Honest Opinions/Advice Please

[sapphiric]

I want to discover if I'm gay.

My entire life (I'm 23) I've believed I was straight, with perhaps a desire to be submissive to girls/dress up like a girl occasionally. Outwardly I'm a typical heterosexual male. I've always flirted with/hit on girls, but I've never really had a burning desire to have sex with them.

I've been in two serious relationships, both with girls. The first one we never had sex and were together for 3 months. She was a virgin, so we were taking it slow.

The second girl I was with for 8 months. Often I couldn't get turned on when we would go to have sex. We spent a lot of time in bed, but there were times when I wanted nothing less than to have sex with her. I would fantasize about being turned into a girl/humiliated etc. while I was having sex with her. I even tried Cialis because I thought it might be some physical problem, but that didn't work.

I tried hooking up with a guy once after we broke up, but I was repulsed and not turned on at all, so that was further confusing to me.

Basically I get turned on being in a girl role, but I don't particularly like vaginas, and I don't like guys either. I just like that submissive sexual role and being treated like a girl. I love girls emotionally, and I have no attraction emotionally to guys. My dream is to find a beautiful girl and be with her, but I don't have that desire to have sex with girls in a traditional way.

So tell me. Does this sound like a typical case of a gay person who has repressed his desires his entire life and has had such anti-gay ideas given to him by others that he's repulsed by men despite actually being gay?

What should I tell this girl? She still wants to be together, and I love her more than anything in the world. Tell me, based on what I've said, and the fact that in 8 months we never had sex that was GREAT, even when it worked okay. I think telling her I was gay would kill her (If I even am) and I really just want to do what's best for her, since I don't care about myself right now. I've been pretty depressed lately, and every time I see her it's just a reminder of how I'll never be able to have the only thing I've ever really wanted in my life.

Thoughts?

[fjp999]

I want to discover if I'm gay.

My entire life (I'm 23) I've believed I was straight, with perhaps a desire to be submissive to girls/dress up like a girl occasionally...

Basically I get turned on being in a girl role

[COLOR="Purple"]Since youre not turned on by guys then youre probably NOT gay.

Since youre not into sex with women you may be a-sexual.

Not sure what you mean by the turned on being in a girl role and if you have acted on this. Wanna explain further?[/COLOR]

[sapphiric]

Haha I'm definitely not asexual, in the sense that I DO have a strong sex drive. It's just the things that turn me on have to do with me being in a role where I'm humiliated, or penetrated, or dressed up in girls' clothing. Also, while I'm sort of repulsed by men as far as features/bodies go, I do like penises...
So tell me, does that make me gay?:p

[sapphiric]

As an aside...what's the difference between a transsexual and an effeminate gay man with a crossdressing/acting like a woman fetish?

[fjp999]

Haha I'm definitely not asexual, in the sense that I DO have a strong sex drive. It's just the things that turn me on have to do with me being in a role where I'm humiliated, or penetrated, or dressed up in girls' clothing. Also, while I'm sort of repulsed by men as far as features/bodies go, I do like penises...
So tell me, does that make me gay?:p

[COLOR="purple"]Are those turn ons just fantasies or have you dressed up, been anally penetrated, humiliated sexually??? Do you just like your own penis or those hanging on others???

btw, it is not only about finding men sexually attractive but also LOVING a man.[/COLOR]

As an aside...what's the difference between a transsexual and an effeminate gay man with a crossdressing/acting like a woman fetish?

[COLOR="Purple"]A true transexual is a person who believes that they were born in the wrong body. A man who feels that he is a true woman but an effeminate gay man would not believe this. A crossdresser is usually (but not always) a hetero with a fetish. It kinda sounds like you have this fetish and probably not gay but maybe bi.

The only thing anyone can tell you is go forth and enjoy life.[/COLOR]

[sapphiric]

I'm going to have to disagree that you have to LOVE a man to be gay. I would say there are plenty of closeted gay men who don't go forward with their gay feelings because they don't love men. The primary feature of sexuality is sex, so it's what turns you on, regardless of whatever emotions you might feel. I love women, but they don't give me an erection.

[colinmackay]

I'm going to have to disagree that you have to LOVE a man to be gay. I would say there are plenty of closeted gay men who don't go forward with their gay feelings because they don't love men. The primary feature of sexuality is sex, so it's what turns you on, regardless of whatever emotions you might feel. I love women, but they don't give me an erection.

First, to ensure clarity, I'm talking about the love for a partner (a lover, if you prefer). Not the love for a relative or friend.

I'm going to have to disagree, but I only came out last year so my experience may be limited. If there are any gay men on here that don't LOVE men but are in it only for the sex then please correct me.

For me, its a package. Love, sex, emotional attachment, etc. I realise in hindsight that when I was closeted I did fall in love with two men but was so afraid of myself that I did nothing about it. (Self-lothing is terrible, I wouldn't wish it on anyone) In fact, I mentally beat my self up over it.

On the other hand, I don't love women. I tried to. I tried to be the dutiful son, get married, have kids, etc. I could get an errection and "perform". The sex wasn't an unpleasant experience, but there was aways the feeling that something was missing. There really was no "love" there, not in the sense of the love for a lover, girlfriend, fiancée. (Luckily, we broke up before fiancée became wife)

Also, all my gay friends talk of love for their boyfriends (past or present). I've not heard one that didn't. (Oh, and I do know that a couple are closeted, because when I came out they confided in me. They also talk about loving men)

[sapphiric]

First off thanks for the great reply Colin.

I'm just saying...if the idea of a man dressing me up like a girl and penetrating me turns me on...

But I don't emotionally like men at all...

While I emotionally love women...

But don't want to penetrate women...

I'm gay, right? Or some messed up transgender creation anyway

[sapphiric]

Also the problem with my girlfriend is that I can't always get turned on with her. Like I feel sexually dead around her sometimes, and sex won't work at least half the time. I'd say that's a bad sign. At least you were able to have sex with your wife;p. I even tried Cialis a couple times, but it didn't make a difference (since the problem is psychological and not physical I guess).

I feel like I'm a bottom who likes women but doesn't like vaginas while liking penises and wanting to wear girls' clothes and be treated like a girl. Is there a single word for that?

I broke up with my girlfriend tonight (my choice) so I'm pretty devastated, sorry if I'm not making sense.

[colinmackay]

I'm gay, right? Or some messed up transgender creation anyway

Messed up? No.

For all it is somewhat clichéd these days there is a reason "I am what I am" resonates quite well in the LGBT community. You are who you are. You live your life banging your own drum to your beat in a way you like that is pretty to you. You don't have to worry that other people don't like it and think it is noise.