Choosing to live life in solitude

[Anonymous]

Hi Friends,

Is it okay to choose to live life in solitude?


I'm not sure, I just feel that I'm not good in making friends. (Note: I'm in my 30s now.)

The people whom I made friends with in various stages in my life lose interest in keeping contact after that stage is over.

Eg: - The people whom I made friends with in middle school lose contact with me after we went to high school.
      - The people whom I made friends with in high school lose contact with me after we went to college.

I'm not sure if it is common for people to lose contact after a certain stage in life has ended or whether I am an unpleasant person.

I do take the effort to message them to try to keep contact but they don't seem interested in continuing the conversation. Never once did they take the first step to contact me.

And there are some who only contact me when they need help like financially etc. And once they got what they needed, they just disappear again.

And many of them have settled down with spouse and kids, so they stopped contacting as well. 

Sometimes, I think to myself if it is better to live my life in solitude, just doing what I like to do and taking care of my needs. Do you think it's ok to choose to live my life in solitude?

But I am afraid that I might regret having no companions when I grow older (in 40s, 50s etc.). It will be nice to have a close friend whom you can message to and get a reply and also meet up in a restaurant, park etc. and chat with them.

Do you think it is still possible to find a close friend in your 30s? I just feel that I have grown too old to do that already.

[InbetweenDreams]

It is kind of normal to lose contact with or grow apart from people you knew when you were young. However, it is great when you do. Also, can you say you have put in effort to stay in touch with people? I mean the "old me" would say almost exactly the same, that people just stopped staying in touch with me, when really it is I who stopped staying in touch with them, because I am a huge introvert with social anxiety.

I think you need to address why you feel that you're an unpleasant person? I don't think that is true. Sure, no one is perfect but you will learn in life that almost everyone is severely flawed. Everyone is a little weird, most people are insecure about something. There is no real normal, other than the normal that is portrayed on TV and pop culture or often expressed in TV commercials.

There is more that I want to respond with but I have to leave and go somewhere and will be back later with the rest of my response.

[InbetweenDreams]

So here's my response continued....

A lot of people in my life have come and gone, sometimes you grow apart or just have a falling out for various reasons. You said that a lot of people come to you when they need money, well there you go. Some people aren't good friends and that's ok. Those aren't the kind of people you want to surround yourself with anyway.

As far as the people you did try to keep in contact with. Well, I think I would need more context. I mean if its only been "elevator talk" (that is making small talk like, "how about that weather?") that can be boring to people. Sometimes you have be a bit more bold, like you and your wife should come over and have a BBQ or whatever, play board games and have drinks. Then again, some people don't have a personality. You can't expect everyone to respond favorably all the time and just because one person doesn't want your friendship doesn't mean someone else doesn't.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with living a life in solitude, however, how do you really feel about that? Do you really want to be alone? That's a rhetorical question, you do not want to be alone. We are a social species and whether we realize it not, we need relationships. That doesn't mean you have to have close relationships, doesn't mean you need to have a particular number of friends. My sister hangs out with a friend from high school who just happened to end up in the same city she moved to. But that's about it, it's not like she has 20 friends and everyone is throwing parties and shit.

Finally, I think it is totally fine to forget about the people you grew up with that don't want to keep in touch. There's other people in your life or can walk into your life, people you work with, people you interact with in your daily life, people online also count. You do have to put in effort and risk being rejected, it is something many people have a hard time dealing with and that is being rejected. It is very much natural for us to hate the idea of being rejected, dealing with breakups, dealing with being fired or people who don't want to be out friends. The point is carry onward. You have to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and live your life. I don't think for a minute you want to live the rest of your days being alone.

[calgor]

Coincidentally I came across a reference to the following article on twitter earlier today after seeing your post.

https://www.aei.org/articles/mens-social...shrinking/

The gist of the article is that between 1990 and 2021 the percentage of men reporting they had no close friends increased 5 fold from 3 to 15 percent so it appears this is no longer a rarity. Not surprisingly this is more likely to be experienced by men as the percent of women reporting no close friends was 10 percent. Personally I believe these figures are likely to be higher in the gay community, especially among those who are not out, as friendships are complicated by trying to maintain secrecy. It's also worth noting that while many openly gay men form friendships with women, that avenue may be closed to closeted men who would still be seen as being on the make when they approach women. Bottom line is it may no longer simply be a choice to live in solitude, but something for which there is no other option.

[InbetweenDreams]

@calgor Why do you think the social circle is shrinking? I mean if you ask me I wave my finger at social media and smartphones... I'll bet if you broke the survey data down by age that the older folks are the ones that are keeping close friends. I think being on social media inhibits having friends and just gives you enough stimulation to not put yourself out there because it is easier to get on Instagram to get your dopamine kick.

I don't think it is really a choice to live in solitude but rather something that happens. The way people deal with their social anxiety and often feel that it is something they did wrong, that they're the one who is weird, unworthy of friendship and so on. My point is that the reality is, everybody is weird, everyone is flawed and that everyone is worthy of having friends, but you have to put yourself out there. You also have to understand that others may feel the same, they might feel that they are unworthy of your friendship. Also have to know where your energy is going, not everyone wants to be friends and some people don't make good friends (i.e. the person who shows up only when they need money, sex, a favor, etc). I feel that if someone wants to make or keep friends you have to go outside your comfort zone, especially those of us who are introverted, have social anxiety and so on.

