Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God
bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here
that he was 95 when he died."
"Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy?
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!!!!!!!
•
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
•
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can produce life."
"Is that true, Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful! Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!!"
•
A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn.
It's obvious Gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy.' Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, 'It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here -- hang in there.'
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool Albert.'
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa...
'Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Stevie.'
•
A Human Resources Manager was knocked down, tragically, by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her.
"Before you get settled in" he said, "We have a little problem . . . you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"Oh, I see," said the woman, "Can't you just let me in?"
"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."
"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules . . . " at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound lift.
As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends . . . past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the lift. The lift went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing . . . which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.
At the day's end St. Peter returned."So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven". "You must choose between the two."
The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell". "I
choose hell."
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the lift again and she went back down to hell.
When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."
•
Questions about the Old and New Testaments.
This comes from a Catholic primary school. The pupils were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by some of the children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e. incorrect spelling has been left in).
1) In the first book of the bible, Guinnessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2) Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3) Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4) The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5) Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6) Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7) Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8) The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9) The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10) The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11) Moses died before he ever reached Canada. ThenJoshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12) The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and. he obeyed him.
13) David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.
14) Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15) When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16) When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17) Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18) St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19) Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone".
20) It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21) The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22) The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23) One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24) St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
24) Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
•
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mum a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
•
Cinderella & Her Cat.
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Leon for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Leon, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart yearn for next?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Leon my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man". Magically, Leon suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Leon and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Leon walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close to her, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my b*****ks chopped off now, don't you?"
•
Rychard the Lionheart Wrote:... 21) The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels ... ... and lo they moved quietly among the multitudes.
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