Wife and Gay Men advice/question

[anhonestquestion]

I am seeking advice from gay men who have or have had romantic or strong emotional relationships, that are more than just "friendly" in nature with straight women, particularly married. I apologize if my post here is a bit long winded. I just wanted to fully express my thoughts and explain the situation, so that any gracious person willing to give advice or comment would have a better grasp of my situation before replying. My advice/ question will come at the end.

I am a married man (15 years) and have several children with my wife. We lead a fairly normal life, not too complex. If you were to put us on a chart, as far as marriage, I would say we fall directly in the median. I have never doubted for one second, my wife's love, loyalty or faithfullness. She has never done, said or acted differently to lead me to believe anything but that. I have never found anything around the normal avenues of our life, that would lend clues to her being unfaithful.

Recently, my wife has been spending a lot of time with her friends, most also married like her. I have no problems at all with her going out. She missed a lot of fun being a mother all these years and any time I am not working, she goes out without question when she can. Her friends have gay friends (men) so they usually go to gay bars after dinner or a show and stay late into the morning hours having fun. I have seen photos on facebook of their last 2-3 adventures out and the more recent ones are what have me now confused and with some question. The recent ones contain "racy" photos of some of the girls in her group, with ripped open shirts and mens hands reaching around from behind them, pulling down their bras to expose almost everything. There are a lot of photos of gay men grabbing the girls and doing strip tease acts, grinding on them, kissing them and simulating blowjobs to the men. My wife is not in any of these racy photos and Im wondering if she didnt partake or has just made certain that none of these photos have found their way onto facebook. I should also add that these photos were "hidden" in a secret invisible group on facebook. She is "new" to the group so to speak and new to going to gay bars, so it tends me to believe that the other wives arent shy or afraid of their husbands seeing their photos, since they have been friends with these guys for a long time. I also think that if she did, my wife would have made it very clear to keep her photos off, since she is on the shy side and any chance i might see them. She did have a few photos of herself that contained her hugging up on men and one where a crossdresser kissed her breast, just above her nipple, leaving a lipstick mark.

If i had just seen the photos, then maybe I would not be asking for advice. But she acted very different, both before the night in question and the few days after. Before she went out that last night, she wore an extremely low cut shirt and this came on the heels after her and friends had a conversation about how much gay men love boobs and cleavage. She also seemed to be "walking on eggshells" the day after and was very quiet and reserved. I then started to to see conversations on her facebook page which were filled with innuendo and double meaning about their nights out, things that never were said before on her page. When she goes out, she likes to text me back and forth from time to time during the evening. This particular night, I would text her and more and more time would expire between her replies.

I finally confronted her about the photos and conversations and of course, like a stupid straight male, handled it completely wrong. She was very defensive and kept using, "they are gay guys dont worry...its nothing, they are harmless" as her replies. She looked petrified when I told her I saw the photos and I didnt know whether or not it was because she was just angry or worried that i might have seen a photo, that either she didnt realize was on facebook or one that she thought her friends deleted before me seeing it. A few days later, I confronted her in a much better, friendlier way and explained to her that i was not worried that she cheated, but rather more jealous that she has been around this kind of behavior and how she can open up the way she does to new friends and not with me, when I have attempted time and time before to do so with her.

Ok...i think I have probably explained the situation as well as possible. I do not think she is engaging in actual sexual activity or has someone on the "side". Maybe I am naive in thinking this, but I truly believe she is not doing that. My question is this: is it common for married women to engage like this with gay men and is it also common for relationships to develop (more than just friends) between gay men and straight women, due to the fact there is less sexual tension and that, like my wife stated, gay men seem "harmless" in the context of their actions and from her believing this, intital emotions , touching and kissing may seem normal at first but may naturally lead to things going further and further, without stopping to think "this is wrong".

Any help, advice or comments from experience would be greatly appreciated. Please understand I am not generalizing gay men here, although it may sound that way. I apologize if it does. Thanking anyone ahead of time for their help!

