Did I Ruin The Relationship?

[applepieohmy]

I first met my boyfriend online back in October of 2008. We spoke by phone on several occasions....... We then met in person in Feb, of 2009 in Los Angeles. A week later he asked me to move in. I was his first boyfriend he asked to come live with right away. He took me to a gay mens volleyball. Everything seemed so good. However, I kept pushing him away with my drama of asking him if he likes me, if we boyfriends and if I am good looking. This annoyed him and to top it all- he was annoyed by my lack of how to iron clothes and put a wood floor together.

My BF use to kiss me on the lips and this goes back to even July of 2009 after my 7 day vacation. He even taxed me when I AWAY saying he missed me. He gave me a big hug.

Well, over the past 2 or 3 months my boyfriend no longer kisses me, but still has sex with me and hugs me. He told me 3 times he does not love me or want to be my boyfriend. He says he wants someone more mature.......

I know two of his ex's use to beat him up and cheat on him. His husband of 4 years killed himself.

All I done is love my boyfriend and cared for him. I done his job around our apartment complex as he is a property manager but I done all the work. My BF has bought me a cell phone and a cold plate for my computer. Last night he gave me a blanket so I won't be cold.

My BF seems to ignore me and talk more with his ex's and friends. However, he does talk to me when I don't bring up our relationship.

What do you think the real problem is? Did my insecurity push him away? Is our relationship fixable and if yes, how so? Should I not mention our relationship? Please help.

[curt-88]

I would say just give him some space and give him a chance to miss you. and see how that goes first.

[marshlander]

Not much information to go on, but it does sound like he is feeling a little claustrophobic. Not easy for you, I know, but appearing to be in his face all the time is going to make him struggle for more space. The danger with letting go is that you both might live to regret what you thought you wanted. You cannot, though, make someone love you.

Good luck.

[applepieohmy]

Thank you for some feedback so far.

Let me add- at times I did not handle things correctly. This was my first relationship. That being said, I never called my BF names nor cheat on him or beat him. I just questioned our relationship at times asking if he likes me and if I am cute? This annoyed him and I feel pushed him away. But I've tried to talk to him and he seems to ignore me. He goes on facebook and will smile and talk to his friends.

I know he has stress cause of his credit card debt and both working and going to school. I understand that he is trying to better his life. He was once at a place where I am currently at- I am looking for a better job and would love to go back to school.

As I mentioned earlier- my BF has had ex's cheat on him, beat on him and etc. Sure I had some drama(we all do) but I loved him and cared for him. When I try to have an adult conversation he tells me I am being dramatic.

As I also said earlier, he has bought me a cell phone and a bike. He did this with out me asking or bugging him.

I'd like to make this work but I think he has closed his heart in having me as a boyfriend. He said he'll give me until April of 2010 to see if my drama is truly gone and improved my maturity. I do not know if he means that and if this will work out.

He has had 8 ex's in 12 years..........Now he says he wants someone like Billy, one of his ex's and I am like he had Billy..........what is he talking about.

I will add this- when I was working and he too- I'd come home and wanna give him a hug and talk for just 10 minutes. This annoyed him and now has pushed him away. He told me so last night. So I am romantic and care. Is that a bad thing?

So my drama of asking am I cute? Are we boyfriends and wanting to hug him when he comes home and gets on PC to read news all pushed him away? If yes, can this be fixed by April?

Would leaving him for a month or so work? Or would he say okay and go on dates and fall in love with someone else?

I've gone away before and he ends up missing me. But yet says he just wants to be friends.

I do not know what to think or do.

[marshlander]

Oh, dear, this all sounds rather horrible. I don't envy your situation. Something definitely does not add up, does it? The stress of going to school, working, establishing the business you both have along with debt (specially under present circumstances) sounds like a nightmare. You sound like you are doing what you can to support him and when you do seek a little affirmation for yourself it seems to be the last straw for him. I think we had a similar discussion about this before? The question is really how long do you think you can cope with all this? Is this how you see your life panning out into the future? If you are living for one target ultimatum now, what's stop him setting another and another after that?

It sounds like he needs to have that adult conversation you've tried to have with him, but he also has to meet you part way there. If he can't do that the ball is in your court.

Eight ex-boyfriends in twelve years sounds like quite a lot to me. It sounds like there was hardly any time to get over the thrill of being in love before finishing a relationship. Maybe the thought of having to face dealing with the less frantic plateau of being together is not something he can manage.

Maybe the stress in his life really is getting to him. You could decide to be that silent support that he seems to want, but a relationship comes from both parties being able to give something of themselves when they really don't always feel it. Is this temporary, do you think? It seems to have been going on for a while now.

[peterinmalaga]

I don't like this April thing. It seems like a threat to me. I'm sure that is not the sort of relationship you want. He seems a bit screwed up to me - maybe we all are but this is not easy to live with. It seems to me that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work but that he doesn't know what he wants really. That doesn't look very good for the future, I'm afraid. He is undermining your self-esteem and then holding it against you that your self-esteem is low. You deserve better than this. You have nothing to blame yourself for. In your position I would be looking for another boyfriend but take your time, you've got till April. Make sure your next lover knows what “maturity” means. I think that people who use that word too much are the most immature people. For me an important part of maturity is showing appreciation for what you've got.
PS I hate it when people say I'm cute, not that they say it so much these days. I want to be handsome, intelligent, strong and hung like a horse and young would be quite nice too – not cute. You are young, strong and handsome, you just haven't found the man who appreciates that yet.

[betrayed]

I know two of his ex's use to beat him up and cheat on him. His husband of 4 years killed himself.

How do you know this - did he tell you that, or did you find that out from somewhere/someone else? Are you sure he's telling the truth? I hate to be cynical, but sometimes people say things like that purely because they want pity or sympathy, and it's when you take pity on someone that you become easier to manipulate. As for the stress caused by the credit card debts - he brought that on himself, you shouldn't feel bad about it. Be careful about how many allowances you make for other people's feelings. If they're prepared to make allowances for yours in return, that's fine, but it sounds like he's not giving you too many breaks.

The title of your thread ("Did I ruin the relationship?") makes it sound as though you're blaming yourself for all the problems, and while he might find certain aspects of your behaviour annoying, it sounds like he's basically just using you as a workhorse and giving you a few small incentives here or there to keep you hanging on. What's more, he is making you feel as if you're the one who is at fault, which is even worse. If he has told you three times he doesn't love you and says he wants to be with someone else, why do you think he hasn't ended the relationship completely?