07-30-2010, 06:34 PM
First of all, my apology for the hot mess written post. It's almost 2 am in here. My brain is not functioning very well anymore.
Frankly this is the reason why I decided to join this forum. I need an advice.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: My country's religion is strictly against homosexuality but using your gaydar whether it sucks or not, you can detect the amount of local gay guys in its main city. But I can guarantee you that most of them particularly with Islam as religion are closet gay guys.
But anyway, here goes.
Previously in my Introduction post, I mentioned that I used to be morbid obese. I was 363 lbs and currently standing at 154 lbs. Being morbid obese, I was truly unattractive physically and also mentally. Double chins, rough damaged skin (bad blood circulation), outrageously confident at school but hideously insecure deep inside and more.
I decided to make a change in my life on year 2005 and worked my butt off to be who I am today. I honestly had to shun off myself from the world for two years straight so I that I can give my 300% commitment and focus to lose weight. I had no social life and friends within those two years except for one. It also took me about 2 to 3 years to turn over my leaf to become a new person with a new personality. I ditched my old personality completely and boy, I am glad to do it.
As a result, I feel like living in a fairy tale turning into reality. I was an ugly duckling who becomes a swan.
And that's when the problem starts to arise.
Suddenly a lot of eyes gazed at me. Guys start to approach me. It was sort of a culture shock to me. I still truly feel awkward when guys and also girls call me a good looking guy. Sometimes I would stand in front of a mirror and asked myself, "Are they serious?".
I have made a vow to myself at the beginning of my weight process not to be involved in a relationship until I have completely reached my goal in weight loss. I think it will about another year or two to excel it.
Ok so that's the platform of my story. Now the problem.
Bam! Come these two professional expat guys from Europe who work in the same building as I am. Both of them work in the same company and their company is only 2 floors on top of mine.
Let's called them S and X.
I know S before X as we always bumped into each other almost everyday. We also buy our lunch at the same cafe - usually at the same time.
I didn't speak to him at first. We were just stranger for months. But he tends to give me signs. I just acted normal though and besides, I wasn't sure if he was really giving me signs as my so called gaydar sucks big time.
The cafe where we buy our lunch is situated at the end of ground floor's lobby. One day I got out from a lift (which situated right in the middle of the lobby) and walked towards the cafe. He was there already. Standing and waiting for his order. Then he saw me. He continued to look at me without flickering his eyes. It was like err, being hypnotized by me (Yeah, you can roll your eyes). He continued to look at me for a few minutes. I had no idea how to react. All I could think of at the time was, "Ok, why in the world is he staring at me? Oh hell, he is staring at me. Should I smile? Should I act normal?" He eventually looked back at his Blackberry.
Few days later, I bought my lunch earlier than the usual and he was nowhere to be seen. After I bought my lunch, I went back to the lobby to wait for a lift to go back to my office. The lobby was crowded with people passing by as it was lunch hour. Then the lift's doors opened and a crowd of people came out of it. Including him - he was one of the last few ones to come out.
I was blocked from entering the lift as the the lobby was crowded. The lift doors slowly started to close and that's when bam! He slammed the doors like a hulk and held it for me. It was shocking but hillarious. That guy was already few steps away from the lift but he rushed back to hold the lift for me. I managed to say thank you to him. Those were my first words to him. I heard him say something but it wasn't clear as the lobby was noisy.
To make the story short, I then pulled my guts to introduce myself - on a different day.
Since then he always make sure that I enter a lift before him as in how a gentleman treats a lady. It's kind of awkward at first but eh, I dig.
We chit chat lightly when we bumped into each other but nothing serious. It's just the basic how are you, where you from, how long have you been working etc.
Now X.
X is a hot guy. Period. But I never thought that I am in his league as he looks like a super elite socialite. He looks kind of icy to me. So I just ignored him most of the time.
Like S, I always bumped into X whether in a lift or in a lobby. He gave his icy look and I gave him my normal look.
One day I was waiting for a lift whilst eating an apple. I turned around and there he was standing few steps behind me. And that's when I saw it for the first time. He curved a smile. To me. Boy, I was shocked with it that I quickly turned around.
