Just want to share my story.. Need advice

[LouiseMRL]

I never been in love with a guy before until I met him. I am discreet. He is my neighbor in the city where i come from. He continue his study at the same college of mine and stay at my boarding house (my room on the second floor and his on first). We used to spend our time together like going out for lunch and dinner or hang out... Sometime he sleep in my room and watching movie all night long. He has been really good to me, and i felt so close with him since then... I don't understand what happened to me at the time, I always find guy attractive sexually but that time i thought i have crush on him. I believe that he is straight, he is so manly (maybe).

When it was Christmas I went back to my hometown. One day before i left, I can see in his face something sad.. He got me to airport and when i just about to enter i felt like my heart broken into pieces... I don't know what he felt. We have contact everyday during the holiday. Like he text me said that he is lonely and now sitting in the cafe with cigarette and cappuccino as his friend. I promise him to call him at night and we talk for hours by phone... I know we were being too intimate and I found it strange too.

After Christmas i flight back to the city where i continue my study. He picked me at the airport. I was so happy. But when we met, we didn't talk alot each other. I think he felt the same like me. Something ashamed maybe. Its kinda strange coz 2 guys talking on the phone for hours and text everyday. I don't know what to talk and he just quiet.

Since I back, the situation starts change...
the collage just started, he got new friends and like spending more time with them... I can tolerate it and don't give it a shit...
I started being cold to him and just tried to back my life to normal just like before but i just can't get him out of my mind... I am not really good in expressing my feeling and i used to be person who found it silly to have relationship with a guy, but now i felt it...

We didn't have dinner together anymore and he always back home late... I don't understand why I was so being like his mother *sigh*

I was so stress... so i decided to join gym club. I work out everyday and make myself busy... But it didn't work.. I still can't get him out from my mind.. I just can't take it see him leaving with his friends for dinner or when we just cross each other we just smile or say hi...

I start to find new boarding house. I thought it was better if I move... and I found it. I didn't tell him about that.. I asked my friends to help me take my things to my new boarding house at late night.

Then next day when i want to give back the key to the owner, i knock his door and we talk. I told him I found new place. and he ask where is it. I think he knew already if i package my things last night (coz my friends made alot of noise). He was playing with his computer when we were talking but i am sure he didn't even know what he was doing with his computer.. Just like try to avoid my eye... Then when i said bye and about to leave he didn't even look at me and just say good bye..

At the night i got dinner with friends, I got sms from him. and it makes me happy and sad at the same time. he said "I just want to tell u that I am sorry. I am not brave enough to look at you when you leave. I am afraid I am gonna tear down. Why u leave me ?" (and this is the first time i felt like he really show what he felt, coz mostly when he did its all sounds only a joke)

2 weeks in my new place was like in hell... Keep thinking about him and being so sad... I start drink alcohol alot and grab myself to be around with friends. Then oneday he asked me if he can visit me and I said yes. He stay a night with me and leave in the morning. And we get close each other just like before.. I don't know i should be happy with that or I am just playing with fire again. Mostly at weekend he stay until next monday.. or sometime stay with me even tomorrow he has class...

One night my friends ask me to drink with them.. Too much vodka and everybody drunk already. So I text him and ask if he want to join. He said yes and ask me if i can pick him up. So I went to his place and back to my place and drink. He didn't drink alot coz he said that he felt not really good that day so I don't force him. I was drunk. He asked me if its ok if he leaves us and sleep in my room and i was ok with that. I drink with one of my friend (the others already slept). I saw my friend was so drunk so i said its better if he sleep with me and leave tomorrow coz i have extra bed.. Then we down to my room.. He sleep on my extra bed while I am sleeping with my friend in my bed..

and this is what happend next. I didn't know since when i started it (I believe i already fell asleep), but the next minute i awake i already kiss my bestfriend's neck and his ear. He just quiet and I start to take my hand into his jeans... I take his hand to my jeans too and he slip his hand into it and gimme handjob... I give him blowjob (maybe less than a minute and i sleep again coz i was so tipsy) and i can felt that he move from my bed and sleep with my friend on the extra bed..

