wanted. Until I realized, I didn't want one. I like being the stay at home partner. Now, I'm not sitting on my ass all day playing video games or watching movies. No. I'm the domestic partner. I clean, I wash the clothes, put away the laundry, run the errands, go to the grocery store, take the car for oil changes, etc. etc. etc. I have my jobs to do at home and I love doing them. We also have a small business that is based out of the home so I manage that as well. Being the domestic partner makes me happy and I feel I have a sense of purpose and responsibility. No, it's not glamorous. No, I'll never have books written about me for the house work I've done. But I love what I do. I love the way our life is.

On the other hand, I'm also mentally ill and have been all my life. I have depression and anxiety, both of which make it very hard for me to be motivated to go out into the world and do things in public. I was almost fired from both of my jobs for one reason or another and that's because I severely hated them. But, moving away from that, is your boyfriend mentally ill? Does he not want to work for some other reason than being lazy? That might be worth exploring.

When I started my relationship with my partner now, I was working and in school full time. We never really intended to have the setup we do now. But once we started living together we began to realize we liked the arrangement. He liked knowing I would always be at home waiting for him and I like being able to focus on the house work and our dogs. We decided, together, that the arrangement made us both happy. Your situation doesn't convey that message to me. Your boyfriend never told you this is what I want to do and you agreed to it. So I would say this is a bad situation. He needs to be honest about what he wants to do. He either needs to say he likes being the stay at home partner (and if he does, he needs to start "earning his keep" if he's not going to work) or that there's something keeping him from working, such as a physical or mental illness. If none of those things apply to him, then you need to ask yourself if he's taking advantage of you and the situation. If that's the case, then perhaps it's time for you to find someone who will be a part of the relationship type you want (as in, both partners work).

[LJay]

You might consider moving to another place for yourself and simply leaving him to cope. Either way you handle it there is no reason why you should support him. Date someone else.

[Anonymous]

Cobalt Thank you for your answer but our cases are not the same. In your situation I can understand why you don't work, you're ill and because of that unable to keep a steady job if I understand you right. Your partner probably earns so much that he can and is willing to support both of you, and if you're both ok with your life, that's fine.

But I'm not fine with what's happening in my relationship. I'm together with a healthy person whos only illness is called laziness, who pushes away me trying to help him and who doesn't want to even talk with me about what's bothering him from getting a job.

I wouldn't be ok with him being a stay at home partner while I'm working like a slave to pay for everything. I'm not a millionaire and even if I were, I still wouldn't be fine with this type of relationship. I don't want to sustain a healthy person with arms, legs and head on his shoulders, who's fully capable to earn money too. Just no.