Unnaccepting family...

[JACOB-GABRIEL]

Things are so not well.

My brother has known i was gay for the past few years, i am currently 21. However, my brother outed me to my whole family and that was so uncool! By dropping a bomb like that on them, of course theyre going to react badly. I specifically told him not to tell anyone and he thought it would be entertaining to tell everyone---my brothers, my sister who i consider as my best friend and my mother. My mum was cool with gay people until my siblings poisoned her mind to think otherwise and now she has a completely different outlook to what she originally had. So ive been threatened to be kicked out if she discovers any of this is true. This is so not the right time because ive got exams and everything going on at the moment and instead i have all this on my mind.

Im incredibly close to my sister and i thought she would be understanding but she reacted the worst and said im going through a phase. I was like a phase for 21 yrs...seems like a pretty long time considering its a phase lol. Well, she said that i should repress these feelings, which im not going to do because i told her that im going to follow my heart and my family is not going to be there to support me every step of the way and i know that now. Ultimately i said to her that if im happy and i found someone i love---looking past gender---my family and her in particular should be happy too. She replied by saying that if her son (Isaac in the pics) was gay she would disown him and i was like what happened to unconditional love and that i would love my child no matter what. Plus she told my mother who was upset (whilst i was not around) that it was all a lie and that i fancy chicks not lads.

It feels like im being forced back into the closet again and i dont want to because it took so long for me to accept who i am.

My friends have been there for me and i told them that i want to be honest with myself.

I honestly dont know what to do???

[fredv3b]

Hi JG,

Welcome to GaySpeak, I hope you enjoy it here.

The best advice I can give is something my bf pointed out to me when I came out to my parents. You have had 21 years to get used to the fact that you are gay, your family have only had a number of weeks (I guess) to get used to the information. A big part of what you need to do is give your parents time. So what else should you do? Obviously, concentrate on your exams. (Yes I know that is easier said than done.)

No, it wasn't fair, your brother outing you to your parents. However don't try to get your own back, right now you can't afford to make enemies within your family right now. Neither is your sister's behaviour fair, telling you to repress your feelings and telling your mother that you are not really gay. You need to get her to stop, but again don't try and make an enemy.

So ive been threatened to be kicked out if she discovers any of this is true.

Sorry for asking a stupid question, but I am not clear on what 'any of this is'. I thought you said that your brother had told your mother (as well as your other siblings) that you are gay, did she not believe him, or have I misunderstood something?

I think that you should try to undo some of the damage your siblings have done to her opinions. Your mother used to be 'cool' about gay people, did she have any particular reason for that? Perhaps a gay person she knows, or used to? If so you could try and gently remind her, get her to remember why she used to think as she did about gay people.

That's the best of my advice, I am sure others will give their's.

Good Luck

[JACOB-GABRIEL]

Hi Fred,
thanks for your reply. I appreciate it a lot. :o)

My brother told my mum i was gay and later my sister told her that he was lying and that im in fact straight. I guess she was worried about my mother because she has been through a lot lately. I had no intention of telling her until the time was right.

Whilst i was working on my assignment, she came into my room and said that if she finds out that i am in fact gay like my brother says then she would show me the door without looking back. It was obvious she was upset when she said that because it appeared as though she was crying before.

My mum was accepting of my friends who are gay because she believes that God created them that way. She is of the view that homosexuality is not a choice. However, she does not agree with 2 men living together and sharing a bed.

She was easy to talk to until my brother made things worse by outing me and then claiming that anyone who tells me that its right are doing wrong. He has known about my sexuality for quite some time now but he thought it would be entertaining to out me in front of everyone when i specifically told him not to because it did not concern him and that its a very serious issue.

Hope i cleared things up :o)

Jacob

[fredv3b]

Jacob, I have to say I really don't envy your position. It really can't be easy trying to deal with your mother and her feelings, when your siblings are deliberately being unhelpful and trying to stir things up.

Would I be right in assuming that your mother is religious? Its interesting that she believes that God intended there to be gay people, but that homosexual acts are wrong. I wonder whether this contradiction might be a way of getting her to change her mind? Could you get her to ask herself why God intended there to be gay people, if he thought they should spend their lives without ever finding love? That is only a very tentative suggestion, you know your mother, I don't, so use your discretion.

