I'm lost in chaos, need some advice

[Aquarius]

Hi again, it's been a while since I've been here last time.

I thought I could do this on my own, but I can't.

I've been to a gay advisory centre half a year ago, had a couple of sessions with a very nice guy there and he helped me a lot - short term. For those who don't know me, I suffer from a low self esteem, social anxiety, depressive phases, and a few more problems.
He said he fully believes that I can get my life under control even without therapy, that I don't need one. He reminded me of my own strengths and this gave me a great boost and positivity.

Half a year later, I'm again down in depression, inferiority issues, loneliness, and no motivation to do anything.

I have so many things going on in my head and I can't sort them.. and the bad thing is I also can't keep them for myself, cos that's not healthy.

So what happens is that I keep talking my issues to my friends, online and offline, and I feel I am chasing them away by doing so, and thus get even more lonely and depressed.

I've even posted about my issues on Facebook and hardly got any reaction from it. No one messaged me and actually asked what's up, no one but one single friend. All I got was a few sad smileys, as if that would be any help!!!

So I have again tried to contact therapists here. The one I would like to go to the most has long queues, and I'm already in the queue for half a year now. There's another one who I could go to very soon, but he asks for 100 Euros per session - or a very complicated process via my insurance. I neither have the money nor the nerves for that at the moment. But all this waiting doesn't help either.

I really need someone to talk to, on a regular base.

I just don't know what to decide for, where to turn to. It's such a big mess and I can't deal with it anymore.

[MikeW]

Well, at least you had the motivation to come here and ask for help. The question is, how much help, however well intended, can written words from people you've never met actually be?

The bottom line is always going to be you. No one can 'fix' you or even 'change' you. That's all up to you. That said, you apparently need to have your strengths reflected back to you on an on-going basis. As you see, left to your own devices, you begin to sink back into negative self-imaging, depression, and loneliness fairly easily without it. That's ok in the sense that to some extent we all need that kind of "mirroring" (a more or less accurate reflection of who and what we are) from others and the world around us. But ultimately we do have to try and learn to see ourselves more objectively. To take responsibility for and some control over those aspects of the 'self' that are 'self-destructive'.

[Alvin]

Hi, Aquarius. How about some music?

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

[Alvin]

I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you. --V for Vendetta

This is my 400th post (not 500th though), and it's exclusively for you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Get a real therapist. Not a prescribing one or you will be chemically lobotomized with hella attempts at "controlling" your issues with drugs. How do I know... Don't ask.... (shudder).

See I doubt having talked to this other dude for a few short times actually carried what you are going through.

I have had a therapist here for two years... she is still learning about me, my "diagnoses" is fluid, ever changing as we peel my onion.

You're 41 - that is a hell of a lot of time to go through with another human bean in a few conversations. Besides most humans have no idea what it is they really are feeling, and most feelings and sensations are difficult to describe. Try describing the emotion of love, all of its nuances, how it effects you physically... Write it down so you can just read it a few days later and see if you got it right. Do this with all the feelings you are currently having, set it aside a week then read it with new eyes... Did you describe what you are feeling well enough for another to understand?

The problem is you most likely talked about your present state of mood with him because that was your focus at the time, so he didn't get a peek at the other times.

And now you are going through this again.

There is this thing called SAD (seasonal affected disorder) where the seasons, time of year can affect your mental and emotional health. I have winter SAD - wintertime I get so depressed that if anyone pushed me just a little I can be sitting at my dinning room table with a gun in my mouth. It happened just a few years ago 2012 or 2013.

I wasn't managing my SAD, and was under stress which clouded a lot of stuff for me and all I could see was the pain.

Yes, if you talk to your friends, family, etc over and over again and their have advised you and tried to support you and yet you return to them for more, eventually they are going to back off because they are not professionals and they will no doubt think that their help isn't helping.

Which most likely their help IS helping, but not enough.

I would go to therapy, talk for a while then you and your therapist can work to decide if chemical help (prescription) would be a good thing to go along with counseling.