[colinmackay]

First, I should explain that I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who is fairly new out of the closet and I've only had about 6 months experience of the gay scene. I've also had a past long term relationship with a woman who I almost married. So, perhaps someone who's been out a lot longer doesn't see things in the same light.

I've noticed in clubs that there are gay men dancing with women in a style that is a lot more raunchy that I ever saw in a straight club. Some gay men also seem to attract women a lot but as friends. Also a lot of gay men are naturally very tactile.

From what I can see a lot of women are a lot more comfortable around gay men than they are around straight men. There is no sexual threat. So they possibly feel they can do more without fear of being objectified or oggled at, etc.

And, in terms of the friendship bond that can form, from what I can see (and if I recall correctly, this is backed up in The Joy of Gay Sex [in the section on Friendship or Gay Families]), it is much more intense that a straight friendship. But, at the end of the day, there is no sexual angle to it.

Anyway, that is my somewhat newbie take on it.

[anhonestquestion]

Thank you Colin. that was a very helpful reply. i posted this to another forum and got a reply from a woman who thought that maybe my wife had a bi curiosity and that the interaction with gay men in this manner may be here way of opening up possibily sharing feelings with her female friends in a manner that would not be as uncomfortable as simply coming out and saying it.

I know your a guy....was wondering if you had a thought on this at all? or if there are any women who may have. thank you so much again. any more help is greatly appreciated!

[colinmackay]

...a reply from a woman who thought that maybe my wife had a bi curiosity and that the interaction with gay men in this manner may be here way of opening up possibily sharing feelings with her female friends in a manner that would not be as uncomfortable as simply coming out and saying it.

I'm not sure how that would work, to be honest. That's not to say it won't/can't, just that I don't see how. It isn't something I would have ever thought of trying (but reversing the gender roles, obviously).

You may get a better reply from a lesbian or bi-woman on that aspect.

[princealbertofb]

My take on this one is to ask you to consider male stripper acts... like the Chippendales. They are very popular with the ladies and all sorts of ladies, normally shy and reserved or raunchy and sexy ones are likely to find them attractive in a way that their husbands can never be. First of all, I think the idea that these males are normally unapproachable because they are so good looking and (maybe gay) acts as a first barrier, so even if they get to hand a dollar in their g-strings, or jockstraps, that's as close as it'll ever get. The grinding, lapdance, dirty dancing style that they adopt is never going to go any further than that either since it's just a raunchy act to get the women excited... if anything they should return to their husbands and partners with a healthy lust to have sex. I don't think it means it'll lead to anything sexual with those males. All the more so if those males are not into women to start with. You have, of course, the instances of bisexual males who may swing both ways and be attracted to some of their clients but isn't it also in their interest (these males) to ward off any kind of promiscuity on account of the problems that might arise from such situations?

[marshlander]

You sound very tolerant. I have never felt tempted to behave like that with a woman, although I have had several female friends. If her behaviour is making you uncomfortable it would be nice if she took stock of priorities.

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned :redface:

[sox-and-the-city]

Seriously i think you're reading WAY too much into it.

I have several female friends (to the extent that straight men are the 'token' ones haha) and have engaged in raunchy dancing and pulling and blah blah blah with them all. I'm gay. I do not find women attractive sexually and despite on girl's best attempts to the contrary i never will. This does not prevent me from being tactile nor from an innocent flirt. we do it because it's positively hilarious. It's just a way of letting your hair down and being outrageous and having some innocent fun. Try kissing a couple of lesbians and see if your wife minds.

Only the other day i was out a friend of mine and her best friend, whom i had just met and we got completely steamboated and proceeded to take posed pictures of us kissing and straddling each other etc. It was proper banter.

Think nothing of it. It's childish but meaningless.

[Amigo]

Why don't you make lesbian friends, and have them grab your balls and rub your dick, and if your wife says something, you say,

"Don't worry, they're lesbians, they're harmless."

[colinmackay]

Why don't you make lesbian friends, and have them grab your balls and rub your dick, and if your wife says something, you say,

"Don't worry, they're lesbians, they're harmless."

If everyone takes an eye for an eye soon the whole world will be blind.