About having a family

[Anonymous]

Wanted to discuss about an issue which has been bugging me for some time.

Recently, one of my ex-high school mates (he's a straight guy) posted a post in his Facebook account. He recently had a child. (He was already married a year ago). He posted saying that he feels like a complete person now after being blessed with both a spouse and child.

His post made me reflect upon myself. Am I missing a lot in my life?

I would like to share a few details about myself. I chose to never have children even if I managed to find a life partner (I'm gay btw.). 

Why? There are a few reasons.

One reason is that I don't have the confidence to raise a child. I'm not sure if I will be able to keep working and provide for my child. I'm single right now and sometimes I resign after working in a full-time job for 2 years or so and take a small break from working before finding the next full-time job. If I have a husband and child, I will always be pressured to keep having a job and earning money.

Another reason is psychological issues. I have read that it is possible that children might inherit issues like low self-esteem or anxiety from their parents if their parents are suffering from it.
Both of my parents had issues like low self-esteem, antisocial behavior etc. They selfishly wanted a child (me) and I feel that part of the reason why I suffer from low self-esteem and social anxiety when young is because I inherited from them. I don't want to be a selfish person like my parents and have a child and make him suffer by letting him inherit these issues from me.


Also, I am not really a patient person. I think a person who wants to be a parent needs a lot of patience because children can sometimes throw tantrums and the parents must be very patient to handle them.

Also, I have been brought up by strict ways of parenting. My parents would not allow me to go to my friends' house or communicate with other children through telephone (this was in the mid 90s). To them, a obedient child is someone who only goes to school and comes back home and focuses only on his schoolwork with no social contact and not going out anywhere else for entertainment. They wanted other people to praise them for raising an obedient child. They were successful in doing so, they did receive compliments from others but my life was ruined due to their parenting. I am not able to socialise normally with other people now even as an adult.

I don't want to raise my child like that, but I have only been raised with toxic parenting methods and I don't think I am capable of having good parenting skills to be a good parent to my child.

Having said that, I have to admit that deep somewhere in my heart, I do have a small desire of having a husband and child and experience the happiness in having a family. It's just that I'm not sure if I am capable to afford such a desire.

Reading posts like the one I mentioned earlier, watching online videos of dads cuddling and playing with their kids does make me feel a bit envious and sad sometimes. It makes me feel if I am denying myself of happiness in life. I'm just concerned whether I will feel regret for "not attempting to have a child" when I am in old age.

[CellarDweller]

having a child to be 'complete' is an awful reason to have one. Another is when a couple is having issues, and they have a child to 'cement' the relationship.

One should only have a child when they are emotionally mature enough to handle the stress and complications of having a child.

[Cridders88]

First of all @Anonymous, I am really sorry your parents treated you that way growing up. What an awful thing to want from your child. I really don't understand it. I'm sorry for the issues you now face as a result of this upbringing.

I've never really wanted children. Similar reasons to you with having the lack of patience to bring a child up, also, for me, I consider myself to be too selfish with my time. I feel I would probably end up resenting any children I would have. Part of me has wondered if my views will change as I continue to age and whether I would have any regrets about not having children when really it has become too late. That wondering will probably always be there, but it is not a reason for me to raise a child when I know it wouldn't be best for that child.

Children aren't for everyone. They don't automatically equate to happiness. However, you shouldn't feel that you will automatically pass down any mental health issues that you have. I am sure not every Mum and Dad out there are completely free of mental health issues - it affects most people at one stage or another. Life is tough afterall.

I guess what I am trying to put across is that deciding to have children is a massive thing. But also, it's not for everyone and (easier said than done of course), your path to happiness will be different to other people so you shouldn't compare yourself to others. Your school friend is married and now has a child, that doesn't mean you're missing out, it just means your path is different, at least for now.

Find what makes you happy. Work on yourself, go at your own pace