I say all that because I deal with social anxiety all the time. I might be better at dealing with it now than I was say, 10...15 years ago, but I am not hitting a dance floor near you lol. It takes a lot of effort to do something you're not used to doing and understanding yourself and people that we're all weird and flawed and it's not you who's the problem. It's just always a better outcome if you can avoid falling in the trap of self-pity.

I don't know, but I am hoping that social media will not become the norm. I have heard that the next generation following generation Z will be more social compared to their parents. We'll see I guess.

[calgor]

@InbetweenDreams There's no doubt some of this is related to social media. I'm certainly guilty of it. So easy to jump on twitter and pass some time anonymously instead of going to the trouble of actually calling someone and talking to them. And as you surmised the article indicates this is more common among younger people.

I must say I'm skeptical that the coming generation will reverse this trend. With kids virtually being born with phones in their hands it's hard to envision that they'll throw them away and spend the time required to form personal relationships. And that's without taking into consideration how robots are expected to become part of our future. Who knows if they'll be what the kids of tomorrow reach out and touch in the coming years.

[Anonymous]

Also, can you say you have put in effort to stay in touch with people?

Yup, it's not much, but I try to message them using chat apps.

I think you need to address why you feel that you're an unpleasant person?

Not sure why, but it makes me feel like something is wrong with me when people avoid me in conversations. It makes me feel like I am not worthy of friendships or conversations.

I mean if its only been "elevator talk" (that is making small talk like, "how about that weather?") that can be boring to people.

Yes, you are right. Most of my conversations are like that. I think maybe because I'm not a good conversation starter.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with living a life in solitude, however, how do you really feel about that? Do you really want to be alone?

I understand there are many motivational sayings that we must love ourselves, be comfortable being alone etc.

But still, it is desirable to have someone else to talk to.

Like talking about the old school days, college days, ex-company days etc.

Commenting about how the food is like (whether it's nice or not) while eating it together in a restaurant/cafe.

(Reminds me of a "friend" who likes to eat outside with me in the past but expects me to pay the bill every time.)

Playing a games like chess with another person. It's definitely different from playing computerized chess game.

I'm not saying that I want to be with another person 24/7. It's just that it's nice to have someone to talk to.

[IanSaysHi]

You can make good friends at any age. Older family members have done so.

From my personal point of view, my closest friendships are with friends where we may not see each other every week, month, or in some cases only get to see once a year, but when we do meet up we find we continue our conversations, catch ups etc as though no time has passed. There is no pressure and no expectations.

I find the friendships that don’t endure are the ones where someone is very needy and doesn’t like it when I don’t want to do something or have plans with someone else. I had a relatively close friend I had to give up simply because when I moved and changed jobs I was exhausted and didn’t have much free time out of work. In my mind however there was no issue but my friend started asking what they had done wrong / why wasn’t I calling them all the time etc. I explained there was nothing wrong, I just worked different hours but then I started being accused of ghosting and demanded to be told what they had done wrong. This was actually what broke the friendship for me as in my mind, there was no issue and I had explained why I could not contact them every day, and I now felt uncomfortable having the friendship analysed.

[InbetweenDreams]

I think you need to address why you feel that you're an unpleasant person?

Not sure why, but it makes me feel like something is wrong with me when people avoid me in conversations. It makes me feel like I am not worthy of friendships or conversations.

[quote='InbetweenDreams' pid='734536' dateline='1641747812']
I mean if its only been "elevator talk" (that is making small talk like, "how about that weather?") that can be boring to people.

Yes, you are right. Most of my conversations are like that. I think maybe because I'm not a good conversation starter.

Perhaps you can go into detail about a conversation you had where someone avoided talking to you? Elevator talk is fine but if the conversation doesn't go anywhere beyond that it can be uninteresting. Conversation starters can be something you have in common with the person you're talking to. Can be anything, like this very conversation we're having here for instance.

So I feel like there's something more here.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with living a life in solitude, however, how do you really feel about that? Do you really want to be alone?

I understand there are many motivational sayings that we must love ourselves, be comfortable being alone etc.

But still, it is desirable to have someone else to talk to.

Like talking about the old school days, college days, ex-company days etc.

Commenting about how the food is like (whether it's nice or not) while eating it together in a restaurant/cafe.

(Reminds me of a "friend" who likes to eat outside with me in the past but expects me to pay the bill every time.)

Playing a games like chess with another person. It's definitely different from playing computerized chess game.

I'm not saying that I want to be with another person 24/7. It's just that it's nice to have someone to talk to.

I mean I have a hard time "loving myself," and to be honest I don't know that I do, sometimes I am comfortable being alone and at other times I really hate it. I don't think most people want to be around others all the time and being around someone else doesn't require constant attention. Like going on a walk with someone, you can stare off into space while doing that.

[eastofeden]

From my personal point of view, my closest friendships are with friends where we may not see each other every week, month, or in some cases only get to see once a year, but when we do meet up we find we continue our conversations, catch ups etc as though no time has passed. There is no pressure and no expectations.

I find the friendships that don’t endure are the ones where someone is very needy and doesn’t like it when I don’t want to do something or have plans with someone else. I had a relatively close friend I had to give up simply because when I moved and changed jobs I was exhausted and didn’t have much free time out of work. In my mind however there was no issue but my friend started asking what they had done wrong / why wasn’t I calling them all the time etc. I explained there was nothing wrong, I just worked different hours but then I started being accused of ghosting and demanded to be told what they had done wrong. This was actually what broke the friendship for me as in my mind, there was no issue and I had explained why I could not contact them every day, and I now felt uncomfortable having the friendship analysed.

^^^^THIS^^^^
You summed up my own thoughts perfectly