Newly out as bi - Need advice on my first guy dating experience!

[newtothis32]

Hey everyone. I'm new here but kind of looking for advice on a new but difficult situation for myself. A little introduction: Im 32, Male, bi - and only started coming out to my close friends and family yesterday. In the past I have experimented a bit, but only have dated girls - but even that has been a while due to graduating school / other life stressors. So Im definitely new to the new age dating scene in general.

6 weeks ago I went on a trip with a big group of friends and acquaintances. One of the guys that came along on the trip came out as gay to everyone and we really just hit it off as friends. Everyone was really supportive, but I was not out yet. After the trip our friendship grew and a few days after returning from the trip I came out to him as bi. We ended up fooling around a bit and started hanging out a few times a week. I told him I was pretty into him in Vegas and had a pretty strong attraction towards him and he echoed the same back to me. We went on a date to supper and a local play a few friends of mine were in and it went great - he grabbed my hand during the show and we really clicked. On the way back to my place after he hit me with the classic - "this is going great but Im not looking for a relationship - I just want to make that clear". I was a little upset as usually that means "Im not looking for a relationship with you", but he more played it off as that he was recently out and wanted to date around and wasn't ready to settle down etc. I decided I was fine with that as I didnt have strong feelings yet and I kind of wanted to explore a bit too. Over the next three weeks we kept seeing each other. We slept together for the first time and fooled around a couple times a week. But other times we would grout for dinner or just hang out with friends than head back to my place and hold hands and make out, have a drink and talk about life. He was kind of hot and cold the whole time with texting, but it was going well overall. Nothing too heated but we were both having fun and physically into each other. Last week I went on a trip for 5 days and we hung out the night before. I had a girl that was interested in me coming on the trip and I wanted to clear the air before I left that I wouldnt be hooking up with anyone else even though we were not exclusive. He stated that he kind of saw us as friends with benefits with little more at that point (which I still have no real idea of what that means). So I kind of just realized that this was a more casual arrangement but I was starting to have some feelings as things were starting to feel pretty date like. We never just hooked up. He nicknamed me, held my hand, looked long into my eyes and we would make out and talk for hours without having sex more than half of the nights. We would go out on supper dates alone and he would hold my hand when we walked down the street at times. I decided to kind of let it be and cool off a bit and re-evaluate things when I got back from vacation this week.
Since getting back things heated up a lot. We hung out everyday - Half of those dates initiated by him. We slept together once, the other rights just cuddling and holding hands while watching a movie or swimming in my pool. We went out on another dinner date alone together before meeting friends after. He started ending nightly text messages with XoXo and changed my nickname to "Mr hot". He started telling friends he was seeing someone but didn't name me as I was not out.
Two nights ago I met at a friends birthday party and when I showed up he was quite intoxicated - He was all over me to the point where friends started questioning it. He then accidentally let it slip in front of everyone that "I was his man" and that he wanted to kiss me half outing me to all of my friends. He sobered up a bit and stayed the night at my place - and when I walked into my kitchen to grab some food in the morning he was finishing drawing my name in a heart on my whiteboard. I drove him home and on the way he asked if I wanted to help him pick out guys on Tinder which obviously pissed me off a bit - Was this him freaking out and trying to distance things because he realized things were getting more serious? We went out for a drink that night and I just kind of wanted to clear the air and see where we both were. He simply stated that nothing had changed and that we were still friends with benefits with a bit more, despite saying that we were seeing each other a few days earlier. I flat out asked hm if he had feelings for me and he more said he wasn't sure.
I broke stuff off and basically told him to figure out what he wanted. He didn't seem too sad or bothered but Im pretty wrecked over this. Im just coming out, this was my first male dating experience, and it was so hot ad cold and confusing. He texted me today and apologized saying that he is having trouble putting his feelings into words and that he doesn't know what feelings he has above being friends and apologized for leading me on, but wants to still move forward potentially. We have so many mutual close friends that I don't want to make things awkward.
Im not ready for a relationship and this is all so new to both of us, but I can't figure out if I was being used or if he is just confused.
I decided to just come clean and start telling people yesterday and started telling my family today.
Any advice as to what to do? I really like this guy and would love for this to work out as the dates and physical part of it is wonderful, I just don't like the hot and cold aspect.
I can't figure out if he's just confused or actually has no feelings. he's known to be an extremely nice guy and we have had close mutual friends that have told me he is one of the most genuine people they have ever met so I don't think he is innately an asshole. He's a bit younger than me (25) so is he just immature? I find it hard to believe someone could sleep with someone, put their name into some while driving, give then a sweet nickname, hold hands, spend nights cuddling and making out ass with no feelings over 6 weeks. Especially how he had been telling people that he was seeing me and the public displays of affection if front of our friends. He kind of wrote it off as "doing what felt right in the moment", but is he just scared that he starting to feel something and is now trying to cool stuff off as he is afraid or not ready for this to grow into something more?
Either way, I broke stuff off and said that while we can remain friends, that he needs to figure himself out and that we can be friends only until he figures out what he wants. Im so confused as to what this is or was.
It felt very much like an open relationship and we never just hooked up. I don't see that as friends with benefits "with more" at all. Not that labels matter but I see things more and non exclusively seeing each other.

