Can Two Bottoms really work in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

So I've been seeing this guy off and on, and a while ago we decided to call it quits because we figured we didn't 'match' sexually. A month later, we've already started dating again. I really like this guy, alot. In fact, I've never been more interested in someone before.

We haven't done anything more than make out, but I'm really concerned about taking it to the next level... We both identify as 'bottom', but I'm definately willing to meet somewhere in the middle, infact, I'm at a point in my life where I feel like I would enjoy that. I'm just afraid we're gonna start getting really intense and I'll just go along with it, even if he doesn't reciprocate, but I feel like I really need that in a relationship, and that it is an important part of who I am sexually, and psychologically, too.

Also, I feel like I'm giving up a part of my identity... that I'm breaking some sacred rule or something. I don't know...

I have been looking for resources on this, and was wondering if anyone has any advice..? Should I bring this up now? If so, how? I'm so afraid of scaring this guy away, it suuuucks. How can I talk about this with him?

[jbrowder24]

If things seem to be going well, I don't see any reason why it'd be wrong to discuss it with him. You both know you identify as bottoms so it might be good to discuss the extent you are willing to each go versatile... who wants to take the lead the first time etc. And neither of you has to feel like you're giving up a part of yourself. Being bottom is something you enjoyed sexually but it doesn't define you. You can do plenty of things like oral, j/o, frotting/rubbing, etc. Heck, you could incorporate dildos into your sex if it helps with both being bottoms

Jokes aside, the important thing is connecting with someone. Talk things out and be sure he knows you want to bottom too, but that you're willing be fair. We may never find a person that matches in every single way as an ideal... sometimes we need to compromise. But the right person is worth those compromises.

[fenris]

-/-

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I agree with browder And want to say :
Don´t reduce yourself only to your sexuality .... to be gay... bi ... whatever ... is more than the time you spend in bed :-)

[Sil]

I can kinda identify with this situation from earlier times - it's frustrating when you like everything about a person but don't really click in bed.

I'd focus on the positives first; you obviously think he's an awesome guy but you're afraid of making a lot of firm decisions that will determine (and therefore slightly change) the relationship. I agree with Fenris too, while sex is important don't let it define your relationship. The fact that you both want sex is a great sign that you really DO want to get down to business, so it's not an issue of being attracted.

I'm sorry to tell you there's no easy way to bring things up - hard is hard. But once you have you will feel so much better and your relationship can move on and grow stronger. *chuckles* truth is I'd be tempted to just both have a night out together, few drinks, and fool around. Honestly I'm not sure if you really need to tell him any of this or explain yourself. Actions speak louder than words

best of luck mate

[Ultra]

I say a bottom and a bottom working together in relationship is extremely plausible. I was lucky to be a top and my ex to be a bottom. Technically, that's what we were even though we would never ever engage in anal sex. He actually told me early in the relationship that he would want me to stick it up there and he had no desire to stick it up my chute. That was very early on, but we compromised on frot (plus blowjobs, handjobs, and footjobs) in the long run. Ya know what's also funny? I showed a pic of my ex to Gary and he instantly knew what my ex is.

Now back to the topic at hand, bottoms and bottoms together need to find an alternative way to have sex. I love jbrowder24's suggestions. Those are really good, man.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice, I truly appreciate it. I'm just tired of all the focus on the bottom/top dichotomy. I just would like to be with someone without having to thing about what they would and wouldn't be able to do. Like I said, I like to bottom, but for him I'd be willing to compromise. I just wish more people would be more flexible.

As for my identity crisis, I've always been the more boyish, bottom boy in any relationship dynamic I've been in, and have liked the way it feels to viewed as such. He and I are ALOT alike in this respect, which makes the dynamic a little more complicated I spose.

I guess I don't understand why He wouldn't be able to top, simply because we both have the parts(hehe). For some reason it seems like it is more understandable to not want to bottom, simply because of how involved of a process it is.

I am also tired of the gender roles the bottom and top binary presents. It seems like it's about more than just fucking, ya know? That if you like to bottom, you have to be submissive(which I have never been, jus' sayin') and if you like to top, you have to be aggressive. I'd much rather prefer to meet in the middle, but every guy I've ever been with is always trying to adhere to one end or the other. This is frustrating.

I dunno, I guess we'll have to see where it goes,chemistry wise. We have a date this week, and I don't plan on bringing it up, but I do plan on making a move of some kind.

Thanks again for the feedback guys, it's always comforting to get advice from strangers on the internet!mile:

[marshlander]

Neither my partner nor I appear to feel a need to be one thing or the other and I've always found the top/bottom labelling a bit confusing. :confused: However I have a reasonable idea what he likes and he certainly knows what gives me pleasure. We both try and give the other as nice a time as possible.

I hope it doesn't become a problem for you.

[posterpicture]

The fact in a healthy relationship, we spend more times together out of our bed that on the bed.
If you really love him and think that he is great then of course it can work.
I know the difficulties on bed that you guys have but for 2 bottoms, it 's less difficult than 2 tops since at least both of you can take thing insides.
Also, there are tons of dildos selling out there, if you don't like to put your dick insides him then at least try the dildo.

[VonSteuben]

There is no yin without yang. I think this would be a hard sell (pardon the pun). :biggrin: