How to Trust ?

[loverfighter]

Hi!
I'm new to the forum, been having some trouble understanding my emotions as of lately thought someone might be able to help?

I talk to my boyfriend and he tells me it's good to tell him how I feel and that he will help me work things through and I love him for saying so and supporting me 100 percent.

The problem is that I can't seem to shake the feeling that I've desperately been wanting to shake.
It begins with my jealousy. We have had a very interesting year and a half. I've been away and we have been together, separated, broken up, long distanced. Just about every form of relationship we have been going through and well monogamy is something I am not sure is there.

How do I say this without messing up either of our sides? We have both been not monogamous, though he comforts me saying he has been tried and true except when he contracted stds. I suppose it was fine at first, he warned me, but I'm left with doubt. And I have been in and out of separations with him. I have also been not faithful, but I'm trying very hard to have temperance in this issue.


Still I'm fighting through all this resentment. It troubles me to know that he and I will continue to have non-monogamous issues coming up. To make things worse one of his passions is to photograph the male nude. I really want to embrace him and his loves, but I'm feeling torn up inside.

And yet, I am worried that all my worries stem from a past relationship that had loads of promiscuity and lies. It is hard to think or understand if my feelings are valid or if I am just being irrational? He is very trusting. Still red flags go off sometimes.

All I know is I've bonded with him much more strongly as of lately. And he has been a patient god with me, waiting for us to settle. But I can't seem to get to that point because my stomach is tying up in knots every time I think about promiscuity.

[marshlander]

Is there a "how"? Sometimes you just throw yourself in and swim. Sometimes you surrender to trust or sometimes it creeps up you gradually. That being the case I guess there are times when trust stays away but living like that sounds difficult.

[loverfighter]

It is difficult. I feel like I might be sabotaging myself, and yet we are good together.
Do you know of people who it seems should not be together for every possible reason ( age, gender, health status, personal issues, etc) and yet they stay together? Is it worth it to fight for these things? I know one cannot answer if a couple should live or die, and even though I know that swaying with the opinions and criticisms of others is something to make a choice rather than abide by.

I still feel torn. Something keeps us together and everything else seems to try otherwise.

[DRW]

If you truly love him, it is definitely worth fighting for! But always remember communication is key. Sit down with him and discuss all your fears, worries, hopes, and dreams. The more you know about each other, the more connected you will feel. From what I have seen, most relationships fail over a lack of communication. People often find out they don't even know the person they are in love with, because they didn't bother getting to know them.

[mooninleo]

I appreciate your message. I was having a very relaxing shuttle ride last night when I was able to string some thoughts together about this very subject. It seems to go well with how you're feeling about trust and this other person.. i'll try to put it into words:

You are a complete person. You have a certain view of the events that transpired between you and this man. In relationships, this view sometimes becomes blurred and you allow things to happen that while you don't agree with them, the other person tells you their side and so you give that up and you let it slide.

I was in that situation and I let a guy treat me really bad and i allowed myself to be convinced that it was okay. So i took what he gave to me and i allowed my own views to be ignored. This started a spiral and before long i forgot who i was and didn't trust the thoughts that i had in my head..

So. I dunno. Please be sure to stand up for yourself. Your thoughts are yours. Don't let anyone take them away from you. And everyone is always like 'oh i always saw signs but i ignored them.'

It has to be up to you to really be a member of this relationship. If you wanna let everything slide, then you should be open and in love and give the relationship your all. But if you can't be open, then maybe you deserve to be in a relationship where you can be.

I spent a lot of time ignoring my hunches and put that vision of myself into a shoebox while i was in this relationship. I've had to regain myself back. its been a long scary process.

Its a tough position :/