Random Jokes

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A few for the military.

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.

After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, Retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals."

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During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

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Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir"

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

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Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy"

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

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Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

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An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

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"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

“Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

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The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44 I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[Aaycle]

RychardtheLionheart, tell me your secret to finding these great jokes, please? Or, do you just write them yourself?

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Hi Aaycle.

Many thanks for the compliment, regarding the jokes there is no secret. I have a group of friends who send me jokes, we exchange jokes regularly, many of the jokes have already travelled the world via the net. I do enjoy posting them and by the hits this thread gets I think many other people also enjoy reading them.

I am aware that humour is a personal thing and some will offend someone in this world, but I hope that most people will laugh at them. I do like feedback from people, this does help me select the jokes I will post. Being English I do have a wicked sense of humour, and I do filter out jokes which I know would be offensive to groups of the human race.

I have posted several blonde jokes in another thread, I have no ill feeling against blondes I really do love them, but I work with them and its true they do have blonde moments. I also love the Irish, great people but even they have their moments. Like the pair of Irish building contractors who put a signboard upside down on a building site. yes its true.

More is coming so watch this space.

Rychard the Lionheart

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Quick Eye Exam...

This will blow your mind...!

Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good.

But don't cheat!

Count the number of F's in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!


OK?


How many?

Three?

Wrong, there are six - no joke!

Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

The reasoning is further down...


The brain cannot process the word "OF".

Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius

Three is normal.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[joseph]

what was a fish and icecream. it is a jellyfish

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Warning - This might offend somebody.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and
then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with
him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do
you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to
his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers
and a homo."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Hung Chow call his boss and says: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really
sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel like
this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feelbetter
and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Growing older.

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to many little
things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as
one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a
fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician
told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves
little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's
office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen
and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you
won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better
write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some
strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd
really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a
dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear
him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his
preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.Walking over to his wife,
he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said,
"Hey, where's the toast?"

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.