Messed up affair

[AussieBloke80]

Hey there

I'm a queer Aussie guy, not totally gay but not entirely bi or straight either, so just stick with "queer". Labels suck right? Anyway this question has probs been asked a thousand times but I need advice.

Several years ago I met a straight guy in the States through mutual friends and ended up staying with him. I was quite infatuated but knew nothing would happen. Months later I was back in the USA and we caught up and he asked if I would fool around with him so in my lust I leapt at the chance. We had sex and I stayed the night. He had only mucked around with a guy in college years before and he'd never had gay sex. He next morning we agreed the pass it off as a drunken experiment. But I was falling for him big time. Oh-oh. I told him how I felt and he rejected me. But he wasn't mean or anything. He said nothing more would ever happen and I left but it took me a long time to get over him. We stayed in contact but just as mates.

A year later we met again and he asked to come home with me and we spent another night together. I should have said no. The next day he rejected me again. To cut a long story short, this has now happened in various places several times over the years. Each time the sex is better. Each time I tell myself not to get emotionally involved but the truth is I've always been in love with him. I realise at best he's bi and that this is probably unrequited love. We have confided a lot of things to each which is why is hurts when he goes cold. He organises things like trips away together but wants to have sex and then freaks afterwards and cancels out on me. I feel quite irresponsible to be honest.

It happened again the other day when he was in my hometown (the sex was incredible and he really gave it everything) i thought he was more matured at least but then but afterwards he said he felt lost and confused and questioned if he was gay or bi and then shut down and blocked me out. The next day he messaged to say he said couldn't see me and just "wanted to be friends". He's clearly suffering but he won't let me help him. He has always been the instigator I should add. I want him to but I never make the first move. He's always the one to start it up and then shut it down. So I also feel like I've given over my power, even though I don't believe he even wants it.

So. I need advice. How to move on? Do I end all contact and never see him? I'm trying very hard to get over it but it's been going on for more than 7 years! I feel he's the love of my life, like my heart leaps when he messages or emails me, but I think he still sees me as his secret gay experiment or something. Can anyone help me? I'm so messed up.

[Cuddly]

I don't know. I think you should start by letting him know how you feel and then see what he does with it.

[Zen]

Wow, that sounds like you have a really intense and special bond, and the sex, from how you talk about it, sounds like it makes that all the more great!

I guess it comes down to- do you see yourself as being a real couple (sounds like some distance crossing would be involved there), or if not are you willing to give up those brief times together. Or accept those brief moments of happiness. It's a tough call.

Sounds like he is still figuring it out, and as you say at the beginning of your post, labels are just words, maybe for this guy the difference between being Bi and Gay is a big leap?

Good luck though mate, hope you work through it.

[deephiance]

How fucking confusing is that???? WOW I feel for you mate, but as an outsider I would have to say he sounds a bit like a cunt. I understand you are infatuated with him, but jeesh, I think you keep putting your hand on the hot iron even though you know it is going to hurt like a bitch.

It is even evident to me that it is going to be impossible for the both of you to be friends because once you crack a fat you will end up fucking.

You basically have 2 options:

1) confront him and tell him exactly how you feel and how his rejection makes you feel. The result is he will either snap out of it or he will reject you.

2) Move on, start dating...stop putting all your eggs in one basket.

Either way met, sorry to say, but sucks to be you...I really do feel for you though.

If it was me, I would kick the cunt to the curb, have a few beers, couple of cones, get on grindr and find another toy....or 2

[Zen]

How fucking confusing is that???? WOW I feel for you mate, but as an outsider I would have to say he sounds a bit like a cunt. I understand you are infatuated with him, but jeesh, I think you keep putting your hand on the hot iron even though you know it is going to hurt like a bitch.

It is even evident to me that it is going to be impossible for the both of you to be friends because once you crack a fat you will end up fucking.

You basically have 2 options:

1) confront him and tell him exactly how you feel and how his rejection makes you feel. The result is he will either snap out of it or he will reject you.

2) Move on, start dating...stop putting all your eggs in one basket.

Either way met, sorry to say, but sucks to be you...I really do feel for you though.

If it was me, I would kick the cunt to the curb, have a few beers, couple of cones, get on grindr and find another toy....or 2

Blimey Daz, it's like you translated my post into Aussie! Haha ;-)

[LONDONER]

[SIZE="3"]It seems to me that your friend has issues with his own sexuality and even after all thse years he still can't make up his mind what he is and it seems that he's in no hurry to make up his mind. After the second or third rejection I would have given up on him. But I'm not you.

At this stage in your relationship I would issue him an ultimatum; either he makes up his mind once and for all or the whole thing is off. State your feelings towards him clearly and say that if he isn't willing to reciprocate the there is absolutely no point in continuing. It's not fair on you. [/SIZE]

[Camfer]

You are being used and he's toying with you. Anytime he wants sex he knows you'll oblige. You are having an imaginary, aspirational long-distance relationship with a confused guy who lives in another country, a 14-hour plane flight away. And now you're waking up from the fantasy that it's ever going to work.

I think you're right that you are too vulnerable to his siren song to continue contact with him. So you tell him that it's apparent that he can't be your boyfriend and you can't be his friend that he uses for his guilt-ridden sexual explorations, so it's better if you both move on.

Find a local out gay guy that interests you, so you can have a good healthy normal gay life. You certainly sound quite capable of loving a man, so time to find one who can love you back.

[Darius]

Seven years. Do you want to be saying the same things seven years from now? How about seven years after that? That is a long time to hold out for someone who initiates intimacy with you when he's horny then rejects you after he's got his nut off. You're wasting your life.
My suggestion is you tell him how you feel about him and that you can't and won't go on like this any longer. Then stop all contact. Even without the sex you are in bondage emotionally to him. I seriously doubt you can even maintain a friendship with him. You're miserable now and after seven years he is not evolving or changing in any way.
You have some tough decisions to make. Invest yourself in someone who returns what you give.