How to handle a serious break-up?

[TigerLover]

I just left my boyfriend of 4 years. It hurts like hell, I feel so incredibly guilty. I had to do it but I really didn't want to. I still love him but he wants to get married and I don't want to marry him. 

Oh god this is terrible. I'm going to miss him so much but knowing I'm hurting him even worse makes me want to scream. 

He wants no contact but I want to help him. 

Any advice on healing myself and helping him to heal? 
I can still communicate through a mutural friend.

[Cridders88]

I am really sorry to hear this @TigerLover

I have only experienced one breakup in my life, and that was a relationship that was far less than 4 years long. All I will say is no contact was the best option for me anyway. It is the hardest option, as of course you still care for him, but, and especially as these are his wishes, it will be less confusing and in the long term easier for him this way. At the time, for me at least, it was very hard, I constantly wanted to reach out to him, but that eventually passed. I think the process of getting to that stage would have taken longer if we were still in contact.

This advice, of course, is only applicable of there really is no way of you guys working things out? Wanting different things on this scale is tough and I know you won't have taken this decision lightly.

Maybe you can find out how he is doing through the mutual friend but I wouldn't do any more than that.

Big hugs to you in this tough time man.

[eastofeden]

My advice is to take it day by day.

Breakups are never easy and there can be a lot of different feelings and emotions and reactions and that can change daily.

Other than that I don't think there is any easy answer but do handle yourself with integrity and in the end you will be someone whom you can respect.

[CellarDweller]

This may sound harsh, but you can't help him heal. He has to do that on his own.

If he wants no contact, then you need to respect that. You don't get to tell him "we're not a couple anymore" and then keep in touch against his wishes. That only hurts him more.

If in the future he decides he wants to hear from you, then you can contact him.

If you truly don't want to marry him, but he wants marriage, then you did the right thing. You've given him freedom to find someone who will want the same thing he wants.

You also need to give yourself time to heal. Be gentle with yourself.