Choosing to live life in solitude

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you can go into detail about a conversation you had where someone avoided talking to you? Elevator talk is fine but if the conversation doesn't go anywhere beyond that it can be uninteresting. Conversation starters can be something you have in common with the person you're talking to. Can be anything, like this very conversation we're having here for instance.

So I feel like there's something more here.

Normally in a conversation, I will start off like this:

Hi

How are you

What's your name

Where are you from

Are you working or studying currently

What are your favourite hobbies

What are your favourite food

etc.

The conversation will end after that whereby the other person had to leave.

I will tell them bye and say that I had a nice time talking to him/her.


Sounds like a boring conversation though lol.

[doubletrouble]

It's OK to choose solitude. Don't know if it's OK for you. My life is very solitary. I'm married, but we ran out of things to say to each other years ago. I discuss politics online a lot, but if she and I discuss politics, we often argue ... even if we essentially agree. Every conversation turns into a debate. We're always exploring the space of disagreement rather the space of agreement.

Aside from my wife, I encounter practically no one in real life. I work from home and only have coworkers online. I visit family occasionally, but they're hundreds of miles away, and I don't communicate much with them electronically. I have no close friends in real life aside from my wife. If I have any friends, they're virtual or friends from the past that I see rarely as when my mother died recently.

Could I be happier? I can always imagine myself happier, but I don't know what another life would be like.

[ChadCoxRox]

Perhaps you can go into detail about a conversation you had where someone avoided talking to you? Elevator talk is fine but if the conversation doesn't go anywhere beyond that it can be uninteresting. Conversation starters can be something you have in common with the person you're talking to. Can be anything, like this very conversation we're having here for instance.

So I feel like there's something more here.

Normally in a conversation, I will start off like this:

Hi

How are you

What's your name

Where are you from

Are you working or studying currently

What are your favourite hobbies

What are your favourite food

etc.

The conversation will end after that whereby the other person had to leave.

I will tell them bye and say that I had a nice time talking to him/her.


Sounds like a boring conversation though lol.

I'm sort of out of context here, but what you describe sounds like an interview rather than a conversation. It is very easy for someone to sense that an effort to converse is happening, that it may feel "staged" or "forced," and that may or may not promote awkward thoughts or feelings. So the very best way to deal with that in "natural" conversation is to speak truth about yourself rather than prompting for responses. "Sorry, I don't mean to sound like an interviewer. I'm just being friendly," and maybe even, "sorry if it comes across weird," and/or "I'm just asking because I want to be friends." The truth, 9 times out of 10, will save the day! Always be prepared to back off and let it go if the person happens to be the "one out of ten."

[calgor]

The worse kind of question you can ask is one that invites a one word answer. Just a couple from the ones you listed. How are you? Fine. What's your favorite food? Pizza. On the other hand questions that invite more of a response at least provide the opportunity for the other person to stretch the conversation. For example I could ask if you like gayspeak. You could answer yes or no. On the other hand I could ask what you think about gayspeak. This invites you to express your opinion which could then lead to more things to talk about. Now of course you could still just say I like it. I could then ask what do you like about it? Again that invites you to provide something specific. Now if you shrugged and mumbled I don't know I'd be inclined to give up and move on figuring you just weren't interested in talking to me.

[eastofeden]

The worse kind of question you can ask is one that invites a one word answer. Just a couple from the ones you listed. How are you? Fine. What's your favorite food? Pizza. On the other hand questions that invite more of a response at least provide the opportunity for the other person to stretch the conversation. For example I could ask if you like gayspeak. You could answer yes or no. On the other hand I could ask what you think about gayspeak. This invites you to express your opinion which could then lead to more things to talk about. Now of course you could still just say I like it. I could then ask what do you like about it? Again that invites you to provide something specific. Now if you shrugged and mumbled I don't know I'd be inclined to give up and move on figuring you just weren't interested in talking to me.

That is a good point and my first thought as well. 

I think letting the person see who you are by just relaxing and talking is a much better way to meet someone. 

The 20 questions thing would make me uncomfortable

[IanSaysHi]

Normally in a conversation, I will start off like this:

Hi

How are you

What's your name

Where are you from

Are you working or studying currently

What are your favourite hobbies

What are your favourite food

etc.

The conversation will end after that whereby the other person had to leave.

I will tell them bye and say that I had a nice time talking to him/her.


Sounds like a boring conversation though lol.

These questions remind me of when I go get a haircut or get in a taxi. I *loathe* these conversations and will try to show as little interest as possible to try and end it. Questions that can trigger emotions - joy, laughter, even displeasure or start debate - are what interest me and I love people who can go off tangent or can share unique stories. Obviously it can be difficult having the confidence to initiate any of this but I often find humour breaks down a lot of walls. I wouldn’t just say “did you hear the one about..” because it just sounds forced/awkward/out of place, but if someone says something and you can follow up with some humorous insight or follow up it can help relieve any initial tension.

