Upsetting Attraction

[JDD22]

 Hi, thanks for dropping in!

   My parents bought our first home near my high school in the late 90s. When they finally had extra income, they got us our first computer and dial-up internet connection. This was about the time when I first hit puberty; on my private time, I made a secret file on the computer and saved countless pictures of men that I found attractive.

   Over the years, it's as though I've been conditioned to be attracted to just handsome, British soldier guys—I felt so bad for other gentlemen in the past that were not very attractive who were kind enough to hit on me.

   I dove into a severe depression by the time I entered high school, only for it to get unimaginably worse a few years after college—the mall; a party; with family and friends at a restaurant—every time I witnessed a guy that I was attracted to, the emotions in my chest would release into a silent yet virulent barrage of deafening depression; acute animosity; or even bitter and dispirited jealousy. I'd have to excuse myself from a gathering to go smoke a cigarette or blast the music on my ear-buds.

   Respectively, it had a tremendous impact on my self-worth, value, and bodily image.

   The recollection of myself within the passed few years have been vitally successful, however. I did a lot of self-help recently to "cast a barrier" so-to-speak around myself whenever I witness a guy that I find attractive, but it still could use a little more work to smooth out the rough edges. I tell myself that there's more to a person than simply their appearance—what you know, and what you look like defines who you are as a person. I try to reason with myself by saying, "Guys like that don't acknowledge you so why should you do the same for them?"

   —About a week ago, I was watching a game show on my flat screen where I was presented with those countless situations I've experienced before. The guy on the show I found attractive and I was, for some enigmatic reason, compelled to shut off the television; put on some depressing music; and smoke heavily outside. I did not feel nice at all.

   I bounced back from that incident a couple days later, wondering why I reacted that way.

   Knowing all this, my questions to you are:

• Have you ever experienced a similar situation?
  
• How did you handle it?
  
• What do you do to combat this type of event?
  
• Do you have any phrases or important sayings that you tell yourself so you're apt at enduring such things?
  

   I wish that my parents had talked to me about things like this as to save me the wordless trouble in the future; but, the damage has been done; time to learn from it and move on. One of the only solutions I can think of to this problem is—well—get a romantic partner; although, I'm not exactly interested in that anymore. It's more of this attraction that, at times, I'd like to rip right out of my system and toss out into space—never to be found again.

   Well, I appreciate anyone who's at least given this thread a view.

 Stay beauteous; inside & out.