Warning - Rude joke.
A German guy approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex viz you".
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour".
"Ist gut, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky".
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four Large
bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs".
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her
hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees".
She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow Zis vistle as I make love to you."
She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying. The
sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German,
all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational
that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has
recovered the breath to say: "That was totally amazing, what do you call
that?"
"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique".
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
Warning - Another rude joke.
A man enters the confessional and says to the Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."
•
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other.
One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Yea. Why"?
The worker yelled back "His wife's here with his lunch."
•
GRANDMA IN THE COURTROOM
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned!
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
•
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorra,"said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;,
"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
•
a couple driving home late at night run over a badger...
they get out and find that it is still breathing but freezing cold...
husband says "put it between your legs and warm it up"
wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks",
he says "well hold the badgers nose then" :biggrin:
•
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the
man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party
official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether
it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it
officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied...
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".
•
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came"
•
WHY WE SPLIT UP...
She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd have to quit drinking.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that's what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back
•
TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were
deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would
you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.
============================================================================
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are
the facts about the three leading candidates.
Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's
had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college
and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down to next post for the answers.
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