Parents reaction to wedding news

[kindy64]

I guess I can count myself among the disowned by parents... I'd contact them to correct my mom about posting on Facebook before calling them, but don't think it would do any good.

Needless to say your father and I are not thrilled with your latest news. That you have no problem announcing your news to the world on Facebook, but think it's okay to leave us in the dark until the last minute. IT HURTS!

So for the time being it would be best if you do not plan any trips here. It's going to take us awhile to digest everything.

It's Dad,

I agree with your Mom. Our old time morals have kept us strong till now. We never thought we would have to deal with your new lifestyle at our age. Don't like it and believe it will not work out, but who knows that's for sure. Love you, but our relationship will change forever.

Longer letter to follow in a few weeks.


Love.

Mom and Dad

[Darius]

Unless I'm missing something, I'm not seeing the disowning. I know you have a long history with your family that I don't know, but it sounds like they are requesting time to come to terms with something that is alien to them. They even express their love for you. Again, I only know about them what you have posted in this letter. It sounds like their is room for hope. At least it sounds that way to me.
Hang in there.

[kindy64]

Maybe my reaction is a little emotional right now...

But, they don't want to see me, or I assume hear from me. Dad doesn't think it will work. Still calling my life and choices a "lifestyle."

And the dissonance caused by, not being informed on the one hand and "We never thought we would have to deal with your new lifestyle at our age."

For reference, here is the post where I discussed coming out to them. In the nearly a year since then, I've not had much communication with them, they've not reached out at all to me about any of this since then either.

https://gayspeak.com/showpost.php?p=659830&postcount=21

[LJay]

You simply have to take it at face value. They are at least communicating to some extent, even if only once a year. Your partner has to understand that they will never give you money. Just keep the door open on your side and send good wishes when you can. Keep in touch with your sister if you can and ask her to let you know if anything important happens with your parents. It is not good and it certainly hurts you but you must do your best with it.

[IanSaysHi]

It's completely different but when I first came out to my Mum she was shocked and the next day was crying, saying she felt bereaved of the son she'd always wanted that would get married and have kids. For a while that hurt, especially the use of the word 'bereaved'. And things were strange, the subject became a kind of taboo and she didn't want the rest of the family to know.

However finally she told another family member and then it just snowballed and she became so supportive and things lost that weirdness that came with having an elephant in the room. I think what helped is her seeing other people didn't care I was gay and no-one hated me for it etc. I think she'd had a mixed fear of others disowning me and also that whole 'what will other people think' thing.

I know your parents not accepting who you are hurts but just give it time. I don't think they are cutting you off completely at all, they just need time to digest this. It's your choice if you want to try and work on a relationship with them where you know they might not fully accept you for who you are, whilst you just appreciate them for the rest of what they offer you as your parents. It's polarising; I've known a few guys and gals who've cut off contact with their parents for not accepting their sexuality. Personally I'd still want to try and salvage something. Time and families can produce all kinds of crazy results, good or bad.

Just give them some time to digest (and also for you to think it over) then see what your heart tells you.

[deephiance]

all I am seeing is religion religion religion....don't get upset with your parents, they have been brainwashed by a novel they is an instruction manual on what to think, say and how to behave in certain situations.

I would just make an unplanned visit one weekend.

[meridannight]

As if so many straight marriages were ''working out''. That has nothing to do with it. And he knows it. If you were to marry a female instead of a man, nobody would go, 'Oh I don't know. So many marriages these days are not working out. So maybe women are not right for you? Just saying'. Right? Marriage is about love and commitment to another person, and if you have chosen to marry a man, that alone should hit home the reality of this situation, which is -- that it is love you feel for another man; unchangeable, pervasive, lasting kind of love that can't be dissolved with disapproval, moralizing, and/or threats of rejection. (Is there a possibility they've realized this, and that this is just a reaction upon realizing their defeat?).


The only problem they have is you liking men, and the fact that marriage is no longer for heterosexual couples anymore. Some people just can't get over it. They don't agree with these new rights conceptually, that's fine, but life and world isn't made of concepts. It's real people and real relationships and that's what should matter.

If it's morals and concepts that ''keep you strong'' then you're gonna have a bad time in life, because everybody has a different conceptual grasp on life and this world, and a different moral/ethical make-up than you. Everyone who thinks or feels differently will be affront to you and your life, in that case. That's a really bad way to go about life in general.

What should keep you strong is loyalties and close relationships you've built up with your friends and family. The fact that you can always turn to them and have their support even if you don't agree with everything they do and/or what they think; (that would be an impossible standard to expect from anybody).

[Camfer]

Oh, those people living their conservative lifestyles, having the gall to announce their opposite sex weddings at the last minute on Facebook for the whole world to see, walking around thinking they know how other people ought to live, and trying their darnedest to legislate their world view on the rest of us. Sometimes it is hard to show them much compassion.

Anyway, your parents were being honest and that is worth a lot. There is plenty of room for communication with them.

If I were in your situation I'd write them back a simple note or an email/voicemail thanking them for their honesty, that in the long run you want their continued love and support, that you'd love to have them at your wedding if they can come and celebrate your new commitment, even if it's at the last minute, but if not, you'll continue to keep in touch and let them know how things are going in your life.

You've got a wedding to plan and it seems like it's no time to try to win their approval, not now and really it's not your job to win them over on this. Do you have any aunts or uncles to invite? Brothers and sisters? Nieces and nephews? Cousins? You might enjoy having other family members there!

I like Deephiance's idea to stop by for a visit if they are nearby.

Don't buy into their crap on this one. Okay you're bi and it's the 21st century, when you can get married to another guy. It is happening every day and the world is better for it. The only problem is 100% theirs.

[CellarDweller]

I don't think they've disowned you, they just need time to digest this.

[matty7]

surely you must see that announcing your news on Facebook first and letting them hear it second hand would hurt them....did you do it on purpose ? didn't you care about their reaction ? do you even want them at your ceremony ? my questions are not meant to attack you but they are from an older generation and as your Dad says...they have old time morals , you had to know that as they brought you up - i dont see Disowned in their reply - i just see hurt , and been let down