married and discovering

[Pyromancer]

I mean we have a decent sex life...have watched a lot of gay porn and it really turns me on...just not really sure what I should do relaly here

Look, if you're waiting for someone to tell you to go out and experiment behind her back, I don't think anyone here is going to oblige. I realize that there's a popular misconception that gay guys are all man-whores and think of nothing but sex...but most of us are just ordinary, decent guys doing our best to get what we need in life without hurting others.

Yes, it will hurt her if you tell her the truth. But it will hurt, anger, shame, embarrass and just plain devastate her if you lie and cheat.

You keep saying you don't know what to do. You either tell her the truth so you can go experiment...or keep it in the fantasy category. Those are the choices. A real, decent human being faces up to hard choices and does what's right for him and for others that he cares about. Tell her or forget it. I can't say it any more plainly.

[heythere1188]

not asking for permission to cheat just trying to figure the best way to go about telling her or what you all would recommend

[Pyromancer]

I'm sorry if I offended you, that wasn't my intention...but it's been difficult to tell what you're thinking from your brief posts.

You have to decide if this is something that you really need to pursue. If it is, you have to accept the fact that it's going to be a very difficult conversation with your wife. You said that she's "very conservative and wouldn't accept any of that"...do you mean she's anti-gay? Or that she wouldn't accept an open relationship?

We don't know the circumstances of your life...do you have children? Are there other family members who might support you? Or maybe friends? Is there anyone in your life who knows the both of you that you could sit down with and talk this over? Is there a possibility you could talk with a therapist or counselor and then maybe bring her along and discuss it in a neutral setting? I'm just throwing out ideas here.

What is it that you want? To separate from your wife? To stay with her and have an open relationship?

You have to figure it all out in your head before you approach her. I can only imagine how difficult all of this is, I hope you manage to work it out in the least painful way possible for both of you.

[heythere1188]

shes more anti gay and we live in the bible belt so a lot of people I am close with wouldn't be accepting of my life choices. there is no kids involved.. just very unsure of what I should do seeing as how I have never had any of these feelings in the past.

[Pyromancer]

How did all of this get started? I mean, most straight guys don't wake up one morning and decide to go watch gay porn...did you start noticing guys around you? Or maybe by watching straight porn and starting to notice the guys? I'm just trying to get a feeling for where you are with this. Like, wondering if this has been present in you for a long time, but you suppressed it completely til now?

So she's anti-gay. Is she more open to sexual experimentation? Like, if you approached her with the idea of having an open relationship, how might she react? IDK, I guess I'm thinking that if she was willing to accept the idea of an open relationship, and each of you was free to sleep with other people...you wouldn't need to tell her WHO you were sleeping with until you were sure of yourself. I mean, it might not be totally honest, but you wouldn't be cheating on her.

IDK. It's a rough situation. If this attraction to men weren't happening, would you be totally happy and satisfied in your marriage? Or would there still be something missing?

[MikeW]

shes more anti gay and we live in the bible belt so a lot of people I am close with wouldn't be accepting of my life choices. there is no kids involved.. just very unsure of what I should do seeing as how I have never had any of these feelings in the past.

If you're that unsure the best answer is DO NOTHING. Not yet. By "do nothing" I mean, do not act on your desires with another guy. Do not tell your wife you are having these feelings. Not yet.

You need to be a lot more clear with yourself (and with us) just how strong these attractions are. You say you haven't had these feelings in the past. That alone is on the "unusual" side. Yes, it does happen that some men just one day sort of 'wake up' and realize they're attracted to other men. However, most gay men know they have these feelings fairly early on in life. For me it was before puberty, even. For others they show up in early adolescence or high school. Some it takes much longer.

Don't do anything until you've gotten much more clear in yourself what you want. This is a HUGE deal, especially for someone who is in a committed relationship and who knows that accepting his same-sex fantasies and desires may lead to a total re-evaluation of his life and his life's priorities.

As has been said: DO NOT CHEAT. I know, it may be tempting, but to do so is courting REAL drama no man needs in his life. It can be devastating to you, your job, your wife, your family... IF the truth comes out sideways. MUCH better to own it when you're ready to own it. Self-acceptance is a huge deal in our society. Very few people know how to do it. That's kind of the point: Better to do nothing at all than to make the wrong move and mess up your own life and that of your wife (and your extended family).