I kept myself busy in the lift by munching my apple. He leaned against the wall whilst staring at me. Awkward.
But to make it short, we eventually got to know each other. He is a very nice guy who happens to smile a lot when he talks to someone he knows. But like with S, so far we chit chat light stuff only.
S and X are kind of black and white on paper.
S is more easy going. Seeing S' appearance, he loves to wear big size shirt that doesn't show off his muscular body, he doesn't like to wear belt, loves to take off his shoes whilst waiting for his order at the cafe. He has boyish and cheery attitude. He looks relax all the time. S doesn't smoke.
X is your Tom Ford's model. Very well groomed with slim fit white shirt and pants that truly shows off his muscular physique. He looks kind of icy but really a nice guy when you know him. He is just well, well groomed in appearance and also mannerism. He smokes.
Instead of feeling fortunate to know that there are two guys that really like me, I end up with this feeling, "Why do these guys want me to be with them?"
The building and also the district where I work are both full with hot young guys. To my eyes, these young guys look perfect. With fit bodies and well porcelain groomed appearances. They all look like magazine male models. So I don't get why these two want to get to know me. I am not trying to underestimate myself but considering that my left leg is visibly injured (due to an accident) with a not really pleasing appearance (it bends a bit), I do wonder what they see in me.
I don't have problem adjusting myself to the 'normal' world but as soon I enter the 'gay' world, I become slightly off. It seems that the rule to be a gay guy (at least in here) is the need to be 'perfect' in appearance. I break the rule thanks to my leg.
Another problem as I have mentioned earlier is I have made a vow to myself not to involve in a relationship until I have reached my goal. I think this is a good thing as part of me feels that I am not ready to step into a relationship. But part of me feels itchy to want to be loved by someone, even knowing that I am not ready yet. I afraid that if I don't take an action now, I will lose X and S permanently. So should I go for it or not?
If I do step in relationship, I have no idea to choose. Although admittedly I do incline towards S. But it still too early to tell.
Sorry for the long post. I will learn to write shorter post in the future. Amen.
Frankly this is the reason why I decided to join this forum. I need an advice.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: My country's religion is strictly against homosexuality but using your gaydar whether it sucks or not, you can detect the amount of local gay guys in its main city. But I can guarantee you that most of them particularly with Islam as religion are closet gay guys.
But anyway, here goes.
Previously in my Introduction post, I mentioned that I used to be morbid obese. I was 363 lbs and currently standing at 154 lbs. Being morbid obese, I was truly unattractive physically and also mentally. Double chins, rough damaged skin (bad blood circulation), outrageously confident at school but hideously insecure deep inside and more.
I decided to make a change in my life on year 2005 and worked my butt off to be who I am today. I honestly had to shun off myself from the world for two years straight so I that I can give my 300% commitment and focus to lose weight. I had no social life and friends within those two years except for one. It also took me about 2 to 3 years to turn over my leaf to become a new person with a new personality. I ditched my old personality completely and boy, I am glad to do it.
As a result, I feel like living in a fairy tale turning into reality. I was an ugly duckling who becomes a swan.
And that's when the problem starts to arise.
Suddenly a lot of eyes gazed at me. Guys start to approach me. It was sort of a culture shock to me. I still truly feel awkward when guys and also girls call me a good looking guy. Sometimes I would stand in front of a mirror and asked myself, "Are they serious?".
I have made a vow to myself at the beginning of my weight process not to be involved in a relationship until I have completely reached my goal in weight loss. I think it will about another year or two to excel it.
Ok so that's the platform of my story. Now the problem.
Bam! Come these two professional expat guys from Europe who work in the same building as I am. Both of them work in the same company and their company is only 2 floors on top of mine.
Let's called them S and X.
I know S before X as we always bumped into each other almost everyday. We also buy our lunch at the same cafe - usually at the same time.
I didn't speak to him at first. We were just stranger for months. But he tends to give me signs. I just acted normal though and besides, I wasn't sure if he was really giving me signs as my so called gaydar sucks big time.