[InbetweenDreams]

Normally in a conversation, I will start off like this:

Hi

How are you

What's your name

Where are you from

Are you working or studying currently

What are your favourite hobbies

What are your favourite food

etc.

The conversation will end after that whereby the other person had to leave.

I will tell them bye and say that I had a nice time talking to him/her.


Sounds like a boring conversation though lol.

If you read that and concluded that sounds like a boring conversation then think how could that be changed so that it isn't a boring conversation. I think @IanSaysHi said something about conversations he might have while getting a haircut. Well, suppose you are getting a haircut, how could you have a meaningful conversation while getting a haircut? Often the hair stylist might ask a question, might relate to the weather, something like "did you get any snow this weekend?" after a cold front went through. I might say yes and depending on how the conversation goes, maybe they make a remark about how crazy the weather is. I might respond with how I went storm chasing a few years ago. While that might not be interesting to them, a lot of people, that's an attention getter. Not many people go storm chasing and many people think that its dangerous among other things. So you kind of have a skeleton of how to turn something boring like "how's the weather?" to a conversation about storm chasing. But it can be anything, perhaps they have a T-shirt of a rock band you like and you just saw them in concert. Sometimes you can make observations like that. Although sometimes that doesn't work out and they tell you that it's their husbands shirt or whatever, then you might insert "what kind of music do you like?"

The point is you have to get someone's interest by getting their attiention or making an observation. Now, not all people want to open up. To be honest, when I go get a haircut I'm perfectly content with sitting there in silence, but if a conversation starts and it's something interesting I'm find to talk too.

It's OK to choose solitude. Don't know if it's OK for you. My life is very solitary. I'm married, but we ran out of things to say to each other years ago. I discuss politics online a lot, but if she and I discuss politics, we often argue ... even if we essentially agree. Every conversation turns into a debate. We're always exploring the space of disagreement rather the space of agreement.

Aside from my wife, I encounter practically no one in real life. I work from home and only have coworkers online. I visit family occasionally, but they're hundreds of miles away, and I don't communicate much with them electronically. I have no close friends in real life aside from my wife. If I have any friends, they're virtual or friends from the past that I see rarely as when my mother died recently.

Could I be happier? I can always imagine myself happier, but I don't know what another life would be like.

I don't disagree that it is ok to choose solitude, but... I don't think you really want solitude, so why settle or accept it? I don't know how conversations about politics go with your wife, but might be better to bring up topics that might not go sour.

One could say that my life is in solitude. I don't hang out with friends everyday and I'm definitely not the life of the party, but I do enjoy talking to people, especially when there's things in common.

I think often the problem is not that we want solitude, or choose solitude. We just run out of time. We work all week, come home tired and difficult to make plans with people, especially with family that might be hours away. For example, I seldom get to make plans with my sister around the holidays simply because she works at a hospital and often has to work holidays or overtime.


Above all, I do think it is one's best interest to enjoy their own company. I also think we, being the social creatures we are, seek social interaction with others. Doesn't mean you have to discuss the meaning of the universe with a stranger, but sometimes that small talk on the elevator can be fulfilling on some level. Although, I'd rather not be on an elevator with a bunch of strangers being the introvert that I am.

[InbetweenDreams]

@Anonymous I also get the impression that maybe you're overthinking it. Perhaps you're anxious and just lock up and think "what the fuck do I say...?" Am I on the right track or am I off-base here?

[Anonymous]

@Anonymous I also get the impression that maybe you're overthinking it. Perhaps you're anxious and just lock up and think "what the fuck do I say...?" Am I on the right track or am I off-base here?

Actually you are quite right. Halfway during the conversation, I'm like starting to worry on how to continue the conversation because I was running out of things to talk about.

And to make things worse, the other person doesn't initiate any new topics or try to make the conversation going.

It's really tough if you are the only person putting in effort to make the conversation ongoing.

[Anonymous]

The point is you have to get someone's interest by getting their attiention or making an observation. Now, not all people want to open up. To be honest, when I go get a haircut I'm perfectly content with sitting there in silence, but if a conversation starts and it's something interesting I'm find to talk too.

I have a weird experience at the barbers.

The barber which I always go regularly to have my haircut will have lengthy conversations with other customers talking about economy, local news, spouse, children etc. while cutting their hair.

But when he cuts my hair, there will be total silence that I would sometimes wonder if there is a problem with my hearing.

But as I grow older, I don't really bother whether the barber is interested to talk to me or not. As long as he cuts my hair properly, I'm fine with it.

Plus, he charges a bit cheaper compared to other barbers near my place. So I don't mind.

PS: Sorry if I sound hurtful in this post. I did not mean to hurt anybody with this post. I just wanted to share my experience with the barber because I have not talked to anyone about this barber experience before.