Top and bottom problem, really need advice

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[marshlander]

I'm going to do my best to ignore all the side issues on this one and try to address your questions. You should not have to suffer pain when you are having sex. It is supposed to be enjoyable! If he is hurting you, he is not being gentle enough, not giving you enough time to adjust to having him inside you. If he is being inconsiderate you can still experience pain even when you have used a ton of lube. For your own pleasure I assume you have tried practising solo? Take your time and use a dildo to explore and be very slow and gentle. If necessary, start small and work your way up to something that approximates his size. Work out what you like. Remember it is often all about getting the angle right and everyone is slightly different. If you can take a toy with no problem you should be able to accommodate your friend too. Again, experiment with positions until you find what works for you and don't let him use you like he's operating a battering ram!

As far as he's concerned, you can't live his life for him. If he is considerate of your feelings he will be getting on with his own homework too, but you can't enforce this. No doubt he is seeing that you, the supposedly more gay of the two of you, aren't enjoying being fucked. What encouragement is there for him to put in some practice when it is obviously so unfulfilling? I guess I can only wish you good luck!

[fenris]

I want to answer only the "enjoy-problem", too. The other problems needs much more knowing about you both....
More Lotion is not a solution *g ... I think he only don´t want that you are inside him ... not because he don´t like you or whatever. He has pains and feeling very bad. Not all guys like it to be a bottom.... - me too, and I react really aggressive if I don´t want it, if I allow it ( only if christmas and easter are on the same day ) and I say stop my partner knows that he sleep with a rattlesnake and that he should leave me immediately.
If your friend allows it 2 - 3 times a year... you are a lucky man *G
So don´t think there is a problem .. its only because he don´t like something inside him.

[peterinmalaga]

You have to take a fairly long term approach to this. First you have to get him to associate his arse with a source of pleasure - this could take months. Give him a back massage. Other times caress him and slap him on the butt during sex. Then try getting a bit closer to the desired orifice, perhaps while giving him a blow job. Try licking his cock, then his balls and finally rimming him. If he gets anxious, assure him you have no intention of trying to fuck him. When he is enjoying each of these things, move on to the next. Just insert a finger less than half an inch inside. Progress to two fingers and then using a finger of each hand at the same time to widen his hole. Maybe use toys. Finally I think he will be gagging for it. You'll have to progress very slowly for this to work.
I wouldn't let anybody fuck me for years, it's not unusual.

[colinmackay]

It sounds like the main issue is that this "friend" is associating being gay with something deeply shameful and he is allowing some of that through but he us drawing the line at other things.

He won't admit he is gay. If he stays the top, he is equaling that with the male position in heterosexual sex and that is some how fine. He's still having sex with a man!

The underlying issue is therefore in the head. He's stage one (read The Velvet Rage) and I don't think you are going to realistically start progressing until he's at stage two. Having said that, he may just be a top, but at this time, I don't see how to get an accurate understanding unless he's willing to admit who he is.

This is of course just my opinion. I'm not a psychologist.




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[SlipknotRlZZ]

Colin is right. Do you think there is a chance of you helping him find himself and come to terms with who he is?

[TuxSky]

Okay, he's either gay and needs to accept it or he's straight and you need to give me tips ASAP. He sounds like he's in some serious denial. I can understand why you'd want to not "make him gay" though, making him lose out on a "normal" life. I had the same reservations when I was trying to convert a friend a few years back, I realized it just wasn't right.

[Genersis]

Well if he CAN be converted to gay. Then he wasn't straight to begin with.

Hmmmm, where have a heard this argument before?:tongue:

But seriously. I don't think i could be straight no matter how many times i manage to sleep with women.(Which is, and always will be NEVER)
Why would this work the other way round?
Or can this just happen to certain people?:confused:

[colinmackay]

are you telling me that I should turn him more gay?

You can't turn someone gay. He is simply in denial about being gay as far as I can see.

if I let him like the way he is now, he would get marriage with a girl, have cute little family of his own and happiness for himself. I really want him to be happy even it will break my heart.

Curiously, I tried to do that to myself some years ago. Almost got married, too.

Would it have made me happy? Outwardly, I might have appeared so. Inwardly, I'd be just as miserable as ever. I'd have done everything society wanted from me. I should feel happy. I would have had a wife. Society wants a man to have a wife. I would even have had children. Society would have wanted me to have children. Society would have wanted me to have a lovely family.

Was that what I wanted? At the time I thought so. That's why I was going through the motions. In hindsight, no it wasn't.

I am now closer to want I actually want. I have a few issues I still need to resolve, but my life is now going in the direction it should be. Most importantly, I am out. I have said to the world this is who I am, accept me or eff-off!

So, in many respects, your friend sounds like he was where I was a few years ago, with the exception that he is already having sex with men. Knowing the mental gymnastics I went through to keep myself in denial (and I wasn't doing that) it boggles my mind how he can think of himself as straight and still regularly have sex with men.

The only reason that he does not have a girl friend now is because he is busy with finishing with his degree in the next few months and also he is kind of too shy for party and stuff. (or maybe because I am being selfish and try to lure him away from girl sometimes). Part of me really scare that after he found out how good it is to have sex with a girl ( to be honest, I took his virginity and after that he does not have sex with any one but me ), and gets bored with me. But I want the good stuff for him also.
That is why I am so stuck here (

How about if he finds out that he doesn't like having sex with a girl?

My boyfriend asked what it was like to have sex with a girl. I must say my response to him was somewhat flippant. I said, "it's like chucking a sausage up an alleyway" (Actually, I used something more in the Scots vernacular, but the message was the same). In seriousness, there is a difference. I find that with my boyfriend, we are more attuned to one another. Our bodies operate on a more similar level and we can tune in more easily. We understand what works and not works more instinctively. A woman could never do that because she can never have the necessary experience to know.

[colinmackay]

colinmackay: but this guy is different tho. He hates to see two guys in ironic moments. And he only gets horny when he watches straight porn. I feel like I am the only guy can turn him on. Hope so.

Read a book called The Velvet Rage. It shows that many many gay men in the denial stage do exactly what this guy is doing. Therefore, he isn't so different.