07-13-2010, 05:42 PM
I have never fallen in love and, quite honestly, I believe I never will. I hear that people have fallen in love, and I am curious what this entails – I am also jealous but this goes without saying. Sometimes I think I am ‘broken’ in the inside (blame my dysfunctional family and problematic adolescence) or perhaps too ‘cold’ as they used to call me behind my back at school. I don’t seem to be able to find anyone who makes me feel that I am going to loose the earth below my feet or that my heart is going to explode. I am too shy too make the first move and so I always end up attracting people who are either much older than me (we are talking two or even more decades) or just those who are more interested in a one night thing rather than something more substantial – not that there is anything other in this god-forsaken town. I have tried live, face-to-face, but no luck: married guys who don’t have sex with their partner (as a rule they always have a partner but they still need more), drunkards, or men who are old enough to be my grandfathers. I have tried on-line, again the same results. One day they claim that a bar is not the right place to meet a boyfriend and suggest on-line searching; you try gaydar, they tell you that you can’t find this sort of things there. Instead one gets photos of naked rears, fronts etc. and propositions for all-night revels (they never last more than 30 minutes you can take my word for it, and if you want to go on for longer, they give up on you). I am not going to lie: I feel depressed and utterly disappointed. I have even come to believe that love doesn’t exist; it is an excuse people have come up with to hide their fear of being alone. I have a friend who is in a relationship. All he talks about is going to Greece to cruise. I have never heard him say that he is content that he is in a relationship. And I wonder if this is what love is all about. I have tried, and could, in fact, compromise and enter in a relationship with a guy I didn’t like. But that wouldn’t be fair, first to me and then to him (the one who send me a photo of his front being s*** - it turned out he wanted a relationship after all – funny way to show it! I was that desperate … it would seem). I have tried casual sex, it doesn’t work for me – unfortunately I am too cerebral and emotional for that. So, what’s left? Right now I see two alternative paths in front of me: (i) I make up my mind that love – or finding someone who wants to get to know you before you end up in bed with them is a chimera – and so I give up the search altogether or (ii) just wait and see if something does come up my way. If it still hasn’t come my way in some years I might put an end to the whole thing, my life - it depends on my mood at the time. What really frightens me is that if it so difficult in the UK where people are generally more tolerant how is it going to be back home in Greece, where gays are still hiding. I just don’t want to think about it.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
mile:
Virgo
