very confused, need advice

[marshlander]

So gay people can't be virgins? Sorry, but I'm going to disagree with you there. I was gay for eight years before I ever had sex. It was torture because I was gay and trying to deny those feelings...

So bisexual people can't be monogamous? I know a lot of bisexual people who would be downright offended by that suggestion.

Got to agree with Jarred on both these points.

[curt-88]

LoL ofcourse Bisexuals can be monogomous !!! I should have been more clear when i said that sorry. I didnt say bisexuals had to sleep with both sexes in a relationship. They just see both sexes but may prefer one over the other.

[luke35]

I am a 20 year old guy and am very confused about my sexual orientation and would greatly appreciate any reply.

My life is full of contradicting gay and straight occurrences. I find my girlfriend extremely sexy and start getting an erection as soon as we kiss. But then she says that I don't look at her boobs. When I walk down the street I check out chicks asses but I also look at guys arms. I had a crush on this one short haired chick that looked like a lesbian, but she also had perfect boobs. Despite this I have always considered myself straight until a few months ago when I started to analyze my past. here are some of the things that make me think I'm gay

- I went to an all boys high school and didn't have nearly enough interaction with girls (relevant?)
- I have always had a much closer relationship to my mother than my father although I love them both and they both love me
- Often I've often had Freudian slips, especially whilst smoking weed that came out very gay eg "john you fucked me" instead of "John you fucked our assignment"
- i often fail to catch the hot chick in the corner of my eye
- I had my first girlfriend at 17
- when I was younger I found myself spending loads of money on my friends in the same way I now spend it on girls
- a couple my mates whom I've spent money on and smoked weed with think I'm gay

This is all very nice and gay but it just doesn't stack up to other things in my life:

- I get an erection from watching heterosexual porn, lesbian porn and solo female porn but not from gay porn
- my fantasies only involve girls
- I'm sure It's irrelevant but I hate clothes shopping, I play rugby (similar to grid iron), i'm very messy and I eat the fat on my steak (although I spose there are loads of gay dudes that do this
- when I'm with my girlfriend this issue seems silly and it feels obvious that I'm straight
- I was in love (albeit young love) with my first girlfriend
- gay sex looks yuk to me.

the uncertainty is really getting to me and at the moment it is all that occupies my mind. I'm not going to lie, being gay would compromise parts of my life style, some of my friends, possibly my relationship with my parent and future plans such as having kids of my own. This is big and I am scared.

please help me out and be honest I need to know.

also I found internet pages on homosexual obbsessive compuslive disorder.
one part of me is saying hocd is bullshit but another part sees a lot of parallels to my experience. let me know what you think

Hi there I know exactly how you feel.

I am 35 and my sexuality still hasn't sorted itself out.

I'm currently in Phuket and I was at the beach yesterday and I looked around and every single man I saw was either a turn off or I was indifferent to but almost every woman I saw looked good enough to eat.

I fancied them all but the women I least fancied were young short blonde and beautiful. I find what most men like in a woman boring.

I'm usually attracted to the older women, the firm overweight women, the athletic muscley women or the boyish flat chested women and I find people who are not perfect more attractive than traditionaly attractive people.

The problem is I'm submissive and cock crazy so sex with woman is usually a total disaster.

I think I'm gay but men turn me off and women turn me on!!!! Go figure

After all these years of searching and exploring I'm still at a total loss as to what or who I am and will peobably be single all my life

[marshlander]

Hi there I know exactly how you feel.

I am 35 and my sexuality still hasn't sorted itself out ...

You poor lamb! I hope life has some jolly moments

[luke35]

I disagree.

Being gay is alot more complex then being attracted to the same sex.
I think you would have to have ongoing relationships with a person of the same gender to be considered gay. To be considered bi you would have to have ongoing relationships with both sexes. To be considered curious would have to be experimenting with the same sex nothing ongoing unless you like it ( see above ) To be considered straight is to know and be comfortable with your sexuality knowing that your only into the opposite sex.

I disagree. I am atracted to women and turned off by men but male genetalia is the most sexy thing ever and I'm submissive/passive so I'm not compatible sexually with most women.

In the past twenty years I have gone from a straight guy who had straight relationships but wished my female lovers were more kinky and dominant and secretly fantasised about erect cocks to a guy who is still really attracted to women but finds vanilla heterosexual sex a total turn off.

In the past few years I have only been able to have sex with kinky dominant transvestites but as soon as the illusion of femininity slips and I see the man behind the make up I lose interest.

Masculinity is not sexy too me unless there is a veneer of femininity hiding the masculinity and I fancy the pants off most women I see so I must be bi or straight and confused right?

I'm not bi because my sexual passivity makes sex with women almost impossible and as much as I fancy women I find their sexualities, needs and desires totally moribund. Women are physically attractive apart from female genetalia which I find a total turn off, men are physically unattractive apart from their genetalia which I find super horny.


In 15 years of serious sexual exploration which has taken me from the darkest fetish clubs and the kinkiest BDSM dungeons to the gay saunas of London and Bangkok I have found I feel neither gay straight or bi but sometimes all three.

But my sexuality is fluid and could change at any moment.

Total confusion.

Anyway the definition of sexuality differs depending on who you ask.

