At what age did you first realise you were gay or bi?

[Chase]

I put 16, but it could be 15 or 17, depending on what you mean by realize.

I was always gay, and like many of us here, I probably would have realized a lot sooner if I had a more accepting childhood. But a major reason why it took me so long is because of how neglected my sex education was. All I learned from my school and parents about puberty was my voice would change and I'd grow pubic hair. No one ever taught me anything about erections, semen, wet dreams, and masturbation. So when I went through puberty, I literally thought I was the only one in the world who experienced those things. I thought I was really sick and there was something seriously wrong with me, so I never asked anyone about it, not even my pediatrician.

By the time I went to high school, the other boys would talk openly about those things (of course they all called it "boners," "cum," and "jacking off"). It made me feel better knowing every boy did it (and a girl shared they masturbate, too). It took me a while to piece it together from all the more adult themed sit coms and B-rated movies I started watching, but by 15 I at least knew I wasn't being possessed or losing my mind. Although I didn't know ejaculation was normal until 16, so I was horrified about all the mysterious goo my body was making for the longest time. Pretty much, the teenage boy version of Carrie White.

Honestly, I think not educating me about those things was neglect and downright abuse.

Anyway, when I was 15, a bully came up in my face and asked me if I jack off to gay thoughts. He did it to torment me, but it really gave me this big epiphany moment. I realized that although masturbation is normal, I'm not "normal" in that I'm doing it to thoughts of guys instead of girls. For a while, I thought I might just have a fetish for the male body, that's what some idiots online said (ahh, good ol' Yahoo Answers), but the idea of being a "fetishist" really made me feel like a fucked up piece of shit. Eventually I figured I just have a "gay thing," and that was better than having a fetish (as a side note, I don't think there is anything wrong with having fetishes now, and am pretty sure everyone has at least one).

For whatever reason, it didn't strike me as a permanent thing. At least one boy in my class said he was gay, then said bi, then said straight, so I figured maybe I could "phase" my way out of it like he did (I ended up seeing him on Grindr years later, oops). It didn't go anywhere, I could never hold images of girls in my mind when I did it (and I HAD to do it), and as I looked up things on how to change my sexuality, it began to grow hopeless. One thing that really stuck with me is the idea that I only had my teenage years to change my sexuality, and it would "stabilize" after that.

I didn't really like the label "confused" at first, but I eventually grew to like it. There was an episode on That 70's Show, where a gay character is talking with Eric, and tells Eric "it's okay to be confused." It was just a joke, in that following him kissing Eric, Eric didn't know what he meant by "confused," but once I understood what it meant, it really stuck with me.

It's hard to pinpoint where exactly I came to the point where I finally said to myself "I'm gay," because naturally, I'd still fall back on my hopes to change my sexuality, or swear off everything. I was also suicidal and clinically depressed (and was neglected treatment), so I always told myself it ultimately didn't matter because I was going to kill myself before I would graduate high school anyway. By 17, I was admitting to myself I'm gay and had given up hopes on changing myself, it might have been 16, I can' really remember.

I do remember going to school the next day I said it to myself, and being more terrified than I normally was.

[Bhp91126]

I wasted my teenage years in the early and mid 80s, but that probably saved me from an HIV infection. I already ogled naked guys when I was 10 or 11 and had first boy-crushes at 6, but wanting to have sex with guys started at 13. But I was rather passive about it, jerking off was enough and there were no opportunities to explore things where I grew up. Off course there were no out gay people I could have contacted. Nothing sexual happened until I was 18 and then it took another 4 dry-spell years to finally come out at 22.

[andy]

@seeking Mine was young too (5) but just a man crush! LOL

By man crush you mean you already had crushes on grown men ? lol

I think I also had it...but I forgot when did it start. I enjoyed too much watching those half-naked action movie heroes in action 

I should rephrase that... meant that I liked my mum's friend's younger student dr. bf who was always nice to me. Not in a sexual way... just in a 5yr old liking way!  I was actually a late starter and didn't bother with dating until in my 20s!

[matty7]

id say 9 . seem to remember plenty of crushes around then - i can date it from songs what bands had out that i liked the singers from lol

[Karl Rand]

I was fascinated from a very early age (4?) by an athletic man in speedos who sunbathed on the beach in front of our house. I didn’t know what gay was ( the word wasn’t being used then) and certainly had no idea about the ‘facts of life’.
I knew I was sexually attracted to both males and females from about age 12. Somehow in my early 20’s lost interest in the female of our species. (apart from getting very stoned and lapsing once.)

[The Goof]

I really enjoy all the stories on this thread. 

I am currently 25 and didn’t have feelings or sexual urges till 16/17. I suppose I was a late bloomer. At 18 I was just pushing to lose my virginity because all my friends had. I rarely watched porn so I didn’t really jack off or push to understand those urges. I also didn’t have a particular crush but then a young guy approached me at college. 

We talked about math and I hated (still do) math. But whenever we talked about it I had a good time. I just thought I found a new hobby but I realized later it was my first crush on the same sex. On the last day of class he said “there’s just not enough time to get to know people in these classes”. I completely froze up and I didn’t give my number like I had wanted to. It was that moment I realized I was 100% attracted to the same sex. Bummer we never got to speak after that; but I’m thankful that it woke me up to me more expressive about my feelings.

[Insertnamehere]

Old thread by this point but who cares.

Found your personal stories interesting. Seems everyone is wildly different.

My story is quite boring tho. I just liked a guy in my class when I was 11. Most people were starting to, you know, like other people and my first was a guy and has been guys ever since. He was a nice dude that transferred that year if I remember correctly (he and his twin sister, she was also very nice, as far as I can remember).

I was never confused or in denial. I knew the name for it, along with other less nice names for it. But I was dead certain I wasn't EVER going to let people know (growing up in LatAm in the 90s my loves. Fun times. Oh how things have changed for the better in good ol Chile in 25-ish years). I was letting people know I liked this or that girl every now and then, because of course I did. I laughed along with the boys to all the "that is gay" "this is gay" bullshit.

I remember mother asking me once and once only if I liked someone. Sorry mom, I had to lie (Yes, guys, 34 year old me is under no delusion that I was able to keep that lie up. Mother is no fool)

Thankfully(?) I passed off as...normal(?) in that regard, so aside from one guy in high school who looked me straight in the eye and said, oh I think you're gay, I wasn't really questioned all that much. Which came in handy because particularly in high school my socially awkward shy quiet personality wasn't really appreciated and I got picked on a lot.

Wasn't really until I was a few years into my work life I started to just let go. There where few instances where I was announcing anything and more just getting on with guys mostly when I was out partying (something I also picked up when I was working. Man, work life messes you up eh?) and then the people around just...knew then and there.

Dumbass. Should have done it in uni. Uni was THE best place for that.

[Rawr]

old thread, but always refreshing to hear new stories. Thank you for sharing.

[Jelle-tje]

I guess I was 15.

[richhix56]

i was in the fifth grade when i started fantasizing about being with a guy. that was 1974,. but after a traumatizing experience I went into the closet for many years and kept it to myself until my older years. I was 11.