My frustrations [Long story. But it is separated into paragraphs! :)]

[TooLate]

So I've actually been pretty fortunate. Last month (approx.) a guy I was obsessed with told me he liked me too. That pretty much made my year. Actually, it may sound silly but it was one of the best days of my life.

So we meet up in secret in school because neither of us are out (although it's pretty obvious to everyone that I'm gay because of my voice and mannerisms. No-one suspects he is at all though)! Anyways, when we're together, I kinda freeze up and I literally have nothing to say to him - all we talk about is school work! When we're not talking about school work, we just hug and I touch him in inappropriate places... It kinda sucks because I always imagined a relationship would be different.

For the first week I felt like I was in love. It was kinda sweet and it made my heart feel all fuzzy and warm. But things kinda changed when I went round his house for a sleepover.

I went round his house on the 2nd week of our relationship and god I was looking forward to it. Throughout the day, we were hugging and kissing, there was also a bit of inappropriate touching but it only got more intense at night.

During the night, I gave him a blowjob and he reciprocated (I know he didn't like giving it though which kinda hurts). He tried several times to fuck me but I pretended it hurt too much (it did hurt a little because we were going without lube) cos we both agreed beforehand that we wanted to save our first time (cute eh).

Anyways, the morning after I started feeling guilty. I've been brought up with quite an innocent mentality - sex and masturbation feels so dirty to me. I felt really bad doing the stuff we did during the sleepover and that kinda killed my mood.

Over the next few weeks (just to give you guys perspective, the sleepover was the first week of November), we kinda talked a lot less then we initially did. Like we used to msn and skype each other ALL the time (we'd talk from 10pm to 1am on most nights) but this xmas break, he has not spoken to me once (not even to wish me happy birthday or merry christmas, which kinda hurts).

Since the sleepover, I've kinda come to the realisation that this is lust and not love. I dunno how to feel about that because I really want a relationship where I fall head over heels for a guy (and I want that to be reciprocated obviously). It feels like he doesn't like me at all now and I can't wait till school starts again so I can talk to him about it.

Some complaints/problems:

- We haven't actually been out anywhere. We haven't been to the cinemas/whatever and I want to do something with him, but I want him to be the one to ask me out.
- He didn't bother wishing me a 'Merry Xmas/Happy Birthday' which kinda sucks.
- I feel inadequate compared to him. I know it shouldn't matter tht he's richer than me but it is kinda a problem and I dunno why!
- He's bigger down there (he's probably 6-7inches and I'm 4-5inches). I know some people say it doesn't matter (I am the bottom afterall) but it still feels weird.
- I feel so self conscious around him.
- We have nothing in common and I don't think we can change that because we both have a LOT of school work (and I mean a lot) so we can't exactly join clubs and stuff.
- Being gay isn't really acceptable and it'd be too weird outing ourselves. But it sucks not being able to hold hands in public!
- I'm the only guy he likes (he's mostly straight I guess). It's really weird when he talks about hot girls.
- He's not talking to me on msn/texting me anymore and we don't talk much irl (because we hang in different circles and there's rumours that I'm obsessed with him so if I spend time with him, people would believe those rumours). I really want to know if he's bored of me.
- I think I'm getting bored of him!

Argh, I have to much to say but I know the more I type, the less inclined people will feel about reading this. It's also kinda late here so my thoughts are coming out all jumbled.

Basically, we used to talk all the time on msn and skype. Mainly about his family and how he's doing (but obviously there's only so much I can ask about his family/life). We have so little in common (apart from school and school work), it's kinda depressing. Now we just talk about sex all the time which is exciting (if you get what I mean) but not really meaningful.

I guess it's kinda fortunate that next year is university! So we'll have to be apart.


We did have such big dreams when we were still obsessed with each other. We were thinking about going on holiday and meeting up during uni etc.


Feel free to give any comments you like. Just so I know someone was reading.

[princealbertofb]

Hello TooLate, and to GaySpeak... although I have not read your post yet (will do!) I am sure it isn't Too LATE as your handle suggests... you are still young. Enjoy your stay with us.

[princealbertofb]

Have read it now... It sounds as if you are yearning for a meaningful relationship and you sense that this other guy is not going to give it to you. The fact that you experimented with a bit of sex only shows that you can do it, but maybe it wasn't very meaningful to him, just an experiment to see how much he liked it. You say he didn't... so maybe he's over his gay curiosity already and is now ready to try it out with the girls?
I don't want to disappoint you, but unless he shows more of a romantic nature to you, it may well have been just an interest in getting the raging hormones working. It will amount to having what we call a "fukc buddy." It's not a relationship but just two guys who are ready to help each other out in times of sexual needs.
It is good of you to respect his need for privacy, if, after all, he decides that the gay life is not for him. That way, at least, he will not lose respect for you. A good friendship is always a good thing to have. The best way to know where you both stand will indeed be to have a talk with him, as soon as you can. Maybe he feels a bit dirty too, like you, and feels guilty about having 'done it'. You shouldn't worry as it is just a natural thing to want to feel close to another human being.

[marshlander]

It's okay. It happens. You tried it and it didn't work out. No harm done. Maybe you'll have more than horniness in common with the next man. What a good job you didn't put a deposit down on that holiday!

[Sil]

For a very long post I'm sorry to say I'm going to have to give a fairly truncated answer...

Like Marshy said, these things happen; it's hard to say exactly what chemistry makes people work, but everyone has that built-in sense of when something feels right or wrong. This is one of those times when you just werent feeling it. It's sad because you felt so sure and really thought he was awesome, but sometimes you can get so fixated on one aspect of a person that when you get the entirety you realise there's a lot of things out of balance.

He's curious, you're in love... Danger, Will Robinson.

Also, don't be down on yourself-

You sound like you're a little more certain about your sexuality than him too; to me, talking about hot girls is just a covert way of im saying "I'm not totally gay y'know; manly manly man...RAWR" in the hopes that he can sorta reassure himself about what you're doing. In other words, a mess waiting to happen if you really fall for him.

wow, I'm tempted to be a little naughty and say - keep your options open. If you're ready for more and willing to detatch yourself, you can gain a lot of confidence just by knowing you are attractive and dating other people, knowing you don't have to rely on another person's decisions. Just make sure he knows about this first and you can voice your concerns about the way things are going, that you need more.

Best of luck TooLate, hope this resolves itself without problems...

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Aah, dude, don't be upset over it! I mean, sometimes things just don't work out and sometimes it's a big deal, but sometimes, like in this case, it ain't. I don't think you should try doing anything about it, let it resolve on its own. Keep your head up and start lookin for a new man! :]]

[Untraceable726]

I honestly think it was puppy love. Basically it's a guys first crush on another guy and curiosity goes wild when it comes to sexual involvement and experimenting. It does sound to me that he only did it to try it and from then sounds of it did not care for it. It is unfortunate for you as far as relationships go but don't lose him as a friend. Keep your chin up and don't give up. There are plenty of other guys out there looking for exactly what you are and maybe sooner rather then later you will find the right one that makes your heart jump.