If I ask a straight man if he thinks I'm gay he will say of course I'am because I can't have sex with women and I like cock.

If I ask a gay man if he thinks I'm gay he will say of course not you fancy women not men.

[luke35]

Cheers Marshlander, thank you for your concern:tongue: Although not being able to identify my sexuality is infuriating and means I'm unlikely to find love it is great fun because at 35 I'm still exploring my sexuality like a teenager. Everyday is a new day:eek:

[fredv3b]

I am a 20 year old guy and am very confused about my sexual orientation and would greatly appreciate any reply.

Well here is mine.

I find my girlfriend extremely sexy and start getting an erection as soon as we kiss.

Pretty good sign your not gay to begin with, if you ask me

But then she says that I don't look at her boobs.

Do you think you look at them? Perhaps, you are just discrete when you do, so she doesn't notice? Perhaps (no offence intended to her) her boobs just aren't all that impressive? Perhaps you just aren't a 'boobs man', I've had a number of straight male friends admit that.

When I walk down the street I check out chicks asses but I also look at guys arms.

Do you find those arms sexy; or are you just comparing with your own or wishing yours were as impressive?

- I went to an all boys high school and didn't have nearly enough interaction with girls (relevant?)

It might make you a little awkward around girls but that is about it, going to an all boys school does not make you gay (except in gay erotic fantasy-land).

- I have always had a much closer relationship to my mother than my father although I love them both and they both love me

So???

- Often I've often had Freudian slips, especially whilst smoking weed that came out very gay eg "john you fucked me" instead of "John you fucked our assignment"

People often say stupid things, especially when given chemical help. I wouldn't read anything into it.

- i often fail to catch the hot chick in the corner of my eye

Unless you rarely fail to catch hot guys in the corner of your eye, I'd simply suggest that you are not the most visually observant guy in the world.

- I had my first girlfriend at 17

I had my first boyfriend at 27, I was still definitely gay before then.

- when I was younger I found myself spending loads of money on my friends in the same way I now spend it on girls

I think you are probably a generous guy, its a good thing but it doesn't make you gay.

- a couple my mates whom I've spent money on and smoked weed with think I'm gay

Generally I think you would know about yourself better than them.

This is all very nice and gay but it just doesn't stack up to other things in my life:

To be honest it really doesn't sound gay to me.

- I get an erection from watching heterosexual porn, lesbian porn and solo female porn but not from gay porn
- my fantasies only involve girls

Those are pretty good signs that you are straight.

- I'm sure It's irrelevant but I hate clothes shopping, I play rugby (similar to grid iron), i'm very messy and I eat the fat on my steak (although I spose there are loads of gay dudes that do this

It is irrelevant there are plenty of gay guys that do all of the above and plenty of straight guys that don't.

- when I'm with my girlfriend this issue seems silly and it feels obvious that I'm straight

That really sounds very straight to me.

- I was in love (albeit young love) with my first girlfriend
-gay sex looks yuk to me.

Again pretty straight.

the uncertainty is really getting to me and at the moment it is all that occupies my mind. I'm not going to lie, being gay would compromise parts of my life style, some of my friends, possibly my relationship with my parent and future plans such as having kids of my own. This is big and I am scared.

From what you have said I don't think there is anything to be worried about. Being gay is about being sexually and romantically attracted to guys and not girls, and that doesn't sound like the above.

However clearly this is really eating into you, you've gone and posted it on a website, I know from experience that it takes a lot to make you do that. To my mind there are two possibilities, either you really do have good reason to question your sexuality or you don't. If you do have good reason, then, frankly, I don't think that you have shared it with us. To put it bluntly, have you been entirely accurate in what you have wrote, have you deliberately left things out? If you haven't been honest then there is no more I can say and you should stop reading here, but I am going to assume that you have been honest. I really don't think that you've got good reason to question your sexuality, you sound very straight to me.

You seem to be having recurrent unwanted thoughts questioning your sexuality. On the basis of a quick google of 'homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder', I would agree that it does sound similar to you.

My advice: RELAX. First it is normal at your age to experience occasional thoughts questioning your sexuality (I had them, but in the opposite direction as it were ). You may be getting them more than occasionally but don't think that just because you are getting these thoughts means that there must be a good reason for them. Try not to let them 'get to you' just remember how you feel about straight porn and gay porn and how you feel about when you are with your girlfriend, and then just get on with your day.

If despite this and giving your thoughts/feelings a little time you are still getting these thoughts and the are bad enough to stop you being able to get on with everyday life then I think that you might need to seek professional help.

Hope this helps

[Gabriel_knight]

Man, I don't think you're gay. "Best" case scenario: you're Bi.

[snoopy]

i dont want to make light of your dilemma but do we really need to be in a "category" can you not just do whatever you want that makes you happy or am i missing the point . do you not know what makes you happy ?

[luke35]

i dont want to make light of your dilemma but do we really need to be in a "category" can you not just do whatever you want that makes you happy or am i missing the point . do you not know what makes you happy ?

Thats the whole point Snoopy. Some of us are never going to find out a definitive sexuality and thats the problem. Society needs a pigeon hole and lovers need to know the sexuality of their lover but on the whole many of us are a bunch of sexuual transients. Sexualiity is fluid