[princealbertofb]

I'm wondering, as others here are, what are all the entrapments in which you're tangled at the moment. One of them is your marriage, but people can get out of marriages, especially when they see they don't work. There is such a thing as divorce. You could do that before any kids come into play. Your wife would be hurt probably but no one else would be involved.
But again, is the form of marriage you've contracted also trapped in religion and how the community would consider this divorce? Is shame about yourself another mental entrapment?

One solution, if you have become disenchanted with straight sex (I'm guessing you've had straight sex with your wife), might be to stop having sex with her (even though that might be another kind of entrapment to sort out), and to give her grounds for divorce. You have to look into the various reasons that could give you a divorce. I think in the States there's such a thing as 'irreconcilable differences'.

My perception is probably that you got into your marriage too early, maybe before you had time to 'sow your wild oats' or to get a chance to experiment a bit. Your social circumstances probably made it difficult to express liking for other males, and you just didn't have that kind of opportunity. I know my partner didn't realise he was 'gay' until he was well past his forties, so this can happen, I'm afraid to say, even today.

It would help to know how you came to the realisation that you weren't into women and that you might need to experiment with a man (it doesn't have to be 'men' in general, because as someone said, we're not all sluts). Have you started developing a libido for men, for men's bodies? A distrust of women, or a dislike for women's bodies? A fear of fatherhood?
Someone also suggested a councellor which your marriage would need if you stopped having sex with your wife, because she'd be wondering why you've stopped asking for it, or why she's not getting it when she requires it, especially if she's looking at having children.

Another way of getting things noticed would be to become a bit more vocal about things pertaining to LGBTQ rights and expression. Ask your wife what she thinks as you hear about, or watch a programme on gay rights, or gay pride. Express your doubts about the fixed nature of human sexuality (it is more fluid than some people might allow it to be), express your concern with people who are not treated fairly on account of their skin colour or sexual orientation. You live in the Bible Belt, you said. Are you African American as well? Is the only chance to be gay there to live it on the 'down low' (see that phrase)? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Down-low_(sexual_slang)
Anyway, we're here to help you sort out your feelings if you can bear to be more open with how this all came about., @heythere1188.

[princealbertofb]

not asking for permission to cheat just trying to figure the best way to go about telling her or what you all would recommend

So you watch a lot of gay porn and are really turned on by it. I'm guessing this is all happening in secret. How do you manage this? Maybe you should start being open with your need for porn, or your (is it addiction?) to gay porn. Does porn play any part in your sex life with your wife? Would she be surprised to find this out about you? Who does she actually think she married?

Of course your sex life is probably satisfying if you both manage to have sex. Some would say that it's hormones functioning. Our need to reproduce can be very strong, and kind of difficult to harness. But are you bisexual, or more gay than straight? Ask yourself how many girlfriends you've had before your wife came into the picture. Have you had sex with many of them? Have they all been slightly disappointing? I'm going to consider that your experimentation with male bodies has been nonexistent, since your discovery is recent.

What is it about the male to male fantasy that you think turns you on? Would it be possible to include some sex toys into your relationship with your wife that might satisfy one of those needs? Are you curious about being penetrated? Do you find you have a yearning for anal sex which your wife may not feel is ok? Is gay porn managing your libido and sexual fantasies more than your sex life with your wife? Is it getting to a point where the grass looks greener on the other side? If you've reached that point, you are probably in trouble with your mental health and your happiness, which can lead to depression and / or physical illness too. Better sort it out as soon as you can. I don't suppose this is a question that you can broach with your doctor, is it?

[heythere1188]

I never had noticed guys in any such way until a few months ago. I found myself checking one out and realized I was attracted to him...it has kind of steam rolled from that to now fighting urges to be with one.this is all feelings and thoughts I had never had before. I have watched porn when she's not around. it seems to be making it harder. Yes we have a sex life it's not an everyday thing but it's regularly done. She is no open to toys or open relationship I have brought toys up before a long with possible 3sums. This was all brought up before feelings thhappened

[Zen]

I can't really add much to what has been said. Except that the guys on this site are very wise and offer a lot of genuine advice.

Maybe you just need to take some time to emotionally process these feelings, as they are so new, although unusual, perhaps, but as others have said, not impossible for these feelings to come up in your 20s.

Certainly do not rush into anything, see how you feel in time. If these feelings grow you will need to speak with your wife, whilst it sounds like she would not accept an open relationship, would she accept this as part of your sexuality? If she wouldn't that may make things difficult.

I know how difficult what you're going through is.