If its any consolation, your not the first guy this has happened to and, sadly, you won't be the last.

[JACOB-GABRIEL]

Thanks Fred,
I will ask her but i remember her saying that men and women are meant to be together not 2 men.

I will definitely find her stand on why she thinks gay people were created by God but cant be in a same-sex relationship. I agree it is contradictory.

Thanks again

x

[marshlander]

Hi Jacob-Gabriel,

What a terrible situation to be in. I am so sorry to hear that you are having to go through this. Fred has given you some of his excellent advice. He has also been far more reasonable than I might be. I am normally pretty non-violent, but had my brother done that to me I would be very tempted to smack him in the head Fred's right though. It's probably best to do what you can to limit the damage rather than risk making it worse. Your brother has a lot of growing up to do. I don't know how to start commenting on the way your sister has betrayed you :mad:

You are right. For your own sanity and peace of mind there can be no going back in the closet. If you get the chance to talk things through sensibly with your mum I'm sure you will want to assure her that you are still the same person as you always were, you appreciate the values she brought you up to accept and that you are sorry that she is having to face up to this news before you were ready to share it. You know you were not trying to deceive her; does she understand that? I appreciate that a family discussion without resorting to emotive posturing is often very difficult. Your mum's response must have taken you aback. Is she the kind of person who is able to backtrack a little or do you think she will stand her ground once she has stated her position? If the former you might want to guide her to a group local to you, the Birmingham Parents Support Group. She should find plenty of food for thought through this organisation or through the national support group for parents and families of lesbians, gay and bisexual people FFLAG

I also thoroughly recommend the interesting documentary, "" featuring John Barrowman, although if she doesn't like John Barrowman, she may not want to..However, I suggest you give it a look if you have time. You sound pretty confident, but it never hurts for a bit of self-affirmation from time to time

That's all I can think of for now, but we all understand your plight and wish you well. Keep in touch with us here and we will do what we can to support you.

Very best wishes.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Hi. Jacob.

I agree with Fred, giving good advice is hard sometimes. Brothers can be a real pain in the rear, he sounds like a younger brother who wants to get back at you for some reason. You mentioned brothers and a sister, how many brothers do you have? Are they all anti gay? your sister may have realised your mother was serious about chucking you out and decided to defuse the situation. Keeping a roof over your head seems to be the most important thing to do at present, even telling a few white lies might help until after the exams. Then decide the next step in your life, at 21 moving out might be a good idea. A suggestion would be to get your name on your local council housing register now, so if you are made homeless there maybe a chance of you being offered a place because of your situation. Any friends you could stay with if you are shown the door?

As Fred said, I don't envy yuor position. Best of luck mate.

P.S. Welcome to the forum.

[Dereck]

It must be hard, considering the fact that your bestfriend/sister doesn't even approve! And to what she said about disowning her son?! Unbelievable! I don't know about any of you, but I suggest you move the fuck out of that place and move with a friend or someone. I'm so happy that my mother did not react that way. My dad still doesn't know and I live with him. ._.

Anyway, good luck with getting the acceptance of your mother. ^^
Oh and welcome to Gayspeak!

[JACOB-GABRIEL]

Thanks guys :o)

Rychard he's not my younger brother lol! He's twice my age. Im the baby of the family and theyre not all anti gay but they just believe in what they have been brought up to believe by the community---that same-sex couples are not acceptable.

I have 3 brothers and 1 sister---all older than myself.

Marshlander ive seen that documentary. It was really good :o) Ive known i was gay since i was little. Anyway i dont see anything wrong with 2 guys being together because love is love regardless of gender.

All i can say is life goes on. If they want to be a part of it then thats great because we're all really close and im actually the glue that keeps them together. To this date i have never wronged and now that i need their support, theyre not their for me.

Thanks guys :o)

I hope i will be accepte in time. It was a pretty big blow so i think time is all they need. Who knows. I will let you guys know :o)

[fredv3b]

Fred has given you some of his excellent advice. He has also been far more reasonable than I might be. I am normally pretty non-violent, but had my brother done that to me I would be very tempted to smack him in the head

Marshy, you are too kind. However I gave him my best advice as to what I think that he should do, not necessarily what I would have done had I been in that situation.