if you guys were in my situation, and say you found out you were gay...would you tell the girl you love in the hopes of remaining close friends? or would you let her keep the memory of you as a straight male she loved and not freak her out by telling her, even if it means you can't be friends.
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That is a really difficult call. Like Colin I was in a very long relationship with a woman (we were actually married for about thirty years), but most of the time it was difficult and unfulfilling except that we both desperately wanted to be parents. A few years before we finally divorced I had to deal with realising that I am gay. I thought it was only fair to come out to her, which I did when I was completely sure I had at last made an accurate decision. Naturally she did not take this news well and we had five more years together which were the closest thing to hell that I could ever imagine. Were I able to relive that time with the knowledge I have now I might have moved out earlier; there were certainly plenty of grounds for doing so. Having got the divorce out of the way I would like to imagine that I would then have picked up my gay life. However, were this unlikely time travel scene to come to pass I'd have probably just done everything the same. :redface: Although we only see each other on family occasions these days we are able to be in each other's company for longer than we ever were as a married couple.
My realisation that I am gay came through realising and accepting that I had fallen in love with another man and in finally recognising that I had already experienced these feelings a few times in my past. Her interpretation was that I wanted to have anal sex with her. Nothing could be further from the truth and I found the whole notion repulsive and degrading.
These days I have the most wonderful sex life with my partner whom I am able to love with my heart, my mind and my body. When all the dots join up like this the picture is SO much better than I could ever have imagined.
Of course, my experience is going to be quite different from yours, but good luck on your journey, wherever it may take you.
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Transsexualism is a condition in which an individual identifies with a physical sex that is different from their biological one. A medical diagnosis can be made if a person experiences discomfort as a result of a desire to be a member of the opposite sex,[1] or if a person experiences impaired functioning or distress as a result of that gender identification. (Wikipedia)
Obviously I cannot be sure but you sound more like a transvestite who is into BDSM to me. The label is not that important unless you feel it is. Of course that begs the question about whether you are gay, bi or neither. Very many TVs claim to be hetero.
If you find that you are turned on by gay porn then you would have to be gay or bi, I would say.
I agree with you that being gay does not mean that you love men necessarily. If you like gay sex, then you are gay or bi. I was married and then found out that I liked gay sex. I did not like the idea of kissing a man however. Gradually I discovered to my surprise that I had fallen in love with a man but this was after having purely sexual experiences for a few years first.
if you guys were in my situation, and say you found out you were gay...would you tell the girl you love in the hopes of remaining close friends?
Yes definitely but only if you are sure that you can never have a sex life with her and you felt the need to live a life separate from her. I have known a gay man who remained married to a woman for all his life and was celibate as far as gay sex goes. It takes all sorts.
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told her yesterday. i felt so good and done with our relationship before that, but after telling her i feel so fucking terrible. i'm so disgusted with myself, and i can't bear her thinking of me like that. i don't get turned on by her though. Sometimes I get a flicker of arousal just because she's so soft and smooth and pretty...but it never lasts and i never want to have sex with her. i don't like it when she gives me oral sex. and i do get turned on by the idea of a penis being put into me. and the idea of sucking a penis myself. even if i'm grossed out by the image of a guy as far as short hair/facial hair/body hair/everything else goes.
it's so fucking hard to accept, and i feel like shit, and i have no one i can talk to about this. even my ex-girlfriend, who was incredibly understanding and nice, i feel so disgusted with myself telling her anything.
she is also still very turned on by me. and i am still very used to touching and kissing and holding her. how is it possible to get past my disgust and her attraction and our combined habit of touching and kissing so much?
Please help. feels like my life is falling apart.
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Sapphiric, I believe I have suggested this before, but I'll repeat if you wish. I think what turns you on is definitely part of your fantasy, but now you seem to want to act upon it, which, in some sense makes you bi-curious at least. I would suggest you turn to a professional listener (ie maybe a shrink or counsellor) so that he or she can help you to sort your feelings out. There may be more to your desires than meets the eye and probably we (or you) don't have all the keys here. I can understand that if you have kept these feelings very private until now, you feel disgusted with yourself, probably because you have a lessened opinion of what it might mean to be gay or want to have gay sex. You need to work on these issues of self esteem. Does your ex girlfriend see that you belittle yourself? The mere need of being submissive already sounds like you have these issues of self esteem. It is possible, after all, to be gay or hetero and proud of it. I believe you need to sort through all these feelings of inadequacy or self hate and see where there might possibly be a light of hope and happiness with being who you are.
PS. As an afterthought, not all shrinks or counsellors are very good at their jobs, so if you don't find what you are looking for with one, you may want to try another. Don't let one person only be your reference in terms of counselling. With luck, you'll find the right person straight away.
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So I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably transsexual. It's a lot to take, and I'm not sure where I'm going to go with this, but it's a realization nonetheless.
Try doing LSD when you're a repressed transsexual. It's not pretty; ).
It took an eight month relationship where I never wanted to have normal sex, four psychedelic journeys, and a decent amount of therapy to get here.
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I worked in a nightclub and met alot of people who have the exact feelings as you do over the years and from my experience talking to alot of people I would say that you are not gay. Alot of these guys refer to themselves as "pussy boys"...I dont' know if you are familiar with the term or not? These are guys who want to feel like a woman and sometimes submit to men sexually in a female role but have no interest in men otherwise emotionally or physically...again it is very common and most of these guys I have met consider themselves "straight" and I do believe that they are.
May I ask...Is your desire to be feminized predominately sexual or do you have a desire to live as or dress up as a woman all of the time?
Being emotionally and sexually attracted to women and wanting to experience the role of a woman as well is very common and so is the confusion....throw away the labels and the traditional role/gender bias and try to find a woman who understands exactly what turns you on and be as honest as you can be about it with her...there are alot of women out there who are turned on by men like yourself.
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Hmm I do kind of like gay porn actually. I've never watched it before. It's possible I just have so many ingrained anti-gay ideas in my head that I've never even allowed myself to consider having love for another guy. Culture brainwashing is pretty powerful;p.
I think you may have hit the nail on the head there. It is perfectly possible for a gay man to fall in love with a woman because he has been brought up/educated/socialized to expect that he would do that. It actually goes against the grain for some gay men to fall in love with a man – again because that is how they have been brought up/educated/socialized. I was like that – being gay was only about sex to me. And then one day I met this Norwegian guy in Berlin and it was like St Paul on the road to Damascus: I was hit by a bolt of lightening and was instantly converted to gay love! That could happen to you too with the right guy at the right time, I suspect, when the brainwashing starts to lose it's grip, because sex can be a very powerful thing too. Little by little you might find that loving a man seems more natural and then when you meet Mr Fuckingdropdeadgorgeousjustrightformethankyou, you too may be struck by the bolt of lightening.
Try doing LSD when you're a repressed transsexual.
Now do you really think LSD is going to clarify things for you?
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