The cafe where we buy our lunch is situated at the end of ground floor's lobby. One day I got out from a lift (which situated right in the middle of the lobby) and walked towards the cafe. He was there already. Standing and waiting for his order. Then he saw me. He continued to look at me without flickering his eyes. It was like err, being hypnotized by me (Yeah, you can roll your eyes). He continued to look at me for a few minutes. I had no idea how to react. All I could think of at the time was, "Ok, why in the world is he staring at me? Oh hell, he is staring at me. Should I smile? Should I act normal?" He eventually looked back at his Blackberry.
Few days later, I bought my lunch earlier than the usual and he was nowhere to be seen. After I bought my lunch, I went back to the lobby to wait for a lift to go back to my office. The lobby was crowded with people passing by as it was lunch hour. Then the lift's doors opened and a crowd of people came out of it. Including him - he was one of the last few ones to come out.
I was blocked from entering the lift as the the lobby was crowded. The lift doors slowly started to close and that's when bam! He slammed the doors like a hulk and held it for me. It was shocking but hillarious. That guy was already few steps away from the lift but he rushed back to hold the lift for me. I managed to say thank you to him. Those were my first words to him. I heard him say something but it wasn't clear as the lobby was noisy.
To make the story short, I then pulled my guts to introduce myself - on a different day.
Since then he always make sure that I enter a lift before him as in how a gentleman treats a lady. It's kind of awkward at first but eh, I dig.
We chit chat lightly when we bumped into each other but nothing serious. It's just the basic how are you, where you from, how long have you been working etc.
Now X.
X is a hot guy. Period. But I never thought that I am in his league as he looks like a super elite socialite. He looks kind of icy to me. So I just ignored him most of the time.
Like S, I always bumped into X whether in a lift or in a lobby. He gave his icy look and I gave him my normal look.
One day I was waiting for a lift whilst eating an apple. I turned around and there he was standing few steps behind me. And that's when I saw it for the first time. He curved a smile. To me. Boy, I was shocked with it that I quickly turned around.
I kept myself busy in the lift by munching my apple. He leaned against the wall whilst staring at me. Awkward.
But to make it short, we eventually got to know each other. He is a very nice guy who happens to smile a lot when he talks to someone he knows. But like with S, so far we chit chat light stuff only.
S and X are kind of black and white on paper.
S is more easy going. Seeing S' appearance, he loves to wear big size shirt that doesn't show off his muscular body, he doesn't like to wear belt, loves to take off his shoes whilst waiting for his order at the cafe. He has boyish and cheery attitude. He looks relax all the time. S doesn't smoke.
X is your Tom Ford's model. Very well groomed with slim fit white shirt and pants that truly shows off his muscular physique. He looks kind of icy but really a nice guy when you know him. He is just well, well groomed in appearance and also mannerism. He smokes.
Instead of feeling fortunate to know that there are two guys that really like me, I end up with this feeling, "Why do these guys want me to be with them?"
The building and also the district where I work are both full with hot young guys. To my eyes, these young guys look perfect. With fit bodies and well porcelain groomed appearances. They all look like magazine male models. So I don't get why these two want to get to know me. I am not trying to underestimate myself but considering that my left leg is visibly injured (due to an accident) with a not really pleasing appearance (it bends a bit), I do wonder what they see in me.
I don't have problem adjusting myself to the 'normal' world but as soon I enter the 'gay' world, I become slightly off. It seems that the rule to be a gay guy (at least in here) is the need to be 'perfect' in appearance. I break the rule thanks to my leg.
Another problem as I have mentioned earlier is I have made a vow to myself not to involve in a relationship until I have reached my goal. I think this is a good thing as part of me feels that I am not ready to step into a relationship. But part of me feels itchy to want to be loved by someone, even knowing that I am not ready yet. I afraid that if I don't take an action now, I will lose X and S permanently. So should I go for it or not?
If I do step in relationship, I have no idea to choose. Although admittedly I do incline towards S. But it still too early to tell.
Sorry for the long post. I will learn to write shorter post in the future. Amen.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