Thanks so much for any outside insight or advice! Im so hurt and confused and lost to be honest...

[Camfer]

He sounds like a player and a manipulator, and then confused on top of all that. I think you are wise to break it off with him for now. Your own confusion is caused by his very mixed signals. You shouldn't wait for him. His issues aren't going to be solved in a week or a month.

Anyone else you're interested in dating?

It does sound like you let yourself get too attached too quickly. You were not in an open relationship with him, because you really weren't in a relationship with him yet. Try to take it slower next time. When you try to corner him to define it, he ultimately says friends, so there's your real answer.

[Pyromancer]

I'm with [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION] on this one. It's good that you've stepped back to gain a little perspective.

He says he only wants FWB, but behaves as though you two are in a relationship, which gives him all the perks of a relationship with no commitment of any kind. Also, there are a couple definite red flags here. Getting drunk and "accidentally outing you is not acceptable...I suspect that he wanted your connection to be more public, but instead of discussing it with you, he chose to handle it this way. Not okay...and, unless the two of you were discussing a threesome, asking you to help pick out guys for him is absolutely tacky...Ugh.

You ask if he would behave as he does if he didn't really care for you. Well...my husband appeared to be fully participating in our marriage while doing all of the things you described with his BF. So who knows what the depth of real feeling is.

It's fine to stay friends, particularly since you move in the same circles, but I'd be very wary of further involvement until he starts coming clean with you.

[LJay]

Not every guy wants a relationship to be tied down and that's OK if it is handled responsibly. Playing games is not OK. I have always had a rule that I am responsible for what I do when I am drinking. It may mean being a bit less "happy" than some others at the party but it keeps me from doing things that embarrass my friends. He should not have acted like that at a party in front of your friends.

Take your time and learn more about guys before you become heavily involved. It is a little more tame but a lot safer in the long run.

[newtothis32]

