Random Jokes

[albabonzai]

Just coz its on the same line..... Why is there no drugs in the jungle??? The Parrots eat them all...get it??? Paracetamol.... No?...oh? oh right then..... Never mind.

[Synaesthete]

Just coz its on the same line..... Why is there no drugs in the jungle??? The Parrots eat them all...get it??? Paracetamol.... No?...oh? oh right then..... Never mind.

O M F G.

My other colleague told me this same joke right after I told mine.
She said her husband says it and it is funny because he does it in a Scottish accent and it works best that way.

How freaky...

[Rychard the Lionheart]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.



The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."



The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.



The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way - he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. Then one day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.



When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."



The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "it's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses,
mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV,
eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[albabonzai]

O M F G.

My other colleague told me this same joke right after I told mine.
She said her husband says it and it is funny because he does it in a Scottish accent and it works best that way.

How freaky...

Hmm, yes i see what you mean, it does come out sounding better in a scots accent. I never realised tho as being Scottish i dont here the scottish accent when i speak lol!!

[Moo Freeman]

A girl came up to her mom and told her "MOMMY MOMMY i got 10 dollars" the mom asked "honey how did u get that" the young girl replied "some guy payed me to do a handstand while he sat up a tree" the mom said sadly "o honey he just did that to see your underwear"
The next day the girl came up to her mom and said " MOMMY MOMMY i got 10 dollars" the mom asked again "how did u get it this time honey" the little girl replied " some guy payed me to do a handstand while he was up in the tree laughing" the mom said in dissapointment "honey did i say he only did that to see your underwear" the girl happily said "yea mommy but i tricked him this time i didnt wear any underwear"

[prinnydood]

rotflol this is one of my favorite threads XD i wish i could remember jokes long enough to tell em. i'll probly look some up tonight

[prinnydood]

Here's some one-liners i found that i find humorous:

-Never buy a car you can’t push.
-Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
-Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
-Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
-Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
-Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
-The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
-The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
-There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
-There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
-They call it “pms” because “mad cow disease” was already taken.
-Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
-Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.

i found some funny gay one-liners, but most were either stupid or offensive, so i didn't post them

ONE-LINERS FTW!!!

[snoopy]

kids know far too much these days .
today in the doctors waiting room, i saw
a little girl playing with her barbie & ken
dolls immitating the doggy position .

i said to her "you,ll end up with little
baby dolls if you keep doing that" she
replied

"i dont think so , he,s doing her up the arse"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer.....and women with big tits."