Cheer me up? I've messed up with someone I really like

[baristajedi]

Hi! Who wants to cheer me up, give advice, make me laugh or otherwise take my mind off something? I totally messed up with a girl I like. Things have been really wonderful but I got too caught up in the emotions and have been acting too emotional all week. Like really just maybe coming on a little too strong. We went out again on Saturday, and I was worried I'd kind of messed up the vibe a bit. It has been playing on my mind since then. Finally today I wrote her a too-long message kind of asking if things were ok between us, and if I'd maybe sent things in a weird direction. 

I actually thought about removing the message but couldn't and now she's read it and she's not written back yet. I am feeling like a total idiot because I really like this girl and I think my intensity has now scared her off. 


Urgh. Anyone have wise words? Funny words? Something to share with me about your own experiences with stuff like this?

**note - i should mention it's a very new thing, we just started seeing eachother, we met on tinder and talked for over a month because I was in total isolation and then we've been dating now in person for like a little more than 3 weeks. I feel like such an idiot.

[LJay]

Well, as my sister says, you have to live in the moment. You can't overthink it, since what has happened has happened and you have to go from here, not there. Deep breathing helps.

So cool your jets. If she gets back in touch, ask if she'd like to hang out and go with her answer. Relax.

PS: If you can do all this stuff, great. Me? I'd be sitting in the bathtub wishing I had some weed and nipping at the bourbon while chewing my nails [fingers--toes--I dunno.] to the quick!

[baristajedi]

Well, as my sister says, you have to live in the moment.  You can't overthink it, since what has happened has happened and you have to go from here, not there.  Deep breathing helps.

So cool your jets.  If she gets back in touch, ask if she'd like to hang out and go with her answer.  Relax.

PS:  If you can do all this stuff, great.  Me?  I'd be sitting in the bathtub wishing I had some weed and nipping at the bourbon while chewing my nails [fingers--toes--I dunno.] to the quick!

---

I am doing that exactly, just sitting on the edge of my seat... i feel so stupid, i think i really did mess this up. I'm trying to do the healthier more live in the moment thing but i'm not pulling it off well. lol


how would you feel if a guy sent you a message like the one i sent? Would you think he's a bit too much and run the other way? 

[LJay]

At my age, if someone came on a little too strong to me I would first send them flowers and champagne and then I'd be out in the street dancing.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well, @"baristajedi" it has happened to me too. Best advice I have to is to relax and not let thoughts of her or any one particular thing cloud over your mind. It is very easy to do, you meet someone you not only find attractive but actually genuinely like, have things in common and so on. Head over heels is just the perfect term, I couldn't think of anything better.

I don't have any specific advice now that the cat is out of the bag. I would definitely bring it back down a bit. Unfortunately for me I absolutely went off the rails and ruined it. So, don't do what I did. Give her time, even if it ends up being a couple weeks. These days, I try not to get too excited when things seem unbelievably good. Some people like knowing that you really like them, other people it can seem a bit smothering.

Other things to consider, don't change yourself to try to make someone like you (more). It is different to be influenced, such as exploring new music that your partner or date is into that you also find yourself enjoying. When someone makes remarks about your looks, clothes, thinks one of your hobbies is stupid, or your body...that's what I draw the line. Or in hindsight, where I should have drawn the line. If they can only like you a certain way, then it's just not going to work. So don't bother trying to fit into the mold that someone else wants to you be, be you and if that isn't good enough then f*ck 'em.

It is hard to be objective and think about well, what if the shoe was on the other foot, how would I respond to this. At the end of the day we're all human and we do stupid stuff at some point.

[baristajedi]

At my age, if someone came on a little too strong to me I would first send them flowers and champagne and then I'd be out in the street dancing.

what if it seemed like emotionally too strong? I think it wasn’t too too bad I just seemed to be using words like amazing and absolutely wonderful and kiss/heart face emojis more than her (I feel like a total teenager lol)

And then Saturday the issue was I was in a really crappy mood before seeing her so I was a little distant but still engaged and affectionate, I sort of checked in about it afterwards but she didn’t really address it, and her messages after seemed less bubbly/affectionate/etc.

so this one I sent was a long damn message. I told her o really like her and it’s been playing on my mind a bit that Saturday was off and that maybe her feelings had been changed as a result and not sure she was wanting to see me again...


that message sounds so desperate :/ ugh

---

Well, @"baristajedi" it has happened to me too. Best advice I have to is to relax and not let thoughts of her or any one particular thing cloud over your mind. It is very easy to do, you meet someone you not only find attractive but actually genuinely like, have things in common and so on. Head over heels is just the perfect term, I couldn't think of anything better.

