Problem with Friend

[marsyas]

Hi guys, I need some advice or, at least, I would like to know what you think. I have a problem with my best friend, my faghag as one may call her. We both had very tough year. I struggled with post-coming out depression, suicidal tendencies, therapy and several bad experiences with guys (oh, yes add the academic difficulties with my thesis), and she had to deal with study problems, two relationships that didn't work out and broke her heart and the death of two beloved people. One was her grandfather and the other a of very young friend due to cancer. Throughout this period he have grown extremely close. I mean, I have confided into her things that I wouldn't dare tell anyone. She supported me when I came out by being positive and encouraging and I helped her with her studies. I devoted so much time. There was a day that I spent 15 hours in her room helping if not typing, correcting and discussing her application pack. I did that because I wanted my best friend to be here with me. And I did this besides or on top of my huge psychological problems. I could not work on my thesis, I didn't even want to leave my room and still I put aside my needs to help my best friend. A fortnight ago her friend died - she was shocked (we knew she going to go since February - but the shock was still great). As a close friend I had to go through that too (the deceased was not my friend). When your best friend is feeling shit you feel that too. On top of that she broke up with that guy she was seeing. I will accept that I was not supportive inthe relationship problem because I couldn't stand the way he treated her - it just broke my heart to she her tortured, and still I know I shouldn't have been that critical of him. She attacked me and criticised me all the time. I felt that I couldn't do anything right. She went back home for the funeral and disappeared. I couldn't find her anywhere. I started worrying. In the meantime I had a bad experience which completely freaked me out. I send her a facebook message asking for advice (she is my only real close friend - I went with her when she needed to be screened for HIV) and the other day after I visited the GP I sent her another message saying she needn't worry everything had been sorted out. She replied four days later telling me that she would call me when she went to her home town. Last week I was feeling a bit blue. Things in my life going bad, feeling frustrated, no one to talk to, things at home going really bad, my grandmother did (and no one told me) and still I met a nice guy who lives very far away though. I needed some advice plus I was worrying for her. So I sent her an email which was a written quite fast and giving a quick summary of what had happened. Basically I wanted to tell her that I missed and make her laugh with my ''gay adventures'' - they usually cheer her up. She didn't reply and started worrying. I did something below myself I ented her email box (she had given them to me at X-mas to check in case anything important happened during her absence). I only wanted to see that she had deleted recent spam emails and so know that everything is fine with her. And I found out my email having been forwarded to two of her friends (none of whom I know personally) although I had explicitly asked her to be discreet with my concerns. In addition, one of her friends offerred a detailed criticism and psychological analysis of me. I am supposed to be an inconsiderate and selfcentred ass who doesn't show the due respect to the dead and that I have serious issues to solve (which I am not going to deny) - all this coming from a woman who has, as my friend has told me, cheated her fiance four times. She dares to talk amout morality anyway. The thing is that I got the impression that I am a problem, a burden. Plus, I saw all my private issues and health problems being disected by unknown people as if I were not her best supportive friend but her boyfriend and an ass - she usually acts this way with boyfriends. I know what I did was below me, and I will tell her. I just feel that I cannot trust her anymore. Who tells me that she doesn't criticize me behind my back and that when I ask for help next time she is going to be sincere in listening to me? I don't want to feel that I am burden to my friends. And this is not a way to treat a close friend. I always picked up fights when people who badmouthed her in my presence. If she had a problem she should tell me not people who are not connected with me. I think there is no future in this friendship. I have accommodated and placed her needs above mine, and she was a friendship a-la carte - she will be there for me only when she is feeling fine. But that's never. There is always something ''tragic'' going on, well my life isn't easy either and I need to know that the next time I call her because I have a problem I won't be bothering her, or that my conduct is going to be discussed by two women who should concentrate on their own ruined lifes before they pass judgement on others . What do you think?