Next morning we just pretend like nothing happen (or maybe i was dreaming)... I never have sexual fantasy about him... Our friend still sleeping so i asked my bestfriend if he want to have a breakfast.. so we went to cafe close to my place to have breakfast... After breakfast we went gym.. and I was still curios about last night.. is it real or only dream... but i got the answer. After gym my bestfriend said that he need to leave now coz there's something he has to do. Its like he really want to leave so soon...

after that.. there's no contact about a week... and he didn't come just like before... I was so mad of myself and feeling guilty... I text him and ask if i did something that night but he didn't reply. So I call him. he said yes and we were both drunk.. just forget it..

I decided to not contact him anymore and move on.. No contact for 3 months... Until one night, one of our friends' graduation party. I was there with friends and when I heard if he come from one of my friend I make up story that i have to leave now.. but they hold me and want me to stay till the party end. I have no choice. when he came he said "Hi bro.. look at you.. drunk alot ha.." but I pretend like i am not listening coz I am on the phone at the time... I join my friends and tried not to close with him.. but after the party he came to me and said if I can give a ride to him back home and i just said yes...

In our way back to his place he asked me if I want to join with him and his friend.. they have another party at his place and I said yes. We drink again at his place until i said i have to leave now. he said "Can I sleep tonight at your place" and i said yes again...
I can't drive my car.. i was so drunk so he did... I went to my room first put off my jeans and shirt and take my extra bed and sleep... When i was sleeping i felt like someone is coming close to me. and when i open my eye i see its him and that night we did it again. This time much better... Not like the first time... he stay till next day and we start have contact each other...

Now its already 2 years... we have sex almost every weekend (I don't know is it sex or not, I only give him blowjob and he is kinda passive)... I got blowjob only once from him and sometime only handjob.. I don't want to force him, I believe this is his first time experience with things like that so I just let it goes..

I start thinking lately that i need to stop this.. we never talk about what we done and i look like slave to him or maybe I should not.. we were happy but this is not what i want..

I moved to Jakarta to work (finished my degree and start a new job) and I think this gonna help me to forget him... He still text me 2 months after i move and sometime I visit him and we were so horny...

and now its already 2 months since i visited him... I deactive my facebook and create new one only for friends.. I just can't take it see his new picture or status he posted. I deleted his number too... It works.. I don't think alot about him just like before... busy with my job and master degree.. Even sometime he text me and I am fighting myself not to reply him..

Lately, i was so stupid.. I check his facebook with my new account.. and I found that it seems like he is getting close with a girl now... and i pissed off... I don't know what label am I. I have girlfriend and I have sex with her... but i found my friend so attractive..

do u think he is straight ? is he really fall in love with the girl or ?
with all the sex experience we had... is it possible if he find it hotter with girl or not ? He never have girlfriend before...

Thanks for reading.. sorry for the long story and my english grammar...

[Vigilias]

Hi Louise.

You've been going through this for two years!

I'm afraid it looks very much like this is one of those situations where you have to turn your back on the guy and move on - for the sake of your own sanity.

You sound a bit more advanced than him when it comes to sex and sexuality and unfortunately, your situations threw your lives together when you were both at different stages.

Move on, think of him fondly as you always will, but when you find someone who's willing to commit to you you'll also find that the feeling you have for this guy now will fade away.

Sorry, can't offer much hope here, it's just a matter of time doing its work.

[marshlander]

It doesn't really matter what he is. You and he enjoyed your times together, but his attitude is difficult to read. He obviously wanted to stay in touch with you. It seemed he liked having sex with you. It sounds like you never really talked about your feelings, although I suppose you must have done so occasionally. You seem to be the one who has pulled away from him. Maybe he has decided he needs to see what being with a girl is like? He may find it suits him better. Some people find they only discover what sex is all about when they also fall in love with the same person.

[SrChulo]

What an emotional rollercoaster... That is so draining, my gosh.

After these years, he still is not ready to give you what you need in a relationship, so at this point, it's time to move on. You're doing the right thing!

Don't worry about the girl thing. He is definitely not straight. Maybe bi, but he absolutely has feelings for you. Unfortunately he's not ready to act upon them in a mature way yet.

Who knows what will happen in the future, but right now I think you're doing the right thing in pursuing your career. Try to be open to new relationships in Jakarta! I'm sure someone will find you soon!

[LouiseMRL]

@Vigilias
thanks man...

@marshlander
yeah.. he is so unpredictable... the big question mark keep running in my head... I think I should be happy for him if thats true he is in love.. but the fact is just too hard to be accepted... hehe

@SrChulo
yeah it is so draining.. I myself tired of that... Thanks for advice..