I don't have any specific advice now that the cat is out of the bag. I would definitely bring it back down a bit. Unfortunately for me I absolutely went off the rails and ruined it. So, don't do what I did. Give her time, even if it ends up being a couple weeks. These days, I try not to get too excited when things seem unbelievably good. Some people like knowing that you really like them, other people it can seem a bit smothering.

Other things to consider, don't change yourself to try to make someone like you (more). It is different to be influenced, such as exploring new music that your partner or date is into that you also find yourself enjoying. When someone makes remarks about your looks, clothes, thinks one of your hobbies is stupid, or your body...that's what I draw the line. Or in hindsight, where I should have drawn the line. If they can only like you a certain way, then it's just not going to work. So don't bother trying to fit into the mold that someone else wants to you be, be you and if that isn't good enough then f*ck 'em.

It is hard to be objective and think about well, what if the shoe was on the other foot, how would I respond to this. At the end of the day we're all human and we do stupid stuff at some point.

Head over heels is right and yeah I really just felt so good about her and now I wish I could have paced myself more...

I think the idea is that I really do need to give her space... do you think it would really be like a couple weeks?   I know I need to just accept that she may need space. I really did mess this up :/ 

I think if the shoe were on the other foot I’d be touched by her message, but I think she may have a totally different perspective and might find it worrisome that I’m maybe emotionally immature or smothering as you say, or that it’s just too complicated and not really fun and chilled... urgh

[Rod]

Considering I'm on the receiving end of someone who's coming off really strong
(more on that in a later thread) I would personally just like to not feel the expectation of a crap ton of changes that come with intense emotions.
It puts a drain on my energy when someone dishes out so many intense emotions and there's already enough intense emotions in the world and alot to deal with, only to find your only escape (your loved one or relationship) is also a tidal wave of emotions and problems and so on and so forth. 

What i'm saying is, i wouldn't keep bringing it up and wait for her to bring up those things. If possible i would just drop it- let the smoke clear- and let nature take its course. Dont rush things and don't get so discouraged because its going to show. 

Drop the expectations that she has to show you a response to your emotions and feelings
Don't make her feel pressured to deal with said emotions


Just- 

Play it cool

[baristajedi]

Considering I'm on the receiving end of someone who's coming off really strong
(more on that in a later thread) I would personally just like to not feel the expectation of a crap ton of changes that come with intense emotions.
It puts a drain on my energy when someone dishes out so many intense emotions and there's already enough intense emotions in the world and alot to deal with, only to find your only escape (your loved one or relationship) is also a tidal wave of emotions and problems and so on and so forth. 

What i'm saying is, i wouldn't keep bringing it up and wait for her to bring up those things. If possible i would just drop it- let the smoke clear- and let nature take its course. Dont rush things and don't get so discouraged because its going to show. 

Drop the expectations that she has to show you a response to your emotions and feelings
Don't make her feel pressured to deal with said emotions


Just- 

Play it cool

ok. So write nothing at all until I hear from her I suppose....   I thought about giving it time (not even sure how much time) and just saying hey sorry I made that awkward or hey how’s things but not more than that. 

I have been thinking though probably just literally saying nothing at all is better...

if you were her and you got this message, would you have felt it was super intense? And would you have run the other way?

[InbetweenDreams]

@"baristajedi" I wouldn't say that you messed it up, nor would I say you're emotionally immature. So don't be hard on yourself. You're simply a human drunk on oxytocin (the chemical responsible for making you feel the way you feel right now). Remember you are human and so is she, give her a couple of days and she'll probably message you, might be sooner or might be later. Could be busy, might have got sidetracked on something, who knows. If she doesn't message you back then just leave it at that, but don't conclude that you messed it up. If she doesn't message you back, then realize there are better people out there who are more deserving of your love and affection.

[baristajedi]

@"baristajedi" I wouldn't say that you messed it up, nor would I say you're emotionally immature. So don't be hard on yourself. You're simply a human drunk on oxytocin (the chemical responsible for making you feel the way you feel right now). Remember you are human and so is she, give her a couple of days and she'll probably message you, might be sooner or might be later. Could be busy, might have got sidetracked on something, who knows. If she doesn't message you back then just leave it at that, but don't conclude that you messed it up. If she doesn't message you back, then realize there are better people out there who are more deserving of your love and affection.

we usually write quite a lot through the day... I guess I have to do that, I keep trying to make that feel like what I should do but I also keep wanting to say - hey how’s it going or sorry for the awkwardness. I mean even at this point it’s super unlike us not have spoken by now...

you’re right though, if it falls through we just weren’t right for each other.. ugh this sucks