Thanks for all of the advice so far! We went for a walk tonight and then out for drinks for kaeoke with friends afterwards at a local bar and kind of talked everything over. I firmly stated that we could only be friends. He apologized for making a lot of mistakes and tried to explain what happened / how things went wrong. He said that he was really just doing what emotionally felt right at the time. He missed the dating / party phase of his life and really just wants to meet gay people in our city and explore what he likes and doesn't like (Its a small conservative city of only 250000 so his exposure to other gay guys is minimal). He said that one of the biggest reasons that he acted the way he did was that he was into me, but that he has never had the chance to hold hands, make out with a guy, have sex with a guy, or experience any of this. So yeah - He definitely wanted all of that / all of the relationship perks as they are all new and exciting to him, but he just didn't think of how that could hurt me as he didn't know id get that attached that quickly. he said he does have feelings above friendship with me but isn't sure what that means or what they are. I very much realize that this isn't a situation I want to be a part of. He's just too self absorbed and confused and stuck in this explorative party phase for anything more to work anyways. I can relate as Im just coming out that its such an explorative time and Im assuming often selfish stage in your life and I can understand not wanting to be tied down - He should have just taken my feelings into consideration sooner. He apologized for that though and apologized for the potential partial outing me which he doesn't remember (which I believe as he was so drunk he threw up in a cup). he's just immature and confused I think. I don't think he's manipulative or a player (on purpose at least) as he's fine remaining friends only and was super supportive and apologetic on the walk and basically just seemed overall confused. I cut off any physical anything and he was still okay wth that and was supportive of my decision - Someone who doesn't care at all or who is just an asshole would probably not stick around for that. Everything seemed really positive and he texted me and posted on my Facebook wall when he got home. We hung out with friends after and it overall went well except a drunk guy hit on him all night and followed him into the washroom which was kind of upsetting to me but frankly not any of my business at this point and I need to get over that if Im going to be his friend, because at this point when Ive put as back to only friends its none of my business what he does with other guys. I would prefer not to be around to see it, but its not my business.
I just need to see if Im fine with hanging out and trying to build our friendship. We share a best friend and this has been hard on him as he's stuck in the middle - So I feel I owe it to our mutual friends to be mature and work this out. Plus we legitimately have a blast together - we sat and listened to kareoke all night and it was so much fun. My friends love him and he really said he wanted to focus more on not hurting my feelings. So yeah, as long as I can move on and check my emotions I should be fine. Its not easy as some wounds are still fresh. But It helps to know that in his newly out phase that I don't think a relationship would work with him and anyone else either - Its really not me, it's him completely. I need to focus on keeping myself happy and being emotionally mature - even if that means cutting things off completely

[Matt608]

It sounds like he really doesn't want to use the word 'relationship', even when he's in one. I don't know whether he wants to keep his options open or is just phobic about anything that even resembles commitment. Even in an open relationship, there's a certain amount of commitment.

He's your first guy, but not your first dating relationship. Basically, whatever the label, we're just all human beings. How would you have reacted if a woman ran you around this way?

I think you're wise to be cautious. It's obvious that you have feelings for him, and he probably has feelings for you, too, but he needs to get his head on straight and figure out what he wants.

[princealbertofb]

Hello, [MENTION=24534]newtothis32[/MENTION], and to GaySpeak.

I agree with a lot of what has been said but it seems to me that you're definitely more 'together' than this person and that even if you are not out (it takes a while to be comfortable with the idea that one is literally attracted to someone of one's own gender) you know a little more about what you want than he does and more importantly you are more in tune with who you are and how you handle your own shame and self loathing, which, apparently, he doesn't. I'm not saying you are self hating but that is something that we all have to contend with at some point when we realise that we are not the straight person everyone else assumed we might be. It is rare for there not to be some kind of mental turmoil going on in our heads and hearts (and maybe other parts, ) so it seems to me that you have a better grip on what you two mean to each other than he does, and I can only think of it being his lack of grip on his own internal homophobia. So it was fine to out you while drunk but then he doesn't want it to be admitted that the two of you have a relationship even though you certainly have, whatever you wish to call what connection exists between you.

The thing is it's playing with your emotions and feelings and that's not very cool. Men can be such pricks sometimes. Try to draw the line, because he clearly doesn't know where the line is, and keep it that way until you can move on to something else.

Maybe you should establish some rules nonetheless, regardless of the way you name your relationship. You can ask him not to out you in public. You can ask him not to call you his boyfriend unless the two of you have agreed that you are. You can ask him to do all sorts of other things to clean up his act. You have no guarantee, of course, that he'll enforce any of them, but if he doesn't, he's been warned, and I daresay you can keep your distance if you see he doesn't respect your wishes.

[newtothis32]

Thanks for the great replies everyone, your advice is very much appreciated!

[MikeW]

Thanks for the great replies everyone, your advice is very much appreciated!

So, don't be a stranger!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Thanks for the great replies everyone, your advice is very much appreciated!

Oh no you don't just up and say thanks until you hear MY advice...

Newly out as bi - Need advice on my first guy dating experience!

I suggest you learn knot tying, and get plenty of strong rope.

Keep them tied up long enough in a closet and they will love you... Currently working my my 26 year old body now.....

Oh and gaffers tape (Duct Tape, Grey Tape, Duck tape... many names for such a useful material)

:eek: