I love a co-worker and don't know what to do.

[InbetweenDreams]

@"CodyH" makes a very valid point. Even if this guy is gay, if things go sideways with him later on could be a problem since he does have some contact with some of your co-workers, etc.

[RomanticMan]

It is very hard when you are trying to keep your sexual orientation secret. Since he still speaks to your co-workers I would not risk it. Especially if it might cost you your livelihood. This is a difficult and delicate situation, but keeping a secret relationship is never easy and will always come with big risks. If it was me, even if he was sending mixed signals, I would not even try to pursue him. If it works out great! But the chance of it not working out with the risk to your livelihood is not worth it in my opinion. I always err on the side of caution. Sorry, this must be torture for you....

Actually, for some reason he doesnt text as much as he did at first. Now he's texting but some of them are boring and i just try to make the conversation going. Today, we only texted once and then stopped. I sent an LGBT joke to him and he laughed.

---

@RomanticMan What would be, how shall I say, level 2? Is there some way you could signal to him without being obvious and perhaps let him open up to you... I suppose you could perhaps hang out with him, keep it casual unless he devulges something to you.

Honestly, never been to level 2 haha. So... I really dont know.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well if the text messages are would be called "elevator talk" which would be like "how are you?" "how's the weather?" type stuff, that does get boring. There does need to be more meaningful conversation regardless of whether it is a friendship or something else. What sort of things do you talk about? Do you get any vibe that something has changed?

My thoughts are probably to keep the status quo. Let him divulge that he is gay and it needs to be beyond a shadow of a doubt and I would like @"CodyH" 's said take some caution. I don't know if it is common for random people to go around outing suspected gay people in your country but if it is a thing be careful. People know no limits. Unless you want to roll the dice that is.

[RomanticMan]

Well if the text messages are would be called "elevator talk" which would be like "how are you?" "how's the weather?" type stuff, that does get boring. There does need to be more meaningful conversation regardless of whether it is a friendship or something else. What sort of things do you talk about? Do you get any vibe that something has changed?

My thoughts are probably to keep the status quo. Let him divulge that he is gay and it needs to be beyond a shadow of a doubt and I would like @"CodyH" 's said take some caution. I don't know if it is common for random people to go around outing suspected gay people in your country but if it is a thing be careful. People know no limits. Unless you want to roll the dice that is.

we mostly send things we see on social media. Also, we talk about some career plans etc... We check house prices, thats his hobby indeed. I dont like it much haha. but he's going to move into another city and he checks some houses in those places. We share things we like on Netflix. outing a suspected gay guy happens but i dont know if it's rare or many times happened.

Whats changed is... he texted more befroe but now he's texting rarely for the last 2 days.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well if it has only been 2 days I wouldn't sweat it. People do get busy or just stop talking so much. Hard to say for sure without knowing a ton of detail and then it is still a guess.

Looking back your original post. Is there any other reason you believe is might be gay?

[RomanticMan]

Well if it has only been 2 days I wouldn't sweat it. People do get busy or just stop talking so much. Hard to say for sure without knowing a ton of detail and then it is still a guess.

Looking back your original post. Is there any other reason you believe is might be gay?

Actually, I've sent a message now and we texted for a long time. There is no other reason for me to believe that he might be gay. Actually he's not gay. He's either bisexual or heterosexual. 
We talked and I've JUST learned that he's not transfobic, that also makes him not homophobic I suppose  Sooo... I really do not know what to do or to say as next step. I love him soooo much! I dont wanna make a bad thing to lose him.

[Rod]

Just ask him if he's gay or not. like literally just send the message "You're not gay are you? because if you are i'd like to go out for coffee sometime. But if you're not then that's cool too."

and if you need to hit the red alert button and you dont wanna come out to him say, "LOL, this is his best friend "Emma" and RomanticMan and i are at a party and we took each others phones and are drunk texting everyone, idk you but have a great night byeeeeee"

than claim it was the best party you ever went to and say emma got shitfaced and had to go to the ER and is now attending AA meetings. LOL XD seriously though just ask him. dont even bring your emotions and feelings into it, just ask him if hes into woman or men and bring up the queer conversation. and if he hates gays than you'll DEFINITELY be better off with that knowledge

[IanSaysHi]

Hi

Say you find out he is interested in more, how would it work out going forward? You have said he now lives far away, do you think you could make something work? Or do you think it’s more about just knowing if he would like you in that way?

I would think hard about the pros and cons about finding out and if he can give you whatever you are after long term. Maybe see this as a sign you just want someone in general and pursue easier / more local dating opportunities.

Good luck however it plays out

[RomanticMan]

Just ask him if he's gay or not. like literally just send the message "You're not gay are you? because if you are i'd like to go out for coffee sometime. But if you're not then that's cool too."

and if you need to hit the red alert button and you dont wanna come out to him say, "LOL, this is his best friend "Emma" and RomanticMan and i are at a party and we took each others phones and are drunk texting everyone, idk you but have a great night byeeeeee"

than claim it was the best party you ever went to and say emma got shitfaced and had to go to the ER and is now attending AA meetings.  LOL XD seriously though just ask him. dont even bring your emotions and feelings into it, just ask him if hes into woman or men and bring up the queer conversation. and if he hates gays than you'll DEFINITELY be better off with that knowledge

In a country where homosexuality is considered very bad, nobody is going to say ''Yes, im gay''. But maybe... I can tell ''I dont know what your sexual orientation but if you'd like to meet some day, I'll be here'' or something like that. But I need that COURAGE to say it.

---

Hi

Say you find out he is interested in more, how would it work out going forward? You have said he now lives far away, do you think you could make something work? Or do you think it’s more about just knowing if he would like you in that way?

I would think hard about the pros and cons about finding out and if he can give you whatever you are after long term. Maybe see this as a sign you just want someone in general and pursue easier / more local dating opportunities.

Good luck however it plays out

He's been in a long-distance relationship before. So that wouldnt be a problem to him I suppose. And when it comes to me... I think i could move, it shouldnt be that difficult. it's not more about knowing if he likes me that way. There's been some people I got suspected they might like me but I never cared. If i didnt like him, i wouldn't care honestly.

[InbetweenDreams]

@RomanticMan I don't think that would be a good idea to put it like that. I feel like that would be too easy to make yourself a target.

Given all that has been said, risking your job and career, possibly worse and considering that he might not be gay or bi, are you willing to risk it to find out? I mean it sounds like the only way would be to ask him, but asking him or telling him about yourself might be very bad for you. If you don't think he is gay or doesn't want to be in a relationship with you would you be able to deal with the consequences if it goes bad? If you answer no then as another suggested probably drop it and go on. If you answer yes, then I would ask him.

Unless anyone has any suggestions on how @RomanticMan can tease out this guy's deal without significant risk to career, life, etc. I personally don't see a good way to go about it. If you bring up LGBT subjects, like what do you think about gay people? or whatever is really going to be suspect.

So my question to you @RomanticMan is if he is not into you that way, say you ask him and that's the answer. What are the chances you having popped